The Chupacabra
Stephen Randel


The Chupacabra Trilogy #1






He is called El Barquero. He makes his trade along the border, smuggling guns and killing without remorse. As he faces his one last mission, his perfect plan is unwittingly foiled by Avery, a paranoid loner obsessed with global conspiracy theories who spends most of his time crafting absurd and threatening letters to anyone who offends him. That means pretty much everyone. 

What unfolds is a laugh out loud dark comedy of madcap adventure stretching from Austin to the West Texas border featuring a lunatic band of civilian border militia, a group of bingo-crazed elderly ladies (one packing a pistol nearly as long as her arm), a murderous and double-crossing cartel boss, a burned-out hippy, and a crotchety retired doctor and his pugnacious French bulldog. Read it to believe it.






Stephen Randel

THE CHUPACABRA






A Borderline Crazy Tale of Coyotes, Cash & Cartels


For Jill and Nancy

In memory of Kip Rylander and George “Dark Star” Chapple




“Let’s just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, then he’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armor and shouting, ‘All gods are bastards.’”

    

—Terry Pratchett








Introduction


Chupacabra — A legendary creature believed to inhabit parts of Latin America, particularly Mexico. Its name translates to “goat sucker.” The name comes from the creature’s reported habit of drinking the blood of its victims.

While the chupacabra may or may not exist, the violence in Mexico is very real. Despite efforts by officials on both sides of the border, more than fifty thousand drug-related murders were reported between 2006 and 2011. Many of the victims were tortured first. Many were women or young people. The overwhelming majority of the weapons used in these crimes came from the United States.




Prologue


Midnight was approaching, but the normally quiet residential street was alive with sirens and flashing lights. Several Austin police department officers filed in and out of the large white house facing the cordoned-off street. Standing in the middle of the street, two detectives surveyed the chaos.

“So, Frank,” the taller of the two said. “What you got for me?”

“Well, not exactly your typical scene.”

“No kidding?”

“Yeah. This one is a hell of a mess.”

“I’m waiting.”

“Well, boss, for starters, over here we’ve got a car turned over on its side.”

“I noticed,” the taller detective replied, glancing at the green sedan next to the curb precariously balanced on the driver’s-side door.

“It’s full of cash. Big bills. Scattered everywhere.”

“Okay.”

“And a couple blocks from here we’ve got another car, partially burned out, with a trunk full of heroin.”

“What about inside?” The senior detective nodded toward the house, sipping his coffee.

“It’s bad. Real bad. Patrolman shot dead at close range. Died instantly.”

“Who was it?”

“Dale Clarke. You know him?”

“Yeah. Damn.”

“Inside we’ve also got the traumatized family of the retired doctor who owns the place and a bunch of little old ladies, friends of the family. One of them tried to bite me.”

“Bite you?”

“The feisty one did. You’ll spot her. The whole thing was some kind of home invasion. They were all tied up.”

“Jesus.”

“They saw Dale executed. Happened right in front of them.”

“Can they I.D. the shooter?”

“Absolutely. Hispanic male, and he’s really big. Actually, the best description is from an El Paso border patrol agent who was in the house also.”

“El Paso border patrol? Up here?”

“Yeah. I told you this was a mess. She claims to have fired at the shooter and hit him twice. Don’t know how she could have hit him, though. She’s got one arm in sling. Says the suspect is most likely a member of a Mexican drug cartel. Says this big fellow shot her and her partner a few days ago along the border during a surveillance operation. Says she was up here to question the doctor’s stepson about a string of murders and stolen narcotics out in West Texas. Thinks he might know something.”

“Christ almighty. How the hell did these folks get messed up with cartels?”

“Don’t know yet. Oh, and one other thing.”

“What?”

“Well, it’s kind of weird.”

“What is it?”

“In the back bedroom up on the second floor there’s a dead, hairless coyote wrapped up in duct tape.”

“And why wouldn’t there be?” the senior detective replied sarcastically.

“Boss, you ever see anything like this before?”

“Nope.” The tall detective ambled slowly toward the house. “But it makes perfect sense.”

“How so?”

“It’s Monday.”

“Monday?”

“Yep. The really weird shit only happens to me on Mondays.”

• • •


Five days earlier…




PART ONE





CHAPTER ONE

Blood in the Desert


The two men shuffled through the scattered underbrush. Moving as quickly as possible with their awkward baggage, they wove their way toward the high ground that would mark the final part of their journey. Distant lightning cast crooked shadows that danced across the desert floor as the men pushed forward, wondering, if only for a second, whether the shadows were truly shadows or obsidian-colored serpents preparing for a venomous attack.

They were scared, but only the younger of the two showed it on his face. It was a gamble sneaking across the border and into the United States this way. Most immigrants gladly paid the professional “coyotes” three thousand dollars to ferry them across the border to safe houses where they could contact friends or family to begin life anew away from the violence of their homeland, but these two men didn’t have the money. Instead, they agreed to carry these heavy burdens across the river and deliver them to a stranger. A drug cartel soldier waited for them a two-hour hike past their crossing point. In exchange, they would be rewarded, or at least they prayed it would work that way. They didn’t know what their parcels contained, but they could guess.

The desert night air was cool, but both men were sweating profusely and breathing heavily. At night, the desert is alive with noise, but neither man heard anything except their labored breathing and the sound of their stumbling strides. The quicker they could make the top of the ridge, the better. The rendezvous spot was a half mile from there.

“Victor,” Ernesto whispered. “How much further?”

“Not far.” Victor stopped to catch his breath.

Moving alongside him, Ernesto wiped his brow. “Are you sure they’ll pay us what they promised?”

“What do you mean?” Victor asked, noting the concern on the young man’s face.

“I hear stories. Sometimes they don’t pay. They just kill you and leave your body for the coyotes once they have what they want.”

“Don’t be stupid, Ernesto,” Victor scolded. “When we get there, let me do the talking. You say nothing. Come on, keep moving.”

• • •


El Barquero lay silently under the stormy sky of the Chihuahuan Desert. Three miles inside the United States border with Mexico, he continued his patient wait for the arrival of the cartel mules carrying their burden of burlap bags.

Even prone on the desert floor, the bulk of the man was impressive. “Biggest damn Mexican you ever done saw,” more than one person had whispered. Standing six and a half feet tall and weighing more than two hundred and fifty pounds, every bit of it sculpted muscle, the bronze-skinned giant with a shaved head and pencil-thin mustache drew stares when he entered a room. But the stares never lasted long. It was his eyes. Dark and lifeless, a glimpse of them made even the most brazen of men avert their gaze as the uncontrollable desire to slink down and cower like a submissive dog overcame them. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, this man’s spirit was empty. Their coldness was matched by the malevolent and raspy growl of his deep voice.

His vantage point on the ridge allowed full view of the valley below. He allowed himself to relax into a semi-meditative state, focusing on a single point at the far end of the basin. From years of killing in the dark, he knew the primary weakness of central vision was the lack of color cues at night. By focusing on a single point and shifting his concentration to the peripheral, he was more likely to spot the movement of the couriers. The valley floor was littered with creosote and mesquite trees. As a result, the mules could not march a straight line up to the cut in the ridge to meet their contact. And, of course, their contact wouldn’t be waiting for them like they expected with cold Jarritos, cash, and a ride to a motel room. El Barquero had taken care of that earlier. There would be no contact, only him. He would spot them as they wove through the rugged desert terrain. It was only a matter of time.

He was known as El Barquero, “The Ferryman,” because of the particular delivery service he provided for a Mexican drug cartel. In Mexico, drugs and money were easy enough to procure, but guns were more difficult. This was his specialty, supplying the firearms that made the violence possible. It was good business. The vast majority of the firearms seized by Mexican authorities combating the drug cartels came from the United States. Guns from South America smuggled through Guatemala and rifles from Mexican soldiers who defected to work for the cartels for better pay were also available, but guns from the United States were still the primary tools of slaughter. Drugs and smuggled humans leached north; firearms passed them on the journey south.

His name, El Barquero, had a second meaning as well. “The Ferryman” might just be the last person seen before crossing into the next world, particularly if he wasn’t paid.

Tonight’s work was a side job. He made his living acquiring and delivering guns to a Mexican drug cartel. The cartel’s territory stretched across most of the Caribbean coast of Mexico and the eastern half of the Mexican border with Texas, but the recent bloody fighting between rival cartels for control of the coveted Juarez smuggling routes, the largest source of illegal drugs and human trafficking across the entire Mexican border, had created a dangerous but intriguing opportunity.

El Barquero had recently intercepted drug shipments from both of the largest cartels in the Juarez region, knowing that each would blame the other for the losses and the bodies. No one would ever assume a single individual had the audacity to challenge two of the most violent criminal organizations in the world. However, if they found out, he would die, and more than likely, not quickly. Even his relationship with the cartel he worked for couldn’t protect him. In fact, if his extracurricular activities came to light, they’d have their own deadly plans for him. His employer had enough issues with infighting, internal corruption, and the increased efforts of Mexican and United States officials targeting the most senior levels of cartel authority. One of their own moonlighting as an independent assassin and thief targeting their chief rivals was the last thing they needed. The peace between the rival cartels was uneasy enough, and retribution was hardly an eye for an eye. Payback scaled geometrically. If someone dies, then someone else’s family dies, along with every family on the block. No, he needed to make sure that no one knew what he was doing. That’s why the informants from whom he extracted information regarding shipment routes never showed up again. Most likely, if you ever met El Barquero, you only met him once.

Tonight’s job was perfect. It was a small shipment. Escalated border patrol activity in this part of Texas had led to the increased use of one- and two-man mule teams to move the valuable product to rendezvous points inside the border. Inevitably, shipments would be interdicted, and the risk of losing substantial amounts of product in a single failed smuggling attempt made small shipments attractive from a risk-return standpoint. It also made intercepting them easier. The mules would most likely be untrained and unarmed, not valuable cartel soldiers. El Barquero wasn’t taking any chances tonight.

A faint movement caught his attention. Was it a man or something blowing in the wind that was starting to build as the storm approached? El Barquero slowly reached for the rifle resting beside him. He extended the rifle’s bipod and pushed his burly shoulder into the weapon. The Barrett sniper rifle was an evil-looking tool. Nearly five feet long, the ominous black weapon effectively fired a fifty-caliber projectile at targets over a mile away. Capable of disabling vehicles or punching through concrete walls, it hit a man like a deadly anvil. He moved his eye to the rifle’s day/night optic and scanned the valley floor, where he spotted the movement. He could clearly see the two men hunched over with their heavy loads, advancing up the east side of basin. They would have to traverse the terrain directly in front of him to reach the path up the west side of the ridge. As they started up the path a half mile below, they would be coming directly toward him. Everything was going as planned. This was going to be easy.

• • •


The two men had slowed their pace as the ground began to rise.

“Where are you… where are you going to go once we are finished?” Ernesto asked, pausing to catch his breath.

“Head west to Phoenix. I have some friends that can help me with documents for work,” Victor replied, looking back at his companion. “How about you? Any family here?”

“No.”

“What will you do, then?”

“Try to find work,” Ernesto said. “Then buy a car, a really fast car. A real man needs a car.”

“Cars are cheaper in Mexico.”

“I know,” Ernesto said despondently. He looked up at the dark, stormy sky. It seemed to go on forever. He imagined all the possibilities for him in the United States. “But a man with a car in America lives a better life than a man with a car in Mexico, even if the car costs a hundred times more.”

“Well, I hope you get your car,” said Victor.

• • •


In the darkness below El Barquero, the two men had paused for a minute before continuing to make their way to the cut in the ridge. El Barquero had worried for a moment that the men were lost and would backtrack down the valley. He didn’t want to chase them. As they reached the western side of the valley and headed toward him, he chambered a round in his weapon. He preferred to only fire once. The rolling thunder would help to cover the sound of the rifle, but its report was loud, and anyone in the immediate area would notice. He had scanned the area earlier and hadn’t seen any evidence of others, but with border patrol and even civilian militia groups active along the border, he wanted to be careful. His targets were walking one in front of the other. The men wove back and forth between the brush and rocks, one passing in front of the other every few seconds. He released the rifle’s safety, placed his finger on the trigger, and relaxed into the long gun. A roll of thunder rumbled across the desert. In between heartbeats, just before the men crossed each other’s path, he fired. The recoil drove down his spine as the bullet left the barrel. The two men had their heads down, watching the trail. They didn’t see the muzzle flash, and they wouldn’t hear the sound of the gun before the deadly fist of a projectile reached them.

• • •


Ernesto was walking behind Victor. He heard a dull thump in front of him, and then everything went black.

• • •


The roar of the gun mixed with the rumble of thunder and faded down the valley and into the night air. Both men were down. El Barquero watched and listened for a minute. Nothing. He rose from his position and slung the heavy rifle over his shoulder. Pausing briefly to retrieve the spent shell casing, he headed down the trail to retrieve the shipment.

As he cautiously approached the bodies, he continued to scan the horizon for movement. As he came closer, he heard faint breathing. The man in front was clearly dead. The round had entered his sternum and nearly torn him in half, but the second man was still alive. The heavy bullet had passed through the first man and hit the second man in his shoulder. The young man was trembling and struggling to breathe as the shock of the impact began to wear off.

El Barquero stared into the panic-stricken eyes of the young man as he knelt and carefully placed his heavy rifle on the rugged ground. Slowly he reached behind his back for the two curved metal blades in the waistband of his black trousers. They flickered in the strobe effect of the half-light and lightning. He would go to work on the bodies. He would start with the man who was still alive.

“Protégeme Jesus,” Ernesto whispered as he stared into the menacing eyes of the hulking man hovering over him. Somewhere, deep in the desert, something howled.

• • •


More than five hundred miles to the east, the roadside traffic board warned of ZOMBIES AHEAD. Funny how some things in Austin never change, Kip thought as he drove past the traffic board that had been broken into and altered by teenage pranksters. Then again, some things do. He hardly recognized the skyline of the city in which he’d grown up. Glass and stone buildings sprouted up like weeds in an unattended garden.

Kip hadn’t been back to Austin since his mother’s funeral, over ten years ago. Now, his father, Bennett, a retired doctor, had been diagnosed with cancer. Smoking a pipe for half a century has a nasty way of catching up with a person.

He planned on staying a few weeks but didn’t really know. Free time was a luxury he now enjoyed. Since graduating from college, he’d worked on Wall Street for one of the numerous firms that specialized in trading bonds backed by sub-prime mortgages. One by one, as the global credit crises exploded, they closed their doors. When his firm went out of business, it seemed to happen overnight. Turn in your security badge and get the hell out. He never even bothered cleaning out his desk. It had nothing worth keeping. He was overdue catching up with his father, and this time off would give him the chance. Besides, he knew he could help around the house. Avery and Aunt Polly helped Bennett as much as they could. Well, at least Aunt Polly did.

After exiting the highway and driving another ten minutes past stores and buildings he thought he might or might not exactly remember, he pulled his rental car to a stop in front of the house in which he’d grown up.

The aging white house showed signs of neglect, yet still maintained a certain grace. Like a portrait of an elegant, elderly lady wearing her tattered wedding dress, she looked disheveled but defiantly proud. The two-story home was built in the Greek Revival style of architecture. Six stately white columns badly in need of a fresh coat of paint framed the two levels of deep verandas in front. Floor-to-ceiling windows lined both levels of the house. Neighbors snickered that it was nothing more than a cheap imitation of the Texas governor’s mansion. A great white elephant surrounded by oak trees that hardly fit in with the modest homes along the rest of the street.

Navigating the cracked and sinking walkway to the front steps required an interrupted stride to avoid tripping. Kip hopped the last few feet of concrete, landing on the worn wooden front steps with a dull thud. A pile of New York Times, unopened and still in their blue plastic delivery bags, lay scattered to the left of the door.

The front door was open, abandoning the ripped screen door to a brave but futile battle to defend the home from fruit flies and the occasional dirt dauber wasp, whose dried mud nests lined the upper corners of the front porch.

“Hello?” Kip called out as he stepped into the entryway. There was no reply but the dull buzzing and tapping of a fly trying to escape the room via a closed window.

As worn as the outside of the house appeared, the interior was still magnificent. The antique furniture remained in the exact locations he remembered and was perfectly maintained.

Kip slowly climbed the curving staircase that dominated the main foyer. Reaching the second floor, he walked quietly down the main hallway toward his father’s room.

Bennett woke from his nap as Kip opened the door. At the man’s feet, a small white French bulldog opened a disapproving eye, cocked his blocky head, and snorted.

“Move, Max,” Bennett said.

The little dog sprang to his feet, shook his collar, hopped off the bed, and trotted out of the room, pausing briefly to sniff the leg of the stranger who had so rudely interrupted his afternoon slumber.

As the sound of the dog bumping and banging down the stairs faded, the old man pushed himself up on his side and then slid back, propping himself upright on his pillow. His closely cropped white hair and beard framed his weathered face and slate-grey eyes.

“Make yourself useful and see if my pipe is by the chair,” Bennett growled with as much compassion as a black bear woken early from hibernation.

“That a good idea?”

“Best one I’ve had all day.”

“You’re a doctor. You should know better.”

“I was an obstetrician. I know how to bring ’em in the world. After that, it’s up to some other schmuck to sermonize them regarding the finer points of a healthy lifestyle regimen.”

Kip walked toward his father’s chair. The leather was cracked and peeling. The matching ottoman was in even worse shape. The once dark mahogany leather was now nearly white with age. A yarn afghan woven to replicate the Texas state flag lay draped across one arm of the chair. A dog-eared copy of National Geographic rested on the other. Kip glanced around the chair and the small lamp table next to it. He didn’t see the pipe.

“Sure it’s here?” Kip asked.

“Look under the blanket.”

Kip lifted the afghan, revealing a corncob pipe and tobacco pouch resting in a glass ashtray. The ashtray was etched with an image of Galveston’s Strand District.

“Why keep it covered?” asked Kip.

“So Avery doesn’t find it and use it in one of his experiments.”

“Experiments?” Kip asked as he handed the ashtray and its contents to Bennett.

“Experiments, projects, research. Hell, whatever it is he does day and night in his room.”

“So, how you feeling, old-timer?” Kip asked, settling into Bennett’s chair.

“Well, I’ve been better.”

“You following the doc’s orders?”

“I’m following my orders.”

“Any chance you might want a second opinion?” Kip inquired.

“Look, son,” Bennett said as he filled his pipe from the pouch. “I was in the room the day half the doctors in this town were born. Most are young, cocky punks with the bedside manner of a hyena. You want to know the grand history of medicine? It goes like this. A thousand years ago, if you were sick, they told you to eat this ground-up root. Pretty soon they decided the root didn’t work, so just take this potion instead. After a while, they decided the potion didn’t work, so just take this pill. Now they say the pills don’t work because the disease has developed a resistance to the drug. Now you need a holistic cure. So what you do is just eat this ground-up root. The reality is we don’t know much more about how to keep people alive than we ever did. I’m sick and I’m an old man. Some day I’m going to pass and be with your mother again. I’m not changing my ways now. I know what I need to do, and I’m doing it. If all you plan on doing is nagging at me too, you can get right back on that plane and…”

“Good to see you, too,” Kip interrupted.

Bennett smiled warmly at his son and said, “Aunt Polly has your old room fixed up for you. Go on and move your stuff in. Oh, and be sure to say hello to Avery. Otherwise, he might think you’re some kind of spy.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

Avery actually wasn’t Kip’s brother, but the son of Bennett’s second wife, Emma. Bennett had married Avery’s mother four years ago knowing full well that her son was a unique soul, but it wasn’t until she suddenly passed away, two years to the day from their wedding, that he realized exactly how peculiar his live-in son was. Without his mother to serve as a buffer between the men, Avery had become increasingly erratic, emotionally despondent, and mildly delusional. Soon after losing his mother, Avery quit his job as a computer repair technician and sequestered himself in his upstairs bedroom. Bennett, however, had loved Emma and promised her before she passed to allow Avery to continue to live with him in the house. Besides, Bennett knew he wasn’t getting any younger or healthier and needed Avery’s occasional help and company, as bizarre as it usually was.

As Kip approached Avery’s room, he couldn’t help but notice a strange odor emanating from that end of the hallway. It smelled vaguely of corn chips and butane gas. The partially open door to Avery’s room had a sign that read SKUNK WORKS nailed to it. Kip pushed open the door and spied Avery hunched over a dingy white keyboard surrounded by five computer monitors of various sizes. The monitors were resting on a wooden picnic table pushed up against the far wall. The middle section of the table appeared to have been sawed out, creating a U-shaped workspace with room for the collection of eclectic monitors. His keyboard rested on a folding tray table in the middle of the cut-out section, while Avery sat on the still attached bench. Either failing to notice Kip’s entry or intentionally ignoring it, Avery continued to type deliberately on his keyboard using only his two index fingers.

The best way to describe Avery would be “soft.” Less than average height, he wasn’t exactly overweight, just soft and kind of squishy. Years of sitting in front of a computer with only an occasional swipe at exercise had transformed him into a pale, slouching lump of a thirty-year-old man. His overly large head was covered in an outrageous tangle of dark brown hair. An overgrown beard that would have been called untidy if only it had been trimmed in the last year encircled his perpetually pursed lips. His pale blue eyes, however, were most interesting. He didn’t look. He stared. A stare that alternated between a blank gaze and bright-eyed excitement, rarely anything in between.

While in the house, which Avery rarely left unless forced, he wore an old terrycloth robe that was originally dark green. Now it more closely resembled a woodland camouflage of stained and faded spots. On the odd occasion Avery when would appear in the outside world, he wore a canary yellow tracksuit and black high-top sneakers, usually untied.

Much of Avery’s time was devoted to his work. This was comprised of refurbishing his collection of computers and using the Internet to research his personal projects, mostly ridiculous, and his theories, mostly conspiratorial. For the remainder of his day, he preferred to compose letters to editors, politicians, academics, and anyone else he thought posed a threat to his health, welfare, or intrinsic freedom. That meant pretty much everyone.

“Excuse me,” Kip said.

“State your business,” Avery replied in an annoyed tone.

“I wanted to introduce myself. I’m Kip; we haven’t actually had the chance to meet.”

“Of course it is and of course we haven’t,” replied Avery without looking away from his monitor. “The insane doctor who lives down the hallway informed me of your impending visit. I’ve been monitoring your approach to my office since your arrival. If you were anyone but who you say you are, I would have treated you as another of the nefarious intruders or gluttonous interlopers we all too regularly receive and incapacitated you posthaste. You see I’m quite proficient in several styles of Filipino stick fighting, including the most lethal variant, the Doble Baston. However, I’m sure the doctor informed you of that already.”

“No, actually he didn’t,” replied Kip.

“Consider yourself duly forewarned.”

“Appreciated,” Kip said as he stepped into the dimly lit room. The light from the glowing computer monitors and a few faint wisps of sunlight leaking in around the drawn window shades provided the only illumination. Above Avery’s workstation hung a large corkboard. Thumbtacks held in place dozens of pages of legal pad paper inscribed with wildly chaotic flowcharts, sketches of black canine-shaped images, and technical diagrams. Apart from the area of the deformed picnic table, the walls were lined with bookshelves and metal racks crammed with a various assortment of dog-eared magazines, scientific and historical books, manuals, spare computer hardware, and tools. A wooden ladder was propped against one of the bookshelves. Several pairs of old tube socks hung on the rungs. A small bed sat at the far end of the room. The bed was stripped of its sheets, which were bundled at the foot. Above the headboard and taped to the wall was a vintage White Star Line travel poster depicting the mighty Titanic being pushed away from the Southampton pier by a small tugboat dwarfed by the enormous ocean liner. On the pier, a young woman in the crowd wearing a striped hat stood, waving a white handkerchief as if to solemnly say goodbye.

“Quite a setup you have here,” Kip said with an undertone of sarcasm.

“Don’t mock what you don’t understand,” Avery replied quickly as he finally turned away from his monitors and addressed Kip directly.

“Sorry,” Kip said, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “What don’t I understand?”

“Ever since the dawn of time, those that have demanded more of life than simply being spoon-fed useless information or preferred to avoid being beaten senseless with lemming-like cultural and religious traditions have had to search for empirical truth on their own. Take for example today—the vast majority of people who inhabit this country are intellectual plebeians who measure their merit and worth by the number of possessions they can accumulate via revolving debt they either don’t understand or won’t ever have the financial wherewithal to repay. Why? They don’t know. They’d rather not know. All they understand is that two HDTVs are better than one and not nearly as noble as three.” Avery covered his ears with his hands and whispered in a hushed tone, “I’m a free thinker. My setup, as you refer to it, is my crucible.” His voice rose as he spread his arms slowly above his head, “The Romans, yes, the mighty Romans, utilized refractory containers to meld brass out of copper and zinc, allowing them to rule their universe. I, however, employ my crucible to melt and alter the properties of ignorance.”

“Okay…so how’s that working out for you?”

“Not bad,” Avery replied, spinning back around on the wooden bench and leaning his face in close to his monitors. “Keeps me busy and in a relatively low tax bracket.”

“Can I ask a question? How the heck did you manage to get that picnic table in here?” Kip inquired.

“I disassembled it in the backyard and reassembled it in here to suit my purposes. Don’t worry. It’s only temporary. I’m having IKEA design a custom workstation for me as we speak. I sent them the technical specifications and blueprints to work from several months ago.”

“I didn’t realize they did custom work.”

“They will for me. I’m allowing them a share of future revenues from each unit sold. It will undoubtedly be a huge success. Could very well secure the financial future of the company.”

“I’m sure they’ll appreciate that,” Kip said as he wandered around the room, surveying the contents of the shelves. He noticed a stack of three books that didn’t look as dusty as some of the others. “Hmm, Crop Circles,” he said, reading the title of the first book. “Ranch and Farm Management and UFOs,” he continued as he perused the other two. “Some kind of connection?”

“Of course there is,” Avery said, sniffing and wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “UFOs make the cows dizzy.”

“Can’t believe I never put the two together,” Kip said as he rolled his eyes.

“Don’t feel too bad—nobody else has, either.”

“Well, anyway, I’m going to be staying across the hall in my old room for a couple of weeks,” Kip said as he replaced the books on the shelf.

“As I mentioned before, the doctor has already informed me. I think it’s a bad idea, but the doctor is insistent. Please understand my work keeps me busy at odd hours. Please refrain from playing loud music, or, for that matter, any music at all.”

“No problem,” Kip said as he turned to leave. As he did so, Avery returned to furiously pounding away at his keyboard.






To: The Chairman and CEO

IKEA International Group




Dear Sir:




I am writing to follow up on my recent communiqué of technical construction data for the next generation of world-class computer workstations. I have failed to receive any status reports or updates from you or your representatives regarding construction progress or anticipated completion and delivery date of said office furniture. As I have not received correspondence via phone, fax, letter, or email, I’m left with the only reasonably possible conclusion that your carrier pigeon must have lost its way, possibly somewhere in the vicinity of the Azores. Please understand the colossal importance of the timely consummation of this endeavor. With recent revenues of $30 billion, I fail to see how IKEA intends to approach the $40-billion mark without the immediate launch of this revolutionary furnishing. If design complexity is an issue, I’m willing to negotiate on the number and location of cup holders, but not the attached refrigerator and microwave. They are sacred cows, necessary for product differentiation in the marketplace. If I do not hear from you or your representatives in a timely fashion, I will be left with no choice but to reconsider my overly generous revenue sharing proposal of an even 50/50 split. Even worse, you may force my hand to approach Target Corporation with an exclusive partnership offer. When the international business community becomes aware that you ignored one of the greatest business opportunities of the century, you will never be able to show your face in Western Europe again.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton












P.S. - If your carrier pigeon arrives before you review this dispatch, please forgive the duplication of effort.




• • •


From his podium, Brigadier General X-Ray surveyed his troops, decked out in their full wardrobe of surplus military gear. They were gathered in the headquarters of the Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia (STRAC-BOM for short). All members of STRAC-BOM’s three two-man fire teams, Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie, sat in folding lawn chairs in the large rectangular cinderblock building on the outskirts of Tornillo, Texas, an unincorporated area near the western edge of El Paso County, about forty miles southeast of El Paso itself. A warning sign posted outside proclaimed NO TRESPASSING – THIS IS TORNILLO, NOT WACO – SURVIVORS WILL BE PROSECUTED – IN GOD WE TRUST – STRAC-BOM. The corrugated metal roof creaked as the dusty wind blew across it.

“Gentlemen,” began the overly pompous General X-Ray, pointing his leather riding crop toward the large topographical map stapled to the wall. On the map, buildings and landmarks were highlighted in red. An American flag pin designated the approximate position of the militia’s headquarters. “This fine and decent American community of Tornillo is connected to Guadalupe, a known hotbed of liars and thieves, determined to infiltrate our glorious State of Texas by way of the Puente La Caseta International Bridge,” the General said, slapping the map with his riding crop for effect. “It’s a veritable two-lane river of immigrant travel that flows in one direction. Fire Team Leader Alpha! What direction might that be?”

“Well, pretty much north, sir,” Fire Team Leader Alpha replied.

“Excellent!” the General replied as he began to pace back and forth in front of his troopers. “As ya’ll well know, little if anything is being done to dam the flood of anti-American infiltrators who leach into our glorious country by night to threaten not only our American way of life, but also our way of life as God-protected Texas Christian citizens.” Pointing his riding crop toward the bridge that connected the two areas, he continued, “You’re also aware that our previous attempt to monitor and interdict illegal aliens directly at this bridge crossing met with an unwelcome response from local, federal, and international authorities.”

“Unwelcome response?” said Private Tango. “Hell, they threw Fire Team Leader Bravo in the dang Rio Grande, punched me in my good eye, and impounded all our guns for two weeks. We was damn lucky to get ’em back at all. Heck, Private Foxtrot even had to have his wife pawn his Guns and Ammo magazine collection to make bail.”

“Fire Team Leader Bravo!” General X-Ray exploded, his pudgy face reddening even more than normal, “Control your troops!”

“Belay the commentary, Private Tango,” Fire Team Leader Bravo said as he boxed the ears of the private sitting in front of him. “Technically, sir, with only two men per Fire Team, he’s my troop, not my troops.”

General X-Ray’s nostrils flared in rage as he stared menacingly at Fire Team Leader Bravo. A pig-like squeal slipped from his lips as he held onto the podium to maintain his balance.

“Will y’all just shut up and listen!” General X-Ray bellowed.

“Sir, yes, sir,” the entire six man brigade of militia members unenthusiastically mumbled in unison.

“Now,” General X-Ray paused as he regained his composure, “given that our attempts to block this port of illicit entry have met with initial resistance and that Private Zulu has been as of yet unable to requisition the appropriate ordnance for executing Operation Water Lion...”

“Sir?” Private Zulu asked meekly, raising a skinny hand.

“Yes, private,” General X-Ray replied as he rubbed his bald head with both hands and squeezed his eyes shut. “What now?”

“Sir, I really got no idea where I’m going to get real landmines, and even if I do, how’re we actually going to mine the Rio Grande? Ain’t we going to need some kind of environmental permit for that? I tried to put a new porch on my house once and it took damn near six months to get permission just to do that.”

“No, we’re not going to need permission,” General X-Ray replied sarcastically. “STRAC-BOM is a constitutionally empowered organization bound and determined to restore a literal interpretation of the founding fathers’ wisdom and the Constitution of the United States of America. The Second Amendment grants us the lawful right and, I dare say, the profound obligation to bear arms to defend ourselves from tyrannical infringement by all enemies, be they foreign or domestic, and right now, gentlemen, we have enemies at both gates. Don’t you understand? There are hundreds of God-fearing groups of great patriots like us in this country serving as civilian militias. The difference is we don’t live in Michigan or Indiana. We live in Texas! We live directly on the wire. We’re the first line of defense. We have the privilege of being the first to fight, the first to make a difference in this country of unconcerned indifference. Gentlemen, in this vital struggle against alien invasion, we are the glorious and righteous swords of freedom. And goddammit, swords don’t need permits!” the General screamed.

“Uh-rah,” the brigade responded rather unemotionally.

“Now, with the main land route impeded by authoritarian fascists and Operation Water Lion on indefinite hold,” General X-Ray continued in a more subdued voice, “we’ll need to proceed with the logistical preparations for Operation Land Shark immediately.” Turning back to his topographical map, the General pointed to a yellow-shaded region of the map with his riding crop. “Focus your attention on this area of the battlefield, if you please,” he instructed. “This area here, roughly three to six miles inside the border and approximately twenty miles long, constitutes one of the main areas for illegal alien rally points. The foothills provide cover for the invading vagrants, and it has close access to the interstate. Our mission is to survey, monitor, and interdict said immigrants before they can rendezvous with transportation. The terrain is rugged. Fire Team Leader Alpha has graciously procured favorable rental terms for four ATV vehicles from his employer to aid in our campaign.”

“Yeah, but please, people, we can’t bang ’em up,” Fire Team Leader Alpha implored. “Remember what happened to the Winnebago we took to Juarez last month? I think they’re still trying to fix the transmission on that thing.”

“Duly noted, Fire Team Leader,” General X-Ray replied. “The manufacturer should have installed a warning sign on those models regarding the limitations of the vehicle’s ability to overcome roadblocks while in high-speed reverse.”

“I guess so, but my boss ain’t really buying the story about the pack of rabid javelinas nesting behind the RV,” said Fire Team Leader Alpha.

“He’s on to nothing,” replied the General curtly. “Besides, we paid cash up front for the ATV rentals and put Private Zulu’s house with the new porch up for collateral if damages were to be incurred.”

“What the hell!” yelled Private Zulu as he leaped from his chair, knocking it over in the process. “How’d you put my house up without me knowing?” he cried.

“That’s why we require copies of past tax returns, financial statements, bank records, and mortgage information prior to joining STRAC-BOM, Private Zulu. Be proud, son. You’re making a noble sacrifice for your great country and your proud heritage. Besides, damage to equipment on this mission is as prohibited as failure to successfully complete the mission is.”

“Mamma’s going to right skin me if she finds out,” Private Zulu moaned as the men helped him back into his chair.

“The only ones getting skinned will be the nefarious interlopers,” the General continued, after taking a long slurping drink from the Mr. Pibb can resting on the podium. Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he belched. “Individual Fire Teams will share an ATV with one man driving and one man navigating and riding shotgun. I’ll coordinate combat activities from the fourth ATV and serve as immediate reinforcement or emergency EVAC, if required. Communication will be via walkie-talkies. Radio silence will be maintained at all times unless I initiate communication. The border patrol monitors radio frequencies, and we don’t want them aware of our activities.”

The General again paced slowly back and forth in front of his troops with his hands clasped behind his back. The riding crop twitching in his grasp appeared like a straight leather tail as he spoke. “We’ll rally here Friday evening for equipment check and shakedown at 1800 hours. ATV training is at 1900 hours. Operation Land Shark will commence precisely at 2000 hours. I want this brigade fully operational and in place for the early Saturday morning border crossings. Operations will formally conclude Sunday at 1800 hours or when the tide of illegal vagrancy has been stemmed, whichever comes first.”

“Sir?” Private Foxtrot asked.

“Yes, private.”

“Will we be back in time for the Cowboys game on Sunday?”

“I think it might be a night game,” Fire Team Leader Charlie chimed in.

“No, I think we play Monday night,” added Private Zulu. “We should be okay.”

“Not so fast, men,” said the General. “Monday night you’ll all be here with me debriefing Operation Land Shark. A timely and accurate post mortem of an operation this critical in our fight for freedom is imperative.”

“Sir,” said Fire Team Leader Bravo. “I’d like to formally request that we debrief Operation Land Shark during the Cowboys game.”

“Impossible,” snapped the General.

“But it’s the Cowboys, sir,” pleaded Private Foxtrot.

“Who we playing?” the General asked.

“Sir, Philadelphia, sir!” Private Zulu interjected.

“I see,” the General said, rubbing his chin as he paused to think. “Philadelphia…very well, then, operational debrief will occur here Monday evening at 1800 hours. Fire Team Leader Bravo, since this was your request, you and your troops…err, troop, are responsible for requisitioning guacamole and chips.”

“General, sir,” Fire Team Leader Alpha said meekly. “Monday night I’m supposed to go to the city for my taxidermy class. I already missed three of the last six weeks.”

“Then missing one more won’t really put you that much further behind, will it?” The General’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Fire Team Leader, I expect you here Monday night promptly at 1800 hours, or you will find yourself on permanent kitchen patrol and latrine duty here at the HQ. Do I make myself crystal clear?”

“Crystal, sir,” Fire Team Leader Alpha replied despondently as he hunched over and stared at his scuffed, aging desert combat boots. “Guess I’ll never get that dang muskrat mount finished,” he muttered dejectedly.

“Very well, then!” General X-Ray proclaimed as he snapped to attention. “I’ll see you men here tomorrow at 1800 for equipment check. Uh-rah!”

“Uh-rah!” the brigade replied.




CHAPTER TWO

They Don’t Name Emperors Buddy


Avery lay in his small bed. His sleep was restless and tortured by dreams. He dreamt of an Aztec priest, painted black, sitting underneath an ancient temple with a grey stone gargoyle at the top. The priest was holding a sacrificial stone knife. A small fire burned in front of him. Lighting flashed and thunder cracked as the old man sang in his primeval tongue. The flames of the fire began to jump with the rhythm of his voice. The temple’s broad pyramid was framed against the low-hanging full moon behind it. The dark image of the temple seemed a thousand miles wide. Avery couldn’t understand what the old man was saying, but his eyes warned of danger, of terror. His chanting, his singing had some purpose. Avery didn’t understand what it was. Avery tossed in his sleep. He was sweating and kicking the sheets off his bed. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t ask the questions he so desperately wanted to. Most terrifyingly, he couldn’t wake up.

The flames flickered higher as the priest’s singing grew in intensity. Slowly, out of the fire it came. Black and hairless, it had eyes filled with flames. Avery tried to get up and run, but his body wouldn’t respond. His mind raced. His mind screamed, but in his dream, his limbs were numb. With deliberate, loping strides the beast moved toward him. Its eyes never blinked. Avery tried to scream. Nothing came out. A long black tongue hung from the side of the beast’s mouth as the noxious odor of sulfur and rotting flesh filled the air. Avery struggled to get a good look at it, trying to catch a clear glimpse of the creature as the backlight of the fire, burning ever higher and hotter, cast dancing and erratic shadows in the moonlight. Suddenly, it was right above him, looking down. Noxious drool from its fangs dripped down on his face. Avery tried to wipe it off, but he couldn’t move. Then the beast raised its head and howled. The Aztec priest stopped his singing and lowered his head in silence. Tears ran down his face. On top of the temple, the gargoyle was gone.

• • •


Barquero’s eyes glowed with fire as blood pooled around his feet in the narrow alley. Wiping his curved blade off on the man’s shirt, he pulled out the man’s wallet. Taking the money, he tossed the wallet on the dead man’s chest. The man was on the Padre’s payroll, or at least he used to be.

Barquero had been looking for information. He didn’t get it. The man didn’t know anything, but it didn’t matter to Barquero. The man had seen his face. That was too much.

“Oye papi,” said a curvaceous woman with her hands on her hips, looking down the alley. Suddenly, she noticed the man on the ground. His throat was cut. His legs were still twitching. Barquero glared at the woman. His menacing eyes glimmered. The prostitute screamed and ran back the way she had come. Barquero turned and retreated deeper into the alley.

• • •


That morning, in the big, white house in Austin, Kip followed the smell of bacon down the stairs and into the kitchen. Bennett looked as if he’d been up for awhile. He was reading the paper while he sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee with a half-eaten biscuit drowned in honey sitting in front of him. The rest of the biscuits sat with a pile of bacon on a white platter in the middle of the table. Max sat in the corner of the kitchen by his water bowl. The dog cocked his head in curiosity as Kip entered the room

“Morning, boy,” Bennett said, looking up from the paper. “Coffee is over there.”

“Thanks,” Kip replied as he reached into the cupboard for a coffee mug. Filling the mug to the rim from the pot, he turned and pulled out a chair opposite Bennett.

“Get some grub in you. I don’t cook much, but I do like breakfast,” Bennett said, pushing the platter toward Kip.

“Thanks, maybe in a minute,” Kip replied as he sipped the scalding-hot coffee.

“Sleep okay?”

“Yeah, not bad. Avery only woke me a couple of times.”

“He sure is one strange critter. Bangs away on that keyboard all night sometimes.” At that very moment, Avery, wearing his yellow tracksuit and looking even more haggard than usual, stumbled into the kitchen, banging his toe on the door as he entered. “Morning, sunshine,” said Bennett as he smiled at Avery.

Avery grunted in reply as he retrieved a Mountain Dew from the refrigerator and cracked it open. He placed a plastic straw from beside the sink into the can.

“Stay up late?” asked Kip.

“Most of the night. Bad dreams,” Avery replied as he leaned against the sink and slurped heavily from the straw. “Plus, that infernal CIA mainframe is really pissing me off.”

“CIA mainframe?” Kip inquired as he glanced out of the corner of his eye at Bennett.

“I’ve been trying to gain access for the last week,” Avery replied. “I keep running into redundant firewalls.”

“I’m pretty sure hacking the CIA is frowned upon,” said Kip.

“Of course it is,” replied Avery as he sucked down the last of the soda. “However, it’s imperative I discover everything they know about me. The only way to do that is to access their files.”

“Avery,” Bennett growled menacingly, “I put up with a lot of horse crap from you. If the Feds come knocking on my door because of your little games, I’m positively going to let them shoot you. I’ll even loan them a damn gun.”

“Doctor, don’t worry yourself,” Avery said nonchalantly. “My clandestine efforts are completely untraceable. At least, they should be. Besides, if they do come, I doubt they’ll simply knock on the front door. More likely they’ll utilize black ops commandos rappelling from helicopters. Probably use flash-bang grenades to disorient us. Going forward, I’d suggest you both wear earplugs to bed as a precaution.”

“Got your tracksuit on,” said Bennett. “You heading out?”

“Later,” Avery replied as he cracked the pull-tab on another can of Mountain Dew.

“Where you headed?” asked Bennett. “I’ll be sure to avoid it.”

“Well, first I’ll need to cross town and double back a few times to avoid being tailed, then I need to stop at Magic Man’s bookstore,” Avery said, then drained the second can of soda.

“Bookstore?” said Bennett. “That place ain’t nothing but a head shop for dopers. You bring any of that junk into my house, first I’ll break your neck, then I’ll throw you out on the street!”

“Pshaw, old man,” Avery replied, setting down the empty can. “My reality is so compellingly fascinating, I couldn’t ever imagine needing to escape from it.”

“Avery?” asked Kip. “If you’re worried about being spotted, why the yellow tracksuit? Doesn’t it seem just a little conspicuous?”

“On the contrary,” Avery replied condescendingly. “It’s an ultra-effective form of urban camouflage that enables me to remain anonymous in a crowd. Besides, it allows for excellent freedom of movement.”

“You don’t think it makes you stick out a bit?” asked Kip.

“Not in Austin,” Avery explained. “The conflagration of weirdoes, creeps, punks, goths, bikers, hippies, and eccentrics who reside in this town is what makes Austin such a unique environment to slip through unnoticed. The odd duck doesn’t stand out here. We’re the white noise that most people pass by. Normal people—and by normal I only mean conventional—if not intentionally ignoring us because they fear confrontation, assault, or, even worse, a request for spare change, will simply not see us. It’s a subconscious avoidance mechanism that prevents confrontation.”

“Really?”

“Indubitably. A bare-chested man with nipple rings wearing a pink tutu and riding a unicycle could rob a crowded bank in broad daylight in this town and get away free and clear without a single witness being able to describe the perpetrator. They’d have been so uncomfortable they wouldn’t even have made eye contact.”

“I see,” said Kip, chuckling slightly. “I guess you should be the invisible man, then. What’re you picking up at the bookstore?”

“Reference materials on the chupacabra, if you must know,” Avery replied.

“Chupa what?” asked Kip looking rather puzzled.

“Chupacabra. It means the ‘goat sucker.’ I firmly believe that climatic changes spawned by global warming are pushing their territorial Mexican feeding grounds north. If I’m correct, we may soon find ourselves surrounded by the vampire-like beasts.”

“You buying this, Bennett?” Kip asked.

“Hell, no,” Bennett snorted as he filled his pipe. “Just an old Mexican wives’ tale to keep little kids from running off into the sticks at night. Every once in a while a rancher will come across a dead, mangy dog or a decomposing coyote and call it a chupacabra. Next thing you know, everyone gets worked up about why they’re finding dead livestock. Don’t pay any attention to him. He’s an idiot.”

Avery shot the doctor the “stink eye” as he stormed out of the kitchen. Muttering a barrage of expletives as he pounded up the stairs, he slammed shut the door to his room with a tremendous bang. Startled, Max jumped to his feet and barked at the sudden noise before sheepishly looking at his master as if to apologize for the outburst.

“Sorry,” Bennett said to Kip as he returned to reading his newspaper. “He was ruining my breakfast.”

• • •


The mid-morning eastbound traffic slowed to a standstill in front of El Barquero’s car. Ahead, a jackknifed semi had closed the highway down to only one lane. Impatient motorists took out their frustrations on their horns as the backed-up mass of cars and trucks fought their way over to the far right-hand lane. Half a dozen police and emergency vehicles and numerous burning road flares added to the confusion of the gridlocked road.

El Barquero didn’t need the delay. He was already behind schedule, and the trunk of his sedan contained the contents of the burlap bags he’d taken from the two men he’d killed in the desert. With all the police around, a trunk full of narcotics made El Barquero extremely cautious about drawing unwanted attention.

On the shoulder of the road, a highway patrol officer was waving the long, slow line of traffic past the jackknifed semi. As El Barquero’s car crept alongside the patrolman, the line of traffic stopped again. Ahead, one of the emergency vehicles momentarily blocked the only open lane of traffic. El Barquero stayed calm as he looked down the line of vehicles in front of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the serious-looking patrolman watching him. Staring at him. Staring at his car. It wouldn’t be the first time the authorities had asked El Barquero to pull over and step out of the car for no apparent reason. Having brown skin in this part of the country seemed to be good enough reason for law enforcement to question you about anything. Usually, El Barquero played along with them. One of the many advantages of working for the cartel was a ready supply of impeccably forged documents. But he wouldn’t play along with the police today, not with what his trunk contained.

El Barquero slowly slid his hand toward the passenger seat. A thin black leather jacket rested on the seat. Beneath the jacket was his pistol. He reached under the jacket and gripped the weapon. Carefully, he moved the jacket and the pistol toward his lap. Keeping the handgun concealed, he maintained his focus down the road.

“Dammit,” El Barquero hissed under his breath as the overly interested patrolman took a step toward his car. With the traffic at a standstill, the patrolman bent over and knocked on the passenger-side window. The patrolman made a circular motion with his hand to roll the window down. Beneath the jacket in his lap, El Barquero thumbed back the hammer on his pistol as he kept his attention focused down the line of traffic. The officer knocked on the window again, harder this time. El Barquero used his free hand to slowly reach for the automatic window switch. He tightened his grip on the pistol as he finally turned to look the patrolman in his eyes. El Barquero could see his own reflection in the patrolman’s mirrored sunglasses. He prepared to roll down the window.

“I’ll kick your ass, you son of a bitch!” came a loud cry from several cars back down the line of traffic. It was followed immediately by a long, piercing blast of horn. The patrolman looked away from El Barquero and back toward the sudden commotion. The driver of a sedan was refusing to let a pickup truck cut in line. The cowboy in the truck wasn’t happy. The cowboy leaned on his horn again as he inched his truck bumper barely in front of the sedan’s. This time, the man in the sedan got on his horn.

The patrolman took one last look at El Barquero. One very, very long look before turning to walk down the line of stalled traffic to diffuse the situation between the two motorists, both still blasting their horns.

In a moment, the line of traffic began to slowly move forward. Carefully watching the highway patrolman through his rearview mirror, El Barquero gently lowered the hammer on his pistol.

• • •


Later that morning, as Avery approached his destination, he stealthily ducked between the boulevard trees that lined the neighborhood sidewalk. Looking back one last time to see if he was being followed, he made a dash for the front door. The multicolored sign out front identified the old Victorian house as The Magic Man’s Curio Shop and Bookstore.

The Magic Man was indeed a head shop, but mainly an emporium of the weird. The maroon three-story building with its rusted wrought-iron fence and quirky gothic spire could easily pass for a year-round haunted house if the tie-dyed treatments in the bay windows didn’t identify it as more of a funhouse than a lair for ghosts and ghouls.

The Magic Man was actually Ziggy, an aging hippy who never quite made it out of the sixties. He lived in the third-floor apartment and ran the two-level shop below. At least, he ran it when he remembered to unlock the front door and flip the sign to OPEN, which was only about half the time.

Avery climbed the front porch stairs, nearly tripping on the top step. Noticing the sign read CLOSED, he pounded on the heavy door.

“Ziggy, you moron!” Avery bellowed. “Wake up!” After a few minutes of banging on the door and windows and disparaging Ziggy’s name in numerous ways, Avery heard the sound of someone struggling to open a lock. Then another. Then another. After five locks and two security chains had finally been disengaged, Ziggy poked his lizard-like face out from around the half-opened door.

“Whoa, like, sorry, dude,” Ziggy stammered as he pushed the door open and flipped the sign over. “Like, what time is it, Avery?”

“Two in the afternoon. Kindly allow me in, you reptilian burnout.”

“What day is it?” Ziggy asked as Avery barged past him.

“The day before tomorrow.”

“Groovy, man,” Ziggy said as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Like, really groovy.” Ziggy scampered across the main room toward the front counter. The painfully skinny shopkeeper’s neck seemed to be losing the struggle to keep his abnormally large head upright. As he ducked behind the cash register, Ziggy chattered excitedly, “Check it out, man, check it out. I just got some really killer stuff in.” He popped back up holding up a small purple cloth bag bound at the top with twine and a mason jar of green and brown herbs. A huge grin spread across Ziggy’s face.

“Oh, please,” Avery said as he rolled his eyes. “I’m not here for your hallucinogenic poison.”

“No way, man. This is authentic Gris Gris, straight from Ghana.”

“Seriously, Ziggy, if you throw a stick in this town, you’ll hit a pot dealer. You don’t need to have it imported from West Africa.”

“It’s not weed, man. It’s, like, Gris Gris. It, like, helps draw love and, like, positive influences into your life.”

“Not interested.”

“Okay, I can dig it, man,” Ziggy said as he put the items back under the counter. “But check this out,” he said pulling out a rectangular item wrapped in white cloth. He carefully placed the item on the counter and unwrapped it. “This is so far out, man,” he said as his large eyes gleamed. “Isn’t it trippy, man?”

“It’s a Ouija board, you lunatic.”

“No way, man. It’s special. Can’t you feel the vibe? This was, like, personally owned by Elvis, man.”

“Well, you should have customers lined up around the corner for such a unique item. Have you given any thought as how to convince your clientele of its actual provenance?”

“Oh, no way, dude. I’m not selling this. This is, like, my personal bat phone to the King.”

“Well, if you get in touch with him, ask him to look around the afterworld for Richard Nixon and punch him in the liver for me.”

“No way, man. You can’t use the King for evil,” Ziggy replied in horror. “That’ll bring down some really bummer karma, man. Really bummer karma.”

“Fine, then,” Avery said as he turned and marched purposefully toward the stairs that led to the store’s book section. “I need immediate access to your stacks.”

“Cool, man, like, no problem,” said Ziggy as he placed the Ouija board beneath the counter and ran upstairs after Avery.

The rooms on the second floor of the shop contained different categories of books. Signs above the various doors listed topics such as Occult, Voodoo, Witchcraft, Spells & Magic, and Secret Societies.

“Where are your tomes on supernatural creatures?” asked Avery.

“Like, what kind, man?” Ziggy replied. “Vampires? Werewolves? Elves?”

“Chupacabras.”

“Like, I don’t have one on just them,” said Ziggy as he ducked into a room. “But, like, these have some chapters on them,” he continued as he pulled three books off a shelf.

Avery flipped through the pages of the old publications. After perusing them for a few minutes, he seemed satisfied.

“I’ll take all three,” he said as he exited the room and headed down the stairs. “Put them on my account.”

“No way, man,” pleaded Ziggy as he ran to catch up with Avery. “You never pay up. Like, this ain’t no free library I’m running here.”

“Silence!” demanded Avery. “Or I’ll inform the authorities of your illegal possession of the elephant tusks and monkey paws downstairs.”

Avery bounded down the stairs of the Magic Man’s Curio Shop and Bookstore, stumbling as he reached the bottom. Looking back over his shoulder to ensure that the freaky little lizard wasn’t following him to demand payment for the books, he squeezed through the front gate.

Avery made his way down the street before cutting over a few blocks to reach the main road. Nervously, he scanned the surrounding area for spies. As he strode quickly past the various shops and storefronts that lined the boulevard, he thumbed through his newly acquired publications, further investigating the chapters regarding chupacabras.

“Not as much as I had hoped,” he mumbled to himself, “but worthwhile nonetheless.”

“Dude, watch where you’re going!” a teenage boy yelled as he bounced off the yellow tracksuit-clad pedestrian deeply immersed in his reading.

“Get back to school, you grubby street urchin pickpocket!” a startled Avery gruffly replied as he checked to see that he still had all his possessions.

“Screw you, fatty!” the boy cried as he took off running down the street.

“I’ll see you interred!” Avery shouted as he flipped the back of his hand under his chin and in the direction of the fleeing boy. “A youth of today, prisoner number 48238 of tomorrow,” he mumbled.

Passing a local flower shop, Avery noticed a local taco vendor’s truck pulled up alongside the curb. Suddenly realizing he hadn’t had anything to eat except a dozen or so Mountain Dews since last night, he decided to stop for a brief respite.

“Madame, what is the name of this establishment?” Avery inquired of the thirty-something-year-old Hispanic woman behind the counter as he approached the window.

“Consuela’s Tacos,” she replied in a mildly perturbed manner as she pointed to the two-foot-high red lettering on the side of the truck clearly announcing it as CONSUELA’S TACOS.

“Are you the owner of this mobile culinary contraption?”

“Yes, I’m Consuela,” the woman replied while wiping her hands with a white dishtowel.

“Do you have the proper documentation to operate here?”

“Yes.”

“Have the health inspectors reviewed your premise lately?”

“Yes.”

“Any recent write-ups or food critic reviews recommending your food, and if so, how many stars were you awarded?”

“No,” Consuela replied, leaning her elbows onto the counter. “But I expect the Zagat’s people here any time now. Look, do you want something to eat or not?”

“What’s the specialty of the house?”

“Pretty much tacos,” Consuela replied as she pointed to the large menu board propped against the truck. “But I sell hot chocolate and churros as well.”

“What the bloody hell is a churro?” Avery demanded.

“Fried dough. Kind of like a doughnut.”

“No, no, no,” said Avery, shaking his head. “My arduous and lengthy journey today to obtain these rare and valuable resource materials requires much more substantial sustenance that that.”

“Monster books?” she replied smugly as she reviewed the titles on the spines of the books in his hand.

“Compendiums of Cryptozoology, to be more precise. What kind of tacos do you serve?”

“Pollo, carnitas,” she said, once again pointing at the menu in front of him, “carne asada…”

“In English!” Avery demanded.

“Chicken, pork, steak,” she drolly recited, “shredded beef, chorizo—that’s sausage to you—ground beef and vegetarian.”

“I’ll have three chicken and three steak. What do they come with?”

“Onions and cilantro. Hot sauce and limes are over there.”

“No onions on mine. You hear me? Absolutely no onions shall touch my food. They don’t react well with my digestive system. I don’t even want the meat to be cooked on the same part of the grill used to cook the onions. Do I make myself perfectly clear?”

“Don’t worry. The onions are raw; I put them on last with the cilantro.”

“Do the onions and cilantro share the same container?”

“No.”

“Do you use the same knife to cut them?”

“Of course not,” Consuela said in mock horror as she cupped her hands to the sides of her face. “Are you crazy?”

“Very good, then, woman. I’ll have three chicken and three steak tacos to go. Oh, and one large Mountain Dew.”

“I don’t have Mountain Dew, only Coca Cola, bottled water, or Jarritos.”

“What?” Avery exclaimed. “No Mountain Dew? What kind of backwater operation are you running here?”

“I’m running a taco truck.”

“Without Pepsi products? Are you insane?”

“Look, mister, you want something to drink with your tacos or not?”

“What were my choices again?”

“Coke, water, and Jarritos,” an exasperated Consuela repeated.

“Explain Jarritos.”

“Flavored water,” she said, pointing to a row of glass bottles filled with brightly colored liquid that lined a shelf in the window of the truck.

“Absolutely not,” a repulsed Avery replied. “Probably swarming with infectious diseases from their foreign place of origin. I’ll have a Coke, if I must.”

“Okay, then,” said Consuela as she turned and placed six tortillas on the grill to warm. “One Coke, three chicken, and three steak…all with extra onions.”

“What!” screamed Avery. “You insolent wench, didn’t you hear a word…”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Consuela laughed as she added the chicken and steak to the grill. “Don’t worry,” she smiled at Avery over her shoulder, “no onions.”

Avery leaned against the side of the truck and returned to perusing his books as Consuela prepared his order.

“You want cilantro on your tacos?” Consuela asked.

“On the side.”

“You want cilantro on the side?”

“Wrapped separately.”

“Okay,” Consuela shrugged.

When the meat and tortillas were warmed through, Consuela assembled the tacos individually in small squares of tin foil, making sure to hide a small piece of onion in the filling of each one. Wrapping them up tightly, she grabbed a plastic bottle of Coke and placed the order on the counter.

“Your order is ready,” she called to Avery, smiling ever so slightly. “That’s six dollars for the tacos and a buck fifty for the coke. Seven fifty total.”

Avery closed his books and returned to the truck window counter. Reaching into his fanny pack, he retrieved his Diners Club card and placed it on the metal counter.

“I don’t take Diners Club,” said Consuela as she pushed the card back at Avery with her index finger. “Cash only,” she added, nodding in the direction of the large sign in the window that read CASH ONLY.

“Preposterous!” Avery exclaimed. “This isn’t Mexico City, you Teotihuacan chiseler! This is the United States of America, and Diners Club is accepted universally by all restaurants in all fifty states.”

“First of all,” Consuela snapped her fingers, “my family is from Monterrey, and second of all, no, it’s not!”

“Fine,” spat Avery. He retrieved his card and fished in his fanny pack for cash.

“Oh, Jesus,” said Consuela as Avery dumped handfuls of change and a few wadded-up bills on the counter.

“Please understand,” said Avery as he smoothed out four singles and began separating the coins into piles. “As soon as I’m back in my office, I plan on contacting the Better Business Bureau and lodging a formal complaint.”

“Knock yourself out.”

“There,” said Avery pushing the change and the bills across the counter and sweeping up the remaining coins and depositing them back in his fanny pack. “Seven fifty.”

“This one’s not a real coin,” Consuela said, flicking the offending bronze-colored coin back across the counter.

“It most certainly is. It’s a Canadian dollar coin, commonly known as the ‘Loonie.’ Come to think of it, given the current exchange rate with the U.S. dollar, it’s actually worth slightly more than one dollar. You owe me change.”

“The only ‘Loonie’ here is the one wearing the yellow tracksuit. Now give me another dollar, take your food, and leave.”

Avery dug back into the fanny pack and produced the necessary change. After slapping the coins down loudly on the metal counter, he gathered up his meal.

“Don’t expect my further patronage of your establishment,” Avery said contemptuously as he turned and walked away.

“Have a nice day.” Consuela smiled.

Avery stormed down the street, mumbling and cursing under his breath. He wandered several blocks looking for an appropriate place to sit and eat. Noticing a local coffee shop with a small wrought-iron table and chair out front, he stopped and sat down, preparing to eat. A slim college-aged man wearing dark, skinny jeans and a faded Elvis Costello concert T-shirt swept the sidewalk in front of the shop.

“What can I get you?” the young man asked Avery.

“World peace,” Avery replied without looking up from the taco he was unwrapping.

“No, I mean, what would you like to drink? You can’t sit there without purchasing something.”

“I’ll have a large Mountain Dew,” Avery replied, sniffing the contents of the roll of tin foil containing the cilantro and pushing it away in disgust.

“Look, sir, this is a coffee shop,” the young man said, leaning on the broom handle.

“Good for you. One large Mountain Dew, please.”

“Dude, we just sell coffee.”

“Not interested,” Avery replied as he stuffed an entire taco into his mouth.

“Angus!” the young man yelled into the open door of the coffee shop. “This dude won’t order.”

A few moments later, Angus strode through the door, stood in front of Avery, and placed his toaster-sized hands on his hips. Avery could tell the large man with the sleeves cut off his shirt and sporting a shaved head and goatee meant business. The man glared at Avery and pointed down the street. Avery, realizing he was outnumbered, scooped up his belongings, less the package of cilantro, while struggling to keep the taco from escaping his overly stuffed mouth.

“Mmmfffgggrrrsss!” Avery angrily mumbled at the two men as he left, spewing some of the taco from his mouth.

Avery shuffled down the street with his load until he was out of sight of the coffee shop. Struggling to balance his load of books, tacos, and drink, Avery spotted a bench at the corner bus stop. An elderly man in a dark suit sat quietly at one end of the bench. Avery collapsed down on the other. He unwrapped another taco and pushed it into his mouth. His woolly cheeks bulged as he slowly chewed the taco, some of it sneaking out the corner of his mouth. Ever so slightly, the pace of his chewing increased until finally, in one gulp, he swallowed it.

“Sonny,” the old man said as he stood up to board the city bus pulling up to the curb. “You got a little something on your face.” He pointed to his cheek.

“So do you,” Avery replied. “The extraordinarily unattractive nose of a leper.”

“Agh!” the old man exclaimed, waving his hand as if to swat Avery away as he climbed aboard the bus.

Avery returned to ravaging another taco. As the bus pulled away, Avery spotted a pretty young woman across the street, walking down the block with something tubular slung across her back. Avery wondered if he’d seen her before, as he shoved another taco in his mouth. Maybe it was somewhere earlier today. Yes! That’s it. It has to be her. Of course she changed her disguise, he thought. She’s been tailing me all day.

Avery snatched up his books and remaining food and sprinted, well, stumbled as quickly as he could down his side of the street until he was a block ahead of the woman. Crossing the street, he ducked into the doorway of a small camera store. Frantically searching his fanny pack, he found a small plastic dental mirror. He poked the mirrored end out past the edge of the doorway ever so slightly.

“There you are,” Avery mumbled to himself as the woman walked down the sidewalk toward him.

Avery monitored her progress toward his position with his mirror until she was only a few feet away. He sprang from the doorway and stood directly in the path of the startled woman.

“Who are you?” Avery demanded.

“Jesus, you scared me,” the woman said, staring at the yellow-clad man with the crazy food-studded beard blocking her path.

“Who are you? Who you working for?”

“What?” the woman asked, taking a step back.

“CIA?” Avery said, taking a step forward. “Interpol? Mossad? Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been shadowing me for hours.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Look, stay away from me, or I’ll call the cops.”

“Go ahead. Local authorities don’t have jurisdiction in our deadly dance. Now, take that folding sniper rifle off your shoulder and place it on the ground.”

“It’s a yoga mat, you freak.”

“Right, yoga. Sure thing. Like Downward Facing Suck My…”

The sound of the smack as the woman slapped Avery across his face rang in his ears. The following knee to his groin dropped him to the pavement. His books, soft drink, and tacos scattered across the sidewalk as the young woman sprinted past him and down the street.

It took a full ten minutes for Avery to regain his composure from the blinding pain of the unexpected attack. He was furious with himself for letting the woman get the drop on him. Gathering his items, he decided he’d had enough for one day and turned toward home as quickly as possible. Limping down the street with a still throbbing cramp in his nether region, he struggled to carry his remaining belongings. Quietly whimpering as he walked, he failed to notice the squad car pulling up beside him.

“Excuse me, sir,” the officer said through the open window of the cruiser. “Please stop right there.”

“What?” Avery asked as his soda bottle slipped from his grasp and rolled off the curb and into the street.

“We’ve had a report of someone harassing a young woman in the area.”

“Why are you stopping me?”

“Because, sir, you pretty much fit the description,” the officer replied, indicating Avery’s bright yellow tracksuit.

“If you’re implying it was me, you’re badly mistaken,” Avery retorted. “In fact, I’m the victim of a recent assault. Most likely by an operative of a foreign intelligence agency.”

“I see. Well, I’ll need to see some I.D.,” the officer said as he exited the car and approached Avery.

“Do you have a warrant?”

“I don’t need one to see your I.D., sir. Please hand it over.”

Avery cursed himself for not having brought his fake passport along with him as he placed his books and remaining two tacos on the ground before fishing in his fanny pack for his license. He removed the license from the pack and handed it to the officer.

“Let me be exceptionally clear with you, officer. I view this annoyance as a clear case of unreasonable search and seizure. I plan on filing a full complaint with the Austin Police Department when I reach my office.”

“Avery Bartholomew Pendleton,” the officer recited from the dirty and mangled license. “Is this current address correct?”

“Indeed it is.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Back to my office to recover from my wounds.”

“And where is your office?”

“Same address as my residence.”

“Unit seventeen,” the police officer’s radio announced. “We have a ten sixty-four armed robbery in progress in your vicinity. Are you able to respond?”

“Roger,” the officer said into the radio mike attached to his chest. “I have your information, sir.” He handed the license back to Avery. “If we get another report of someone being bothered, we’ll come looking for you.”

Avery stood and watched as the officer jumped into his car and closed the door. As the cruiser pulled into traffic, the car’s rear tire rolled over Avery’s plastic Coke bottle, exploding its contents all over Avery. Dripping with soda, Avery leaned over and slowly gathered his belongings and limped his way back home. After a few feeble steps, an audible rumble emanated from his stomach. Clinching his sphincter, Avery quickened his pace to reach the safety of his toilet at home.

“Onions,” he whimpered. “That banshee poisoned me!”

• • •


Back at the house, Maximilian patrolled the perimeter of his yard. It was his yard. He knew it, his master knew it, the stinky one knew it, and the postman knew it. Even the stuck-up poodle that lived down the block knew it, too. She’s nothing but a conceited bitch, Max thought as he sniffed the ornamental iron fence that garrisoned his property. The French bulldog had a smooth, solid white coat and a snub black nose and short tail. His bat-like ears seemed oddly too big for his flat, square head, as did the wide tongue that protruded from his mouth as he panted. It’s my yard, and my yard alone, Max thought as he continued his inspection.

Some might think of think of him as a dog of leisure, a lap dog meant solely for companionship, just a silly four-legged court jester for his master’s entertainment, but they would be wrong. He was an adventurer, an explorer, and a mini-backyard warrior cloaked in alabaster fur. His name, Maximilian, was Latin for “the greatest,” and it fit the courageous little dog perfectly. They don’t name emperors Buddy or saints Rover, the muscular little dog thought as he lifted his hind leg to mark the fence. They name them Maximilian!

Most importantly, he was a world-class excavator, a digging machine of epic renown. His front paws clawed in fury at the grass and dirt, dredging open a shallow hole that he promptly buried his face into, his short, rapid snuffles muffled by the soft dirt.

Everything seems good here, Max thought, as an overwhelming urge to lick his crotch completely engulfed him. That’s better. He wrapped up the necessary duty and pranced to the next section of fence, his identification and vaccination tags jangling from his red leather collar as he bounced along.

His only fear was water. He hated puddles. Couldn’t stand them. On walks with Master after a storm, the journey lasted twice as long, as he had to carefully circumnavigate the awful pools of rainwater.

He had known his tall white-haired master his entire life. He couldn’t remember anyone before him. Then, all of a sudden, the lady and the stinky one in the bathrobe moved into the house. He liked the lady. She fed him tasty snacks when the master wasn’t looking and scratched his belly with her fingernails just the way he liked it and was the only one who called him Maxi. He had loved her very much, but not as much as Master. Then, all of a sudden, she was gone, leaving him alone with just Master and the stinky one. He didn’t like the stinky one. He never gave him snacks and even yelled at him when he tried to enter his room. Fortunately, the stinky one spent most of his time in his room, leaving Max free rein of the house with Master.

Suddenly, Max spotted something in the back corner of the yard. The small mound of dry dirt in the ocean of green grass was definitely out of place. It just didn’t seem right to him as he trotted over and sniffed the anthill-like pile of dirt. No, he definitely didn’t remember doing this. Puzzled, he cocked his head sideways.

Max immediately set to work, burrowing a hole out of the mound with his stubby front paws. His claws evacuated the soft soil back between his hind legs. Sufficiently satisfied with its depth, he jammed his squat face into the depression and sniffed. Instantly, he launched himself backward several feet, landing with his head low to the ground and haunches raised. His little tail pointed straight up and quivered with excitement. Max enthusiastically barked twice, quickly spun around in a circle, and immediately resumed his head-down, tail-up pose. Slowly he inched his body toward the hole and hesitantly took another sniff. He launched himself again, this time bouncing up and down on his short but powerful front legs once he landed.

It’s definitely a mole, Max thought as he carefully approached the shallow pit for a second time. Max would not share his yard with anything, especially a mole. He was the only one who dug here! Flashing red rage filled his canine brain.

Max attacked the hole with violent aplomb this time. His paws were a blur, a whirlwind of nonstop activity. Dirt rooster-tailed out behind him like wood from a chipper. Quickly he switched to the opposite side of the hole and continued his frenzied mining. He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop if he wanted. The scent of the creature had taken him over. It was intoxicating. Dig faster, the gallant little dog frantically thought. I can’t let it get away.

A foot beneath the concave depression, a mole sensed something was very wrong. The small, grey subterranean creature’s skin-covered eyes could barely tell night from day, but the pink nose at the end of its pointy snout warned him that something from above the roots of the grass was coming. Slowly, the mole used its broad front paws to push itself back into its tunnel, sluggishly moving deeper and deeper into its labyrinth-like lair.

Max continued his spastic burrowing, the front half of his body now swallowed up by the ever widening hole. Abruptly, Max stopped his frenzied digging. Burying his nose into the tunnel, he took a series of quick sniffs. The infernal rodent smell was fading. A rattling growl emanated from the little dog’s throat, followed by a sharp bark, as if to make sure the mole knew who it was dealing with and how unwelcome its presence was.

Hopping out of the hole, Max shook himself free of dirt and grass and lay down on the soft lawn beside his creation. Rubbing his face on his paws, he cleaned his wrinkly face.

Satisfied that his backyard was once again safe, Max scampered over to a small limb that had fallen overnight from one of the large oak trees that canopied the backyard. The branch weighed as much as Max and was nearly four times as long. Max took the fallen bough in his mouth and pulled. The little dog strained to move the branch across the yard. After dragging his awkward burden across the yard and next to the back door of the house, he set it down. Placing his front paws on top of his possession, he attempted to chew off one end.

Suddenly, Max heard the sound of the front gate being opened. Dropping his newly found toy, he scampered quickly around the side of the house and crouched down in the shadow of the bushes next to the front porch. Yes, it was the lady with the hair.

Aunt Polly struggled to push the gate closed with her ample backside as she clung to the two overloaded sacks of groceries in her arms. The short, heavily bosomed woman wearing a floral dress was built almost squarely, nearly as wide as she was tall. She wore a large, floppy white hat with a yellow flower tucked into the band. Beneath the wide brim, chaotic curls of bright reddish-orange hair exploded in all directions. She had stubby legs and chubby ankles that seemed to strain the tan stockings she wore. Her feet were crammed into white high-heeled shoes a half size too small. The stiletto heels in back waged a valiant battle to keep her aloft. Aunt Polly teetered back and forth in the heels, struggling to balance her unwieldy load and navigate the treacherous walkway to the front steps.

Just wait for her, Max thought. Just a little farther, and she’s all yours. The Frenchie was small, but his predatory instincts passed down genetically from wolves and jackals burned like fire within him.

Aunt Polly breathed a sigh of relief as she reached the first of the front porch stairs. Then the bushes exploded. A quick succession of high-pitched barks and yaps filled her ears, causing her to lose her balance once again. Max tore through the bushes and launched himself into the air at the lady with the crazy hair. Barking wildly, Max landed on his hind legs and leaned his full weight into the woman with his muddy front paws planted squarely on her pretty dress.

Aunt Polly stumbled backward, this time completely losing her equilibrium on the towering heels. As she fell backward, she let out a terrified screech. Extending a pudgy hand to help break her fall, she landed with a thump squarely on her backside, spilling one of the grocery bags in the process.

Max, seeing the vulnerable prize on the ground, immediately stuck his head in the fallen sack, his nose sniffing wildly. Quickly sifting through oranges, a stalk of celery, and canned goods, Max found what he was after. The little raider pulled a paper-wrapped porterhouse steak out of the grocery bag. Suddenly, Max felt the strangest sensation. It was as if he was flying, Max thought before realizing it was just his master yanking him up and away from his treasure.

“Come here, you naughty little gremlin!” Bennett scolded as he tucked Max under one arm.

It’s my kill! Max thought as he struggled furiously in his master’s tight grasp.

Trying his best to subdue the wriggling beast, Bennett extended his long arm down to Aunt Polly and helped her to her feet.“I’m terribly sorry, Polly, but you fell right into his trap,” Bennett chuckled.

Aunt Polly brushed herself off and held the back of her wrist to her forehead. “Lord have mercy,” she exclaimed in her East Texas twang that was decidedly not from Austin. “I thought for sure I was being ambushed by a demonic white tiger. My life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was ready to meet the heavenly maker. That little beast will be the death of me yet!”

“Oh, settle down, Polly, he didn’t mean to startle you. Now, you okay?”

“I’m fine, but I’m most certain I nearly broke a heel during my fall, and my dress is a disgrace.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll straighten your dress right up.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about the dress, just my delicate nerves. I can feel my blood pressure escalating.” A look of panic crossed Polly’s face as she grasped Bennett’s arm. “Bennett, you’re a doctor. What should I do?”

“Come on, Polly, let’s get you and the tiger inside so I can clean up these groceries,” Bennett said as he helped Aunt Polly up the steps. “Come on in and see Kip. He’s in the parlor. I’ll bring you a glass of cold lemonade. You’ll be just fine.”

“Thank you, Bennett. You’ve always been such a decent gentleman,” Polly said as she took his arm and climbed the porch stairs.

Bennett walked to the back of the house and put Maximilian in the kitchen. He gave the mischievous dog a disapproving look as he closed the door behind him.

Max trotted over to his water dish and took a long, sloppy slurp. Sufficiently satisfied with the morning’s outcome, he curled up under the kitchen table and almost immediately began to snore.

Bennett went back outside to collect the spilled groceries, passing Aunt Polly in the foyer as she pulled herself together. Polly straightened her hat in the mirror on the wall and brushed the dirt from her dress with her pudgy hands before she crossed the foyer into the reading parlor. As she entered the room, Kip looked up from the book he was reading and a wide grin spread across his face.

“Praise Jesus, praise Jesus!” Polly exclaimed as she shuffled across the room to embrace Kip. Pulling his neck down with the crook of her arm, she planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek, leaving behind a circular smear of red lipstick on his face. “Honey child, my sweet honey child, it’s been so long since I’ve laid eyes on you.” Polly released his neck and held him by his shoulders. “How you been? How you been?” she asked, positively beaming. “Tell me all about it; I want to know everything about the big city.”

“Well,” began Kip.

“No, no, no,” Polly interrupted. “First, come sit down over here.”

They crossed the room and sat down on the red velvet love seat that was placed in front of the fireplace. Aunt Polly’s weight on the cushions pulled Kip closer to her than he would have liked.

“Okay, now tell me all about New York,” Polly begged. “I just love New York. Adore it. Adore it. Adore it,” she ranted in her startling fast-paced manner of speaking. “Now mind you, I’ve never been, but I was going to go with some of my bingo girlfriends last summer to spend a week seeing Broadway shows, but Esther, that would be Big Esther, she’s one of my bingo girls, not Little Esther, oh, she’s one of my bingo girls, too, they’re not related, but Big Esther is plumb near six and a half feet tall, so we call her Big Esther so there’s no confusion with Little Esther, who ain’t nothing but a whisper of a thing. Anyway, Big Esther says we shouldn’t go to New York until the city’s murder rate declines for three straight years in a row, because two is a coincidence, but three is a trend, at least that’s what Esther says, Big Esther, that is, and with a group of vulnerable Christian ladies, you can’t be too careful. I watch the cable and it’s shocking, just shocking what this country is coming to. An unescorted lady can’t hardly venture out past sundown without fearing for her safety.”

“Well, really, Aunt Polly,” Kip said, “the city, it’s really not that bad…”

“And tell me about your love life!” Polly interrupted as she grabbed his hand. “I don’t see a ring on this finger,” she said devilishly. “Oh, my goodness!” Polly clasped her hands to her face. “You should come to bingo with me tonight. I’ve told my girlfriends all about you. And I’ve told them how handsome my favorite nephew is.” Polly pinched Kip’s cheek.

“You just absolutely have to meet Big Esther and Little Esther, of course they’re not related, oh, yeah, I already told you about that. But anyway, Jolene and Miss Pearl, they’re my other bingo girlfriends; they’d love to meet you. And Jolene, she has this niece named Diane.” Polly grinned from ear to ear. “Diane works in a hair salon,” Polly smiled as she cupped the flaming orange curls of hair bursting from under her hat with her hands. “She does my hair, ain’t she fabulous? And she’s single,” Polly said with a sly grin on her face. “And what a sweet girl. As Jesus as my witness,” she placed her right hand over her heart, “I’ve never heard even one single swear word come out of her mouth, and working in a hair salon without even uttering one single, solitary G.D., you know that little angel is as pure as driven snow.”

“I don’t know, Aunt Polly,” Kip hesitantly replied. “I was kind of thinking about going downtown tonight to visit an old friend.

“Well, that just works out great, sugar! The bingo is right downtown. I can pick you up and drop you off to meet your little friend when we finish. Don’t worry. We don’t stay late. We refined ladies prefer to play our cards and leave early. If you stay too late,” Polly whispered, leaning into Kip’s ear, “the crowd gets liquored up and rowdy. You can’t hardly hear your numbers being called. We’ll be gone by eight. I promise. And then you can meet your little friend.”

“Aunt Polly. Really, I don’t know…”

“Really, I insist,” interjected Polly. “I’d feel so much safer with my big, strong, handsome nephew escorting me. These days downtown Austin is plumb full of drunken fraternity boys on Friday nights. They roam the streets making a clamor as they stumble their way to the bars and dens of ungodliness on Sixth Street.”

“But, Aunt Polly, you see…”

“An unescorted woman on a Friday night in downtown Austin!” Polly again interrupted. “Well, she’s just asking to be taken advantage of by perverts.”

“Well, okay, if you really feel that way,” Kip reluctantly agreed. “But only if we don’t stay too late.”

“Perfect, perfect, perfect!” Polly squealed. “This will be so much fun Kip. You’re going to love my bingo girlfriends! Not too late. I promise. Jesus as my witness.”

“Groceries are put away,” said Bennett as he entered the parlor. “Polly, here’s your lemonade. You feeling better?”

“Positively!” Polly gushed. “Kip has kindly agreed to be my bingo escort this evening.”

“Well, ain’t that something,” Bennett chuckled as he handed Polly the glass.

“Dad, you wouldn’t you have any interest in joining us…would you?” Kip asked hopefully.

“That some kind of trick question?” Bennett growled as he plopped into the chair on the other side of the room and pulled out his pipe. “I’d rather be stripped butt naked and tied to a fire ant hill.”




CHAPTER THREE

Bingo!


The late afternoon sea breeze fluttered the thin red drapes in the open windows of an isolated beach house set along the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. Inside the house, a telephone was ringing. A heavyset drug cartel lieutenant sitting in the open living room of the beachside home reached to answer it.

“Hello,” the man said into the phone.

“Is everything in place?” the voice on the other end of the line asked.

“Everything is ready,” the heavyset man replied as he watched the waves roll gently onto the shore outside the house. “Preparations in Houston and Guatemala are complete. I just confirmed it. All we need is for your man to make the delivery on time.”

“He’ll make it,” the voice on the phone replied.

“We’ve never moved a shipment this way before, and never one this big.”

“He’ll make it, but I want your men to be extra careful,” the voice said.

“Security at the ports shouldn’t be a problem.”

“I’m not talking about the port authorities,” the voice said. “I’m talking about the other cartels. Outside of Juarez, another shipment was taken in the desert. Some people seem to think we’re responsible.”

“That’s ridiculous,” the heavyset man replied. “We don’t even have any men there.”

“Not that we knew of, but I’m afraid we did.”

“Do you know who?”

“Yes.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Right now, nothing,” the voice said. “Just make sure that the shipment gets here. Once we have it, if the other cartels want to go to war, then we’ll go to war. And once we have the shipment, I’ll take care of our friend who is causing all these problems for us in the desert. Call me when you have everything loaded for delivery. I’ll be at the ranch.”

“Sí, Padre,” the heavyset man said as he hung up the phone.

• • •


Late the next afternoon, Aunt Polly picked Kip up in front of the big white house in her Mary Kay pink Cadillac. She was wearing the same floral dress as the day before, Max’s muddy paw prints almost cleaned away. Without her big white hat, the enormous mane of curly red hair bloomed in every direction like a crazy clown wig.

“Hop on in, sugar,” Polly said as she rolled down the driver’s-side window. “We don’t want them starting without us.”

Kip plopped into the white leather passenger seat of the hideously colored car while Polly peeled out from the curb in a cloud of dust before he even had a chance to close the door behind him. Polly drove them toward downtown, traveling well in excess of the speed limit and rarely paying notice to pedestrians, other motorists, or traffic signs. Kip reached for his seatbelt as Polly checked her makeup in the vanity mirror. Failing to notice the traffic light turning red in time, Polly laid on the horn while the crossing traffic screeched to a halt as she swerved left and right past several cars that were already halfway through the intersection.

“I declare!” exclaimed Polly as she retrieved her lipstick from her purse. “Some people in this town just don’t know how to drive.”

Polly barreled down the road, weaving back and forth between the lanes as she applied another garish coat of red lipstick to her already shellacked lips. Placing the lipstick back in her purse, she inspected herself again in the mirror, puckering her lips and sucking in her cheeks like a fish.

“Perfect,” she approved with a smile. “Can’t go to bingo looking like some kind of dirty-legged streetwalker.”

After a few more blocks of driving, Kip’s right foot was cramping up from continually pressing down on the imaginary brake pedal he envisioned on his side of the floorboard. Reaching again into her purse, Aunt Polly pulled out a bingo marker.

“Here, sweetie,” Polly said as she handed the marker to Kip. “I want you to use my lucky pink bingo dauber. It gets a bingo almost every night; well, it’s been on a bit of a cold streak lately, but almost every night. Although, just between you and me, I think it ain’t the dauber. I think that Penny ain’t being straight with me. She’s the stuck-up old coot selling the card stacks at the door. I think she’s purposely holding out on me because my pralines beat hers in this year’s Travis County bake-off. I just know she’s manipulating my numbers.”

“Well, Aunt Polly, I’m sure if you kept track of the numbers called and gave your old cards to Avery, he could use his setup to perform some kind of regression analysis and determine whether you’re being cheated or not.”

“Avery!” Polly screamed. “I wouldn’t ask his opinion about anything,” she continued as she rolled her eyes. “That boy is touched and no doubt probably touching himself as we speak.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Kip replied, chuckling. “He is definitely a bit of a character.”

“Now, then,” Polly said as she flew through another traffic light, just turning red. “Before we get to the bingo, you have to know your proper etiquette. First, absolutely no ‘Jumping the Gun,’ that’s calling a bingo before the caller says the number. Some people call a bingo when the number is posted on the big board but hasn’t been officially announced by the caller yet. Always wait for the caller,” she added as she wagged a finger in Kip’s face. “Makes me furious when people don’t!”

“I’ll try to remember.”

“Second, no ‘Calling a Falsie.’ That’s calling a bingo when you don’t really have one. Miss Pearl gets particularly agitated with Falsies. This one time, she tore up her cards after this man called a bingo, only to find out that drunken cowboy had mismarked his numbers. If the floorwalkers, they’re the ones that check the cards and confirm your bingo, hadn’t stepped in to restrain her, she would have knocked that S-H-I-T kicker’s head plumb all the way to Round Rock. Oh, and speaking of Miss Pearl, if we get there first, mind you don’t sit in her lucky seat. I’ll be sure to point it out. This one time, some rookie, not one of the regulars, took her seat by accident and it dang near got ugly.”

“Don’t take Miss Pearl’s seat. Check, got it.”

“The final rule, and this one is real important, don’t go making lots of noise or commotion while the caller is announcing the numbers. My bingo girlfriends and I take this one real serious. Nothing worse than being distracted when you’re playing multiple cards.”

Kip grabbed onto the dashboard for support as Polly took an abrupt right turn, passing through a stop sign and bouncing the Cadillac’s right rear tire over the curb.

“Now when I say don’t make a racket,” Polly continued as she honked twice at the car in front to pull over for her to pass, “I don’t mean you can’t talk. In fact, the girls and I, that’s Big Esther and Little Esther, they’re not actually related, and oh, I told you that already, Miss Pearl and Jolene, we take turns calling the numbers back with our little nicknames.”

“Nicknames?”

“Nicknames for the numbers. It’s like B-46 is called ‘In the Sticks’ because it rhymes. Get it?”

“Sure.” Kip nodded.

“And I-22 is ‘Two Ducks on the Pond’ because the twos look like curved duck necks. You’ll catch right on in no time.”

“I’ll try my best.”

“But even though we call our numbers back, we keep our voices down so we don’t disturb the players like some of the riffraff do. They don’t sell alcohol at the bingo, but it’s BYOB, so some of the lushes that show up bring their own booze and get right pickled. Hold on, dear.”

Kip mashed his imaginary brake pedal again as Polly navigated another intersection. Wish I’d known that before, he thought, as he wondered if he could convince Polly to stop at a liquor store so he could pick up a fifth of bourbon to get him through the evening.

Polly put the car into a power slide as she tore into the bingo hall parking lot and came to a screeching halt in a handicapped space. Leaning over across the seat, she pressed her ample bosom into Kip’s lap as she reached for the handicapped parking tag in the glove compartment.

“My arthritic hip qualifies as a disability,” she said as she hung the tag on the rearview mirror and rolled herself out of the car.

Kip took the pink marker and followed Polly as she wobbled into the bingo hall on her strained stilettos.

“What in the hell am I doing here?” he whispered under his breath.

“Penny,” Polly said to the frowning grey-haired woman sitting at a folding table at the entrance to the hall. “I’d like to introduce you to my escort this evening. This handsome gentleman is Kip. He’s my absolute favorite nephew and will be joining the girls and myself for our bingo. He’s just in from New York where he’s one of those fancy high investment gurus, and super successful, I might add.”

“Charmed,” a clearly perturbed Penny deadpanned without looking up from the Cat Fancy magazine she was reading. “What’ll you have?”

“Oh, the usual. Plus the same for my nephew.”

“Forty a piece,” Penny replied as she pushed the stacks of cards across the table while still reading her magazine.

“Here, let me get this, Aunt Polly,” Kip said as he reached for his wallet and pulled out four twenty-dollar bills.

“Oh, bless you, sugar.” Polly reached up and pinched Kip’s cheek. “Penny, didn’t I tell you he was successful?” Polly beamed. “Now, remember, Penny, you’ve got another whole eight months to perfect your praline recipe if you want to keep me from defending my bake-off title next year.”

Pretending not to hear, Penny placed the money in a metal lockbox on the table and returned to thumbing through her magazine.

“See that,” Polly whispered into Kip’s ear as they walked into the main hall. “I told you she was a sore loser. Her pralines taste like plastic.”

The cavernous hall was brightly lit with fluorescent lighting and filled with long rows of tables. Up front, a small stage held the caller’s podium and the ball machine that randomly selected the numbers. A large electronic board for posting the numbers was mounted to the wall behind the stage.

The hall was beginning to fill with patrons as Polly dragged Kip down the main aisle. Spotting the girls, she stopped and hastily put her arm in the crook of Kip’s as he reluctantly escorted her down the aisle, wondering what he’d gotten himself into.

“Oh, ladies,” Polly beamed as she and Kip reached the row of chairs near the middle of the hall the ladies always sat in on bingo nights. “It’s my pleasure to introduce you to my nephew, Kip.”

“Why, he’s just as handsome as you promised,” Jolene, the peroxide-blonde cougar purred as she extended the back of her hand for Kip to kiss. “What a pleasure to meet you.” She slyly winked at him as Kip bent down to peck her perfectly manicured hand.

“And this right here on the end is Miss Pearl,” Polly said, pulling Kip away from Jolene’s ever tightening grasp. The short, thin, grey-haired black woman in the baby blue dress nodded in his direction as she peered out from under the brim of her white hat and examined Kip up and down through her wire-rimmed Coke-bottle glasses.

“He can stay as long as he knows the rules and don’t make a commotion,” Miss Pearl said, glaring at Kip from her lucky seat on the aisle.

“Oh, my stars, Miss Pearl,” Polly said sarcastically. “You’re one to talk about making a commotion. And down there is Big Esther and Little Esther,” Polly added, pointing to the tall, ostrich-like woman and short, pear-shaped woman knitting away furiously next to her.

“No relation,” Big Esther said, her beak-shaped nose seeming to look down on Kip even though she was seated and he was standing.

“Howdy there,” Little Esther said to Kip without stopping her knitting. “Come on and sit down. The bingo is just about to start.”

Kip and Polly slipped down the row of chairs and took the two that had been tipped forward against the table reserved for them.

“Now, Kip, get your cards all spread out so you can scan them quickly,” Polly instructed. “You have to be organized to win at bingo.”

Kip complied with Polly’s advice and arranged the cards neatly in front of him. Scanning the room, he noticed a hunched-over elderly man with a pair of enormous hearing aids struggling up to the podium with his walker.

“That’s Old Man Handlebaum,” Polly explained. “He’s the caller. He doesn’t really hear that well but has a beautiful voice for calling the numbers. If you get a bingo, really yell it out; otherwise, he might not hear you.”

Kip nodded, noticing the attractive young woman wearing a red sequined evening gown with a white silk sash across her chest announcing her as Miss Georgetown. The blonde woman’s contest smile took up most of her face as she stood with a microphone clutched in both hands, her tiara sparkling.

Old Man Handlebaum eventually scooted his walker up to the podium and reached to adjust the microphone, sending a screeching wail of feedback throughout the room, causing most of the crowd to wince and cover their ears.

“Evening, ladies and gentlemen,” Old Man Handlebaum greeted the participants in his deep baritone voice, which seemed more appropriate for a blues singer than a bingo caller. “We’ll begin this evening with a special guest.” He turned and extended his hand toward the perpetually smiling woman. “I’d like ya’ll to give a big Texas welcome to Miss Chrissie Lynn Spotsville, the recently crowned Miss Georgetown.” The room filled with applause for the young woman. The beauty queen alternated between dainty pageant waves and blown kisses to the crowd. “Chrissie Lynn will be competing later this year in the Miss Texas Pageant,” the caller continued. “But tonight, she’ll be assisting me in drawing the numbers for the bingo. However, before we begin, she has most graciously agreed to sing for us her stunning rendition of ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas.’ Take it away, Chrissie Lynn!”

Kip found himself thinking that she must have aced the swimsuit competition, as the clearly nervous woman fairly butchered the performance, struggling to smile and sing at the same time.

“Don’t you just love her dress?” said Jolene.

“The sequins are simply divine,” Little Esther replied as she knitted away at the quickly forming sock in her lap.

“Looks like a two-dollar whore to me,” Miss Pearl replied with her head propped on her fist and her white orthopedic shoe banging the table leg as she kicked away, impatiently waiting for the song to end. “Can’t we at least get Miss Austin?”

“Now, you just hush up, Miss Pearl,” Polly said. “That little angel is a pageant winner, and that plumb makes her Texas royalty in my book.”

“What book is that?” Miss Pearl asked sarcastically. “Streetwalking for Dummies?”

“Don’t you get me started, Miss Pearl,” said Polly. “She’ll be done in a minute, and then I’ll get to work cleaning your clock at the bingo.”

“Bring it on,” snapped Miss Pearl.

After a few minutes, the song mercifully ended, with the still-smiling pageant queen trembling as she clutched the microphone in a death grip. Scattered applause came from pockets of the room as the nervous woman took her place beside the drum-like cage that contained the lettered and numbered ping-pong balls.

“Encore, encore!” cried Polly as she applauded loudly.

“I’ll slap the tar out of both of you if she touches that microphone one more damn time,” said Miss Pearl through gritted teeth. Polly turned and stuck her tongue out at her.

“Thank you, darling,” said Old Man Handlebaum as he spun the cage. “That was delightful.”

“Delightful?” said Miss Pearl as she stood and placed her hands on the table with one leg extended back in a runner’s stretch. “That old fool couldn’t hear a word she sang.”

“What’s she doing?” Kip whispered to Polly as he stared at Miss Pearl in curiosity.

“She likes to get warmed up before we start,” replied Polly. “In case she gets a bingo, she doesn’t want to pull a muscle jumping up to call it out.”

“Here we go!” announced the caller as the girls leaned over their cards, bingo daubers raised and poised. Intently concentrating, the girls waited for the first number to be called, while Kip looked back at the door and wondered if this might be a good opportunity to make his escape. The pageant queen removed the first ball from the drum and handed it to the caller.

“G-fifty-four!” the old man announced.

“Fifty-four. Clean the floor,” said Miss Pearl as the girls furiously scanned their multiple cards and marked away.

“B-two!”

“Two. Me and you,” said Jolene as the girls rotated calling down the line.

“N-thirty-four!”

“Thirty-four. Ask for more,” said Little Esther as she alternated between marking her cards and knitting the sock resting in her lap.

“G-fifty!”

“Fifty. Hawaii Five-O,” said Big Esther as her small head with shortly cropped, slicked back white hair bobbed forward and back on her elongated neck.

“B-eight!”

“Eight. One fat lady,” chimed Polly as she looked to make sure Kip was keeping up.

“I-twenty-seven!”

“That’s you, Kip,” said Polly.

“Uh, what’s twenty-seven?”

“A duck with a crutch,” said Polly as the other girls stared down the table, waiting for him.

“Twenty-seven. A duck with a crutch,” Kip said meekly.

“Good job, sugar,” said Polly. “Now, don’t forget to mark your cards. You got one there, and one there.”

“I-sixteen!”

“Sixteen. Never been kissed,” said Miss Pearl as the calling rotation began again.

“O-sixty-nine!”

“Sixty-nine. Your place or mine?” Jolene said as she stared down the table at Kip and his broad shoulders. She twirled a lock of her bleached-blonde hair with her index finger, wondering what he liked for breakfast.

“Back off, Jolene,” said Polly. “He’s already got plans this evening.

“What a shame,” Jolene sighed as she winked at Kip again.

“B-four!”

“Bingo!” screamed a woman two rows in front of the girls and Kip, as she leapt into the air, waving her arms in excitement. “Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!”

“Damnation!” swore Miss Pearl.

“How’d she get one so fast?” inquired Little Esther.

“Must be sleeping with the caller,” answered Jolene.

“Why that’s purely disgusting,” said Big Esther, covering her little ears with her huge hands.

“Shut up, you old prude,” Miss Pearl replied. “You’d jump Old Man Handlebaum if he gave you half a chance. Might be a good match, too. He couldn’t hear your squawking.”

• • •


As he sat down at the front of the hall, the woman’s scream of “bingo” had snapped Ziggy back into focus. The hallucinogenic mushrooms he had taken before he closed up the Curio Shop, although he actually hadn’t remembered to open today, were just starting to go to work.

Ziggy enjoyed coming to bingo, though he really didn’t play much. He preferred to get highly inebriated and listen to the caller announce the numbers. In his delirious state, he could see the ping-pong balls floating through the air and filling the room like numbered and lettered balloons.

He also really enjoyed the game room in back, filled with vintage video games. The game room was usually empty as opposed to most of the video arcades in town, which were filled with rowdy teenagers playing modern three-dimensional shooting games or bouncing around on dance contest machines. No, the arcade here was his favorite. All the classics like Galaga and Ms. Pac-Man were there, and it was one quarter, one play. No tokens or game cards like the newer arcades. The name “Ziggy” dominated the high score column on almost all the machines. Plus, Ziggy thought the concession stand in the back of the hall served a pretty mean hot dog.

Feeling a little queasy from the drugs, Ziggy decided that one of those fine tubular sausages might help. He stumbled down the aisle past the row where the girls and Kip sat, desperately concentrating on not falling down. Weaving his way down the aisle, he finally reached the back of the hall.

“Like, one foot-long, please,” Ziggy said as he endeavored to pull some money out of the back pocket of his baggy cargo shorts with one hand while holding onto the counter for balance with the other. The attendant produced the long hot dog and took Ziggy’s money.

“Mustard?” Ziggy inquired.

“Over there,” the attendant replied. “Same as it always is.”

Suddenly paranoid, Ziggy snuck over to the condiment bar, attempting to not draw attention. Hunching over to avoid being seen, he pressed down on the lever of the large jar of mustard, sending a long stream of the bright yellow liquid oozing along his snack.

“Like, far out, man,” Ziggy mumbled as the mustard filled the bun and began to run over the sides. “Like, liquid gold, dude.”

With mustard dripping from the covered hot dog, Ziggy turned to find his seat. After a few staggering steps, he stopped and returned to the jar.

“Like, just a little more, man,” he said as he squirted one last stream across the completely submerged and overflowing hot dog.

Slowly making his way back down the aisle, Ziggy focused intently on his delicious possession, trying desperately not to leave a dribbling trail of mustard in his wake.

“She’ll go to Baylor over my dead body,” said a large man to his wife, who was sitting directly behind the girls and Kip. “No daughter of mine is going to a school that don’t allow dancing. How’s she going to meet a husband?”

“Honey,” his wife calmly replied, “they changed that rule years ago.”

“Still don’t matter,” the large man answered. “She needs to go to A&M. They got lots of boys in the Corps at College Station. Better odds she can find a man there. Plus, the Aggies have a better football team.”

“Darling, she won’t go to A&M. She says maroon makes her look fat.”

“Well, for Pete’s sake, Gladys, she is fat!”

“Shut the hell up!” Miss Pearl exploded, as she turned and glared at the couple behind her. “I’ll come back there and brain both you and your fat little hussy if you don’t pipe down so I can hear my numbers!”

“Who are you calling a fat little hussy, you gnarly old toad?” Gladys stood up, facing Miss Pearl with her hands on her hips. “Nobody talks about my sweet little baby girl like that.”

“You wanna go?” snarled Miss Pearl, standing up and raising her clenched fists. “You wanna go now?”

“Ladies, please!” Polly cried as she moved to separate the two women. “Can’t we all just act like mature Christian ladies? There’s no need for violence.”

At the same moment, Ziggy, fighting to maintain his balance, passed the commotion. Looking up, he saw Polly with her exploding mane of curly red hair between the two ladies. Terror filled Ziggy’s mind as he stumbled with his mustard-soaked hot dog.

“A flaming Medusa!” Ziggy screamed as the hallucinogen made Polly’s wild hair look like fiery red serpents hissing and weaving in all directions. “I’m done for!” he wailed as he lost control of his hot dog, sending it flying directly at Miss Pearl. The dripping foot-long arced through the air and crashed into Miss Pearl’s baby blue dress with a wet smack, sending a spray of mustard over her and her bingo cards.

“Oh, no, you didn’t!” Miss Pearl said as she examined her splattered dress. Picking up her huge white purse by the straps, she used both hands to whip the bag around her head and slugged Ziggy right in his face. The heavy bag made a dull thump as it smacked the side of Ziggy’s head, sending him crashing to the floor like a sack full of hammers. Reaching into the purse, Miss Pearl produced a huge chrome-plated .357 Magnum handgun. She clutched the enormous pistol in both hands and stood over Ziggy, pointing the gun at the lizard-like man curled up in a fetal position.

“Pearl, stop!” cried Polly.

“Make one move, you freaky little tie-dyed gecko, and I’ll clean your ear with a lead Q-tip!” Miss Pearl commanded. “I mean it. I know how to use this shooting iron!”

“Jesus, Pearl!” Jolene cried. “Where in God’s name did you get that thing?”

“What? It’s my hand cannon,” Miss Pearl replied. “I got a concealed-carry permit last month.”

“Shoot the Medusa!” Ziggy pleaded as he rolled in agony on the floor, peering through the fingers of his hands as they covered his gaze. “Just don’t look her in the eyes!”

The bingo hall erupted in panic as the other patrons noticed the commotion, particularly the frail, mustard-stained black woman brandishing an enormous chrome pistol nearly half as long as her arm. People scampered for the exits, knocking over chairs and tables in the process. Bingo cards and daubers flew through the air in the chaotic stampede.

“Miss Pearl!” implored Little Esther. “Please, put the gun down!”

“Don’t look in her eyes!” Ziggy repeated. “She’ll turn you to stone! Just shoot the Medusa!”

“Quiet!” demanded Miss Pearl. “Quiet, all of you! You’re making me crazy!”

“Miss Pearl, please,” pleaded Kip who had slipped down the row toward the enraged little woman. “It’s going to be okay. Let me take that for you.”

“Boy, don’t you dare touch my hog leg!” Miss Pearl snapped.

“Noooo!” Big Esther cried as she sobbed into her man-sized hands.

“Shoot it!” cried Ziggy.

“Quiet!” Miss Pearl again bellowed in the midst of the screams and shrieks of terror as bingo players climbed over each other, fighting their way to the exit. “I can’t hear myself think!”

“Just shoot!” Ziggy screamed as he flopped about in his hallucinatory state. “Just shoot!”

A thunderous roar exploded through the bingo hall, the echo reverberating off the concrete walls. A thin curl of dark blue smoke swirled from the barrel of the gun Miss Pearl held above her head with both hands, pointed at the ceiling. Bits of plaster floated down from the dinner plate–sized hole in the ceiling above her, flecks of plaster and dust sticking to the mustard on her dress.

Everyone in the hall froze in place. Silence filled the room. No one moved. No one even breathed.

“B-eleven.” Old Man Handlebaum broke the silence, having failed to notice the commotion.

“Eleven. Chicken legs,” said Miss Pearl, lowering the massive pistol.

Half an hour later, a handcuffed Miss Pearl stood in proud, defiant silence as a police officer prepared to take her to the station. Ziggy lay nearby on a gurney, receiving treatment from an EMT for the wound to his head.

“Kip,” said Aunt Polly. “I’m so sorry, honey; I can’t take you to meet your little friend. I’ve got to go straight to the station and figure out how to bail out Miss Pearl.”

“Don’t worry,” replied Kip. “I understand. You go and help Miss Pearl. I’m only headed about six blocks from here. I know the way. I don’t mind walking.”

Kip gave Aunt Polly a hug and said a quick goodbye to the still shaken girls, who stood in a small circle, holding hands.

“When you get to the holding cell,” Kip said to Miss Pearl as he walked past her heading to the exit. “Find the biggest, meanest-looking woman in the room and punch her in the nose. Then they’ll know you mean business.”

Miss Pearl nodded in agreement.

“Not so bad,” Kip said to himself as he walked past the police cruiser and ambulance parked outside the bingo hall and pointed himself toward downtown. “Not nearly as boring as I thought it would be.”

• • •


Back in his room, Avery furiously typed away.






To: President and CEO

TummyTuck 9000




Dear Sir,




I’m writing to express my extreme displeasure with your latest product, the TummyTuck 9000. In a nutshell, your revolutionary, state-of-the-art, laboratory-tested, patent-pending, doctor-approved, celebrity-endorsed, portable, battery-operated, electronic abdominal stimulation exercise device sucks Himalayan yak testes. Although the product is purported to stimulate the muscles of the abdominal region over nine thousand times in a ten-minute period, after two weeks of using said torture device, I’ve seen no noticeable improvement in my physique. In particular, the conditioning and definition of my upper and lower abdominals, oblique muscles, and intercostals is significantly worse than when I began your training regimen of lies. Instead of sporting a “Sexy, Athletic Six Pack of Firm, Toned Muscle” as promised, I find myself afflicted with debilitating back spasms, excruciating abdominal swelling, and pain when I urinate. According to my team of personal physicians at the famed Mayo Clinic, emergency abdominoplasty may be required to surgically repair the damage your insidious equipment has caused me before it becomes permanently irreversible. I am currently awaiting the results of a second opinion from my team of specialists at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Additionally, according to your felonious half-hour TV commercial, once beginning your daily program, I would immediately appear more attractive, virulent, confident, secure, and energetic. None of this has materialized. Bevies of beautiful, voluptuous, tan, bikini-clad women wearing high heels do not approach me unannounced on the street and beg to caress my midriff as your miserable advertisement so clearly illustrates they would. I’m assuming this is why you only broadcast your pathetic infomercial of deceit in the early morning hours. I demand immediate quittance of the first of my “Three Easy Payments of Only $19.99.” Please be completely aware that if you fail to immediately reverse payment on my Diners Club card, or have the audacity to charge me for the two remaining payments, I will unleash my unholy legion of permanently retained attorneys to destroy you! By Zeus I swear.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton






• • •


As Avery crafted his correspondence, Maximilian jangled his way down the main staircase, stopping at the bottom to rest on his haunches and scratch one of his overly large ears with his hind leg. After some sniffing around to make sure that everything was safe and secure in the main house, he trotted into the kitchen for a quick bit of refreshment from his water dish.

Max slaked his thirst in the same manner that he approached everything in his life, with gusto. His broad, flapping tongue slapped noisily at the water, lapping more out of his bowl than into his mouth. The spilt water on the floor formed a small, growing pool. Continuing to slurp, Max circled his bowl away from the offending puddle in order to avoid stepping in it. When he had drained the bowl, he stood with rivulets of water dripping from his jowls. Max aggressively shook his head to shed the excess water. Like all of Max’s shakes, they started with his head, but ended up running all the way down his sturdy little body in a wave of jiggles, culminating with a twitch of his rump and a quiver of his tail.

Satisfied with his appearance and with his thirst abated, Max proceeded to sniff around the kitchen floor, hoping that one of the human inhabitants had mistakenly dropped something tasty for him to eat. Master was fairly tidy with his food, but the stinky one was careless, regularly leaving pieces of sugar-coated cereal or potato chips on the floor for Max to graciously vacuum away. The new guy in the house, the one that vaguely reminded Max of Master, well, the book was still out on him. Max wasn’t sure if he left snacks or not.

After determining there would be no in-between-meal nibbles today, Max plopped down under the kitchen table and nestled his stout head between his outstretched front paws. Max let out a long, despairing sigh. He was bored, and bored Frenchies are trouble waiting to happen.

He lifted his head, pricked up his ears, and intently listened for noise in the house. It was silent except for the ticking of the grandfather clock in the hallway and the rustling of the trees in the backyard as the wind gently blew the leaf-filled boughs of the towering ancient oaks. Convinced the downstairs was empty, he poked his head out of the kitchen doorway to scan the hallway, just to be sure. It might just be a good time to check the trash, the mischievous little dog thought.

Max scampered back across the kitchen toward the basement door. Inside the door was a small area where the trash and recycling were kept. Max had no interest in the recycling bin. Once he had knocked it over out of curiosity and found nothing of interest, just some glass bottles that subsequently bounced down the basement stairs, rebounded off the wall of the middle landing, and tumbled around the corner and down the last few steps, ultimately shattering on the concrete floor below. Max didn’t understand what the big deal was, but Master had barked and cursed and carried on angrily for quite a while when he discovered it. No, the trash bin was the mother lode. If you hit it at the right time, it was full of wonderful smells and delicious discarded morsels. But, like robbing a train, you never really knew what valuables were locked in the mail car, and if you got caught, it didn’t matter to the law either way. The punishment was the same, swift and fierce. It was high risk and high reward, but the hairy little bandito had a lucky feeling about today.

The latch on the wooden door guarding his prize had been broken for some time now. Master had pushed a chair from the kitchen table up against the door to secure it in place and keep Max from entering. Max never understood why Master thought this would deter him. He was strong for his size and not easily discouraged. Using his head as a battering ram, he slowly pushed the chair out of the way. He worried that the noise of the wooden chair legs scraping across the kitchen floor would arouse suspicion in the house. Max skedaddled across the kitchen back to the hallway and did a quick survey. Satisfied that the coast was still clear, he returned to the basement door and pushed and clawed at its base until it finally opened a few inches. Using his nose, he fully opened the vault to what was hopefully a monumental score of rubbish and snacks.

There it was, the white plastic trash can. Max stood on his hind legs and placed his paws on the lid. With a few inquisitive sniffs, Max instantly knew he had picked a bad day to burgle the trash train. No inviting smells of food emanated from the bin this time, but he’d come this far. Better check it out just to be sure.

Balancing on his rear legs, he pulled with his front paws and dragged the trash can over on its side. It landed with a thump that popped the plastic lid off the container, spilling its contents halfway out onto the floor. Max sifted through the debris with his face, sniffing in vain for something to eat. He found nothing of real interest, just some old mail, discarded flyers, and a few wads of used paper towels. Then Max noticed something in the back of the trash can. It was long and thin, about a foot wide with a buckle on one end. It seemed to be made of some kind of plastic. Is it a toy? Wedging his body deep into the container, he used his teeth to grab purchase on the mysterious contraption and pulled it out. Backing up with the item secured firmly in his mouth, he pulled it into the kitchen, intent on getting a better look at his plunder. Max took a step back, cocked his head to the side, and examined his find.

It might be a toy, Max proudly concluded, as he proceeded to chew on it. Finding it difficult to get any real bite on the thing, Max stood on the middle of it, using his weight to hold it in place, while he gnawed at the end. Suddenly, Max felt one of his rear paws step on something. Immediately the device began to shake and hum. A wild vibrating sensation tingled all four of his paws. Startled, Max hopped off the apparatus and stared at it inquisitively. Taking a tentative step forward, he placed a paw on it, and then pulled it back. It’s strange but tingly, Max thought. He stepped slowly onto the humming doohickey with all four paws and gently lowered himself down to his belly. With both front and back legs splayed, Max sighed in pleasure as the vibrations stimulated his sensitive undercarriage. It was shear bliss as waves of pulsations danced through his body. The enchanted sensations filled him with a warm, relaxing calm as he lowered his head and closed his eyes. So enraptured by his heavenly massage, Max failed to notice Bennett entering the kitchen with an empty water glass.

Bennett noticed Max splayed out on top of Avery’s discarded TummyTuck 9000 as he refilled his water glass and turned to head back out. As he reached the door, Bennett paused and turned again to look at the pleasantly groaning, quivering white blob of Jell-O lounging in transcendent titillation on the buzzing abdominal toning machine.

“Pervert,” Bennett grumbled as he walked out through the door.




CHAPTER FOUR

The Padre’s Border







To: Chairperson and CEO

PepsiCo, Incorporated




Dear Sir:




I am writing you today in regards to the appalling lack of Pepsi products, most specifically Mountain Dew, in many of the dining establishments and taco vendors, Consuela’s Tacos in particular, in the greater Austin, Texas, area. I don’t mean to patronize you, but we both know that Mountain Dew is the foundation that any great culinary experience is built upon. My work requires that I occasionally be pulled from my office to conduct research and gather evidence. During these instances, I have increasingly found locating your flagship product, Mountain Dew, to be challenging. The lack of availability of your sweet, tangy, sugar and caffeine-packed, carbonated elixir of the gods profoundly affects my work and, I’m sure, the work of many others. Given the importance of my work and how it impacts the safety of the United States, a country where many of your clients and shareholders reside, I beseech you to investigate this outrage. Again, not to patronize, but we both know of the nutritional and energizing properties of Mountain Dew. If James Bowie and William Travis’ men would have had the good fortune of appropriate stores of Mountain Dew, the Alamo would not have fallen and the name Santa Anna would not grace the pages of history as a temporary victor. Please do not misinterpret this correspondence as a threat. I cherish the day in 1958 when Bill Bridgeforth modified the Hartman brother’s original formula and launched the most significant beverage invention in world history. The fact that he was not awarded the Nobel Prize for his work only further illustrates what a corrupt and political popularity contest the award has become. If Alfred knew the truth about the sham of what the selection process has become, he’d roll in his grave. Seriously? Yasser Arafat and Al Gore get in, but no Bridgeforth or Hartman brothers? I humbly request that you employ your significant clout and powerful lobbyists to require that all Austin, Texas, restaurants and food vendors serve Mountain Dew in their establishments, original version only. Mountain Dew Code Red tastes like Sasquatch piss, and don’t get me started on Diet. The human brain runs on carbohydrates, and sugar is one of the most efficient substances for refueling it. Additionally, sugar is exceptional at replenishing the human body’s glycogen stores for those with ultra-athletic lifestyles like mine. I look forward to your swift action in this matter. As your organization is a publicly traded company, it will no doubt be a significant driver of future shareholder value.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton






• • •


Some five hundred miles west of Austin, the entire brigade of militia had gathered in the physical training and hand-to-hand combat gymnasium of STRAC-BOM’s headquarters. General X-Ray paced down the row of men, each of whom had meticulously arranged his gear and weapons in front of his. In addition to his desert combat fatigues, the General wore a vintage World War II tanker helmet with matching goggles propped on top. He slowly walked down the line, examining the eclectic collection of spare fatigues, dehydrated food, plastic gallon jugs of water, tents, and sleeping bags.

“Private Foxtrot!” the General bellowed. “Where is your duct tape?”

“Right here, sir,” the private replied, pulling the tape from his rucksack. “Forgot to take it out. Sorry, sir.”

“Don’t let it happen again, private,” the General scolded. “Each man is required to carry the appropriate equipment for immobilizing prisoners at all times.”

Continuing down the row, the General surveyed his troops’ weapons. They were an odd mix of old shotguns and deer rifles. The General, however, sported a pair of silver pistols with ivory grips holstered at his waist.

“Fire Team Leader Bravo!” the General barked. “How many rounds of ammunition for your weapon?”

“Seventeen rounds for my scatter gun, sir,” Fire Team Leader Bravo responded. “But ten of them got wet when them Mexican Federales tossed me off the bridge.”

“Well, mind you use the dry ones first.”

“Aye-aye, sir.”

Resuming his review, the General noticed a Louisville Slugger with a taped handle resting in front of Fire Team Leader Charlie. He bent over at the waist to closely examine the baseball bat, and then slowly turned his gaze up to its owner.

“I know what you’re thinking, general,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said sheepishly. “But my brother-in-law took my deer rifle for a hunting trip in New Mexico this weekend. This was the best I could do.”

“See here, Fire Team Leader,” the General said. “I will not have you endangering our mission because you surrendered your weapon to a civilian. Fire Team Leader Alpha! What additional weapons do we have in the armory?”

“Sir, I believe we have a pellet gun remaining,” Fire Team Leader Alpha responded. “Maybe a wrist rocket, too.”

“Good man,” the General replied. “Fire Team Leader Charlie, retrieve both weapons from the armory, but make sure you sign them out first.”

“Yes, sir.”

Reaching the last man in the row, the General noticed something odd.

“Private Zulu!” the General shouted as he pointed to the offending object with his riding crop. “What in the hell is that thing?”

“A handheld video game, sir,” the private responded. “I just got the new Zombie Slaughter 5.0 yesterday.”

“There are absolutely no video games allowed in night operations!” the General bellowed.

“If it helps, I can play it with my headphones on,” the private responded timidly.

“Out of the question!” the General roared. “The enemy could spot the illumination of the screen from miles away. You’ll jeopardize the safety of every man on the mission. Hand it over immediately.”

The despondent private offered the game up.

“Headphones, too.”

“Here, sir.”

“You’ll receive this back after Operation Land Shark concludes,” the General said as he put the game in one of the cargo pockets of his fatigue trousers. “Now, men,” the General moved back in front of the entire group, stopping to pick up a manila folder from the table behind him on the way, “you all know the dangers of night operations along the border, and given the unfortunate conclusion to Operation Water Lion, I’ve taken the liberty of having some simple liability waivers and hold harmless agreements drafted for you to sign.”

“What do we need them for, general?” asked Private Tango.

“Really more for me than you, private,” the General responded as he handed the stack to the first man in line. “A simple formality. Take one and pass them down.”

The men grumbled as they reviewed the four-page document.

“Shouldn’t we have a lawyer look at these?” asked Fire Team Leader Alpha.

“The attorney that drafted them for me already looked at them,” the General answered. “He said they looked fine. Now, men, repack your gear, gather your weapons, and meet me in the motor pool with your signed releases so we can commence with ATV training.”

A few minutes later, the men of STRAC-BOM reassembled in the motor pool. Actually, it wasn’t as much a motor pool as it was a gravel parking lot outside their cinder-block headquarters. Parked beside the team’s collection of rusted and battered trucks and sedans sat three blaze-orange four-wheeled ATVs and a black and white zebra-striped dirt bike.

“Fire Team Leader Alpha!” General X-Ray bellowed. “What is the major malfunction with these vehicles?”

“Sir! What do you mean, sir?” Fire Team Leader Alpha asked.

“First of all,” the General said as he slapped the dirt bike with his riding crop. “This is not an ATV, son! You were specifically instructed to requisition four ATVs!”

“Sorry, general,” he responded sheepishly. “We sold the other one yesterday. All I could get as a replacement was the dirt bike.”

“No other options?”

“Not that my boss would approve. But don’t worry, that bike has the biggest engine we sell. It’s a heck of a lot faster than the ATVs.”

“Well, it’ll have to do,” the General said dejectedly. “Now, what about these paint schemes? They’re damn near fluorescent! Hardly suitable for covert operations. What happened to the desert camouflage I requested?”

“Well, my boss said that since we were renting and not buying, we couldn’t special order.”

“Nonsense! Private Zulu, find some black shoe polish and at least break up the outline of these vehicles in a similar fashion to the motor bike. That one’s at least marginally passable for concealment.”

“Yes sir!” Private Zulu shouted as he turned and ran back into the building, promptly tripping and falling directly on his face. General X-Ray shook his head in frustration as the private regained his feet and sprinted into the headquarters, leaving the door open behind him in his haste.

“Close the door behind you, private!” the General shouted. “You’ll let out all my refrigerated air!”

“Yes, sir,” the private replied, sticking his head out of the doorway before slamming it shut behind him.

“That boy is so dumb he couldn’t play dead in a cowboy movie,” the General said, rubbing his forehead. “Listen up, men,” he commanded. “Fire Team Leader Alpha will now illustrate the all-important features of these vehicles.”

“Turn on here,” the Fire Team Leader began, pointing to a switch on one of the ATVs. “And turn off here. Twist the throttle here for speed and pull the brake lever to stop. Remember, lean into your turns, and keep your attention focused down the trail, not right in front of you. Oh, and the headlights are right here.”

“No headlights!” the General barked. “Do you even understand what a covert night operation is?”

“Sir, the terrain out there is pretty tricky in the day, much less in the dark.”

“I don’t care if it’s dark as the belly of a whale, Fire Team Leader. No headlights. Do you men get me?”

“We get you, sir,” the men replied in unenthusiastic unison.

“Okay, Fire Teams. Mount your vehicles and follow Fire Team Leader Alpha’s ATV across that there gully, around that large boulder way over there,” the General said, pointing to a large rock approximately two hundred yards away and barely visible in the dusky twilight. “Then return your vehicles here. You have one hundred and twenty seconds. Privates in front and Fire Team Leaders ride shotgun.”

“Sir,” said Fire Team Leader Alpha. “Shouldn’t I at least drive one of the ATVs? I’ve got the most experience.”

“Nonsense!” the General responded. “Senior Officers need to have unencumbered vision of the battlefield in order to deliver precise tactical orders to their Fire Teams.”

“Okay, sir, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“Never question my orders in front of the men, Fire Team Leader!”

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”

“Wait for me!” cried Private Zulu as he raced back to the gathered men, holding a container of shoe polish with a foam applicator. “Sir, should I stripe these battle rides up now, sir?”

“No,” the General replied. “Join your Fire Team Leader for the exercise. You can camouflage the vehicles when we’ve completed training.”

Private Zulu mounted his ATV and grabbed onto the handlebars while Fire Team Leader Charlie grasped him firmly around the waist.

“T-minus three…” The General began counting down, pointing his riding crop directly up into the air with one hand while looking intently at the stopwatch in his other, “two…one…ignition!”

Two of the ATVs roared to life and noisily sped off toward the gully, while Private Zulu searched in vain for his kick-start pedal, repeatedly jacking his foot up and down, trying to find purchase on a pedal that wasn’t there.

“What in the Sam Hill are you doing, private?” the General inquired.

“Trying to fire it up, sir?”

“Fire Team Leader. Point out the ignition switch to the private. The clock is running.”

“It’s right there, private,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said as he leaned forward to point out the starter.

“Gotcha,” the private said as the ATV roared to life. “Geronimo!” He screamed as he hammered back the throttle, dumping Fire Team Leader Charlie, who hadn’t fully regained his seat, directly off the back of the ATV. Private Zulu tore off after the other two vehicles that were rapidly approaching the gully, oblivious to his fallen comrade.

“Dammit!” the General swore. “Never leave a man behind!” Fire Team Leader Charlie dusted himself off and chased after Private Zulu. “Morons!” the General said in disgust as he checked his stopwatch.

Fire Team Alpha and Bravo’s ATVs jockeyed for position as they noisily bounced over the rough terrain, swiftly approaching the rugged six-foot-deep gully with sloped walls. They reached the lip of the gully neck and neck as both teams flew down the embankment. Upon reaching the bottom of the gully, both privates poured on the gas and launched their machines up the far side. Like a pair of synchronized swimmers, they both shot off the top lip of the gully and directly up into the air with the noses of their ATVs pointing straight at the sky. Simultaneously, the pull of gravity slowed their vehicles’ ascent. With balloon-like quad tires spinning and engines still revved to the max, both teetered over backward and crashed back to the bottom of the gully, spilling the men in all directions and kicking up an enormous cloud of dust.

“I think I broke my giblets,” Private Tango cried as he climbed to his feet, holding his throat with both hands.

“Damage assessment, Private Foxtrot,” said Fire Team Leader Alpha as he dusted himself off and examined the upside-down ATVs his soon-to-be former employer had rented them.

“I’m okay,” the private replied. “Just got some dirt in my teeth and skinned my knees up a fair bit.”

“Jesus Christ!” exclaimed Fire Team Leader Bravo. “I think we pulled a half gainer.”

“No,” moaned Private Tango, now clutching his stomach with both hands. “I think I pulled my whole gainer.”

“What the hell happened?” asked Private Zulu as he pulled his ATV up to the lip of the gully. “You guys doing some kind of moon shot?”

“Where’s your Team Leader, private?” Fire Team Leader Alpha inquired.

“My who?” Private Zulu turned to look behind him. “Hey, where’d he go?”

It took the men a good ten minutes to get the ATVs righted and safely up the far side of the gully. In the meantime, an out-of-breath Fire Team Leader Charlie had rejoined the group.

“Okay, boys,” said Fire Team Leader Alpha. “I’m driving now. Stay close and follow me. You can’t hardly see your hand in front of your face it’s so damn dark.”

Another fifteen minutes later, the men had rounded the boulder and dejectedly returned bruised, battered, and dusty to the motor pool. Parking their ATVs, the men literally fell off their machines. The General was sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed and still holding his stopwatch as he shook his head in disappointment. Surveying his motley and defeated brigade, the General clicked off his stopwatch, clinched his eyes shut, and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand.

“I don’t even want to know,” he muttered.

• • •


El Barquero pulled his car off the dirt road and up to the metal gate that guarded the road to the farm. The four men who stood beside the gate drinking cerveza and smoking cigarettes around a small gas lamp eyed him with suspicion. One of the guards picked up his assault rifle and cautiously approached the car as the other three slowly moved around the car to block its movement forward or back. One of the men circling the car produced a field radio and spoke into it. El Barquero rolled down the driver’s-side window and looked at the armed man who approached. As he neared the window, another guard used a long, black metal flashlight to illuminate El Barquero’s face. El Barquero didn’t flinch in spite of the blinding light; instead, he stared directly into the eyes of the approaching silhouette of the man with the gun. Coming closer, the guard turned and nodded to his partner to shut off the light as he recognized the powerfully built man behind the wheel.

“They’re in the barn,” he said as he pointed down the road. “The Padre has been waiting for you. Let him through.”

Two of the men pulled the metal gate aside to allow the car to pass. El Barquero pulled his car onto the dark, rutted gravel road that would take him the last few miles to his destination. He had been in the car for more than six hours, including the time waiting to cross the border. He was now about twenty miles outside of Piedras Negras in the Mexican State of Coahuila, across the border from Eagle Pass, Texas. It was near the western edge of his cartel’s territory along the Texas border. He had driven straight through from Houston, where he had finalized the details of his latest gun delivery for the cartel. This was the largest shipment he had ever made. It was a plan he had been grooming and cultivating for nearly six months.

Normally, he sourced firearms in relatively small quantities. For years, the easiest way had been to employ dummy buyers to purchase weapons legally from gun shops, firearms shows, hunting and fishing retailers, sporting goods stores, pawn shops, private dealers, and even chains of mega-warehouse stores. The lax background checks employed by these legitimate dealers made accumulating pistols, rifles, shotguns, and even semi-automatic assault-style weapons that could be converted to fire in full automatic mode relatively easy. The weapons purchased were perfectly legal except that the dummy buyers would then pass the weapons on to El Barquero, who would mark up their price and move them across the border. His buyers were paid for their work, sometimes in cash, sometimes in drugs…and sometimes when they had outlived their usefulness, they paid him with their lives. The problem with this method was that it was time-consuming. The National Rifle Association and its numerous influential Washington lobbyists had made civilian purchases of powerful assault weapons relatively uncomplicated for someone with a clean record. Law-abiding citizens needed assault rifles for hunting and to protect their homes, and the Second Amendment protected that right, they argued. However, you still couldn’t send a dummy buyer into a sporting goods store to buy one hundred Colt AR-15s without drawing suspicion. It took time to accumulate a significant amount of merchandise to transport.

Over time, even using dummy buyers became more difficult. Increased pressure to stem the tide of guns illegally finding their way onto the streets caused U.S. authorities to increase the level of scrutiny regarding federal background checks and the amount of time it took to purchase guns. They also increased prosecution of unscrupulous gun dealers who skirted these requirements.

El Barquero had turned to other methods, including hiring partners to specialize in following and casing police vehicles, particularly unmarked ones. Numerous assault rifles were stolen from the trunks of unattended law enforcement vehicles parked in driveways while the officers were off duty. Even parked police cruisers on the street were targeted.

He also used some of his shadier contacts at gun stores to put him in contact with locals who were large gun collectors. He used the guise that he was interested in buying or selling rare and valuable firearms. Sometimes he was able to personally meet the collectors at local gun shows as well. After learning their identities, he would stake out their homes and break in during the night. He was good with alarms, and after subduing the homeowners in one way or another; he would pilfer their stores of weapons. The locks and hinges on their gun cases proved little challenge for the small amounts of shaped charges of high explosives he employed if the owner wouldn’t cooperate.

He had learned his trade as a senior officer of the Mexican army’s elite Special Forces Airmobile Group. He had been trained by some of the world’s best counterterrorism and counterinsurgency operatives. Over the years, the Padre had approached him numerous times, attempting to persuade him to leave the military and come work for the cartel. Despite the Padre’s repeated promises of wealth and power, El Barquero had always refused. Few people declined the Padre’s requests and lived. He was the exception. It wasn’t until his pregnant wife and unborn son were killed in a violent carjacking that he finally gave in. His world was empty. He had nothing left to live for.

But even invading homes was hit or miss, as antique guns were of little use to him. Occasionally, however, the robberies paid huge dividends. The number of private collectors who hoarded assault rifles, machine guns, and even large-caliber sniper rifles was amazing, particularly in Texas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana. He handled these jobs himself, as the risk of being caught was high if the alarm wasn’t handled properly, and hired agents couldn’t always be trusted to permanently silence a gun owner who would rather have his guns pried from his cold, dead hands than turn them over without incident.

Breaking into the homes of gun collectors led to breaking into gun stores, which had proven successful as well. He avoided stores in major metropolitan areas, tending to focus on small towns and cities where he felt his crime was easier to commit.

He even considered stealing guns from small-town police departments or out-of-the-way military facilities, but ultimately the plans proved to be too complicated for him to facilitate on his own. For a job like that, he needed someone on the inside. That was how he found Sanders.

Sanders had been a good man most of his life, until his wife left him for another man. She even took their two children with her. Over time, his drinking had progressed to the point where he was clearly going to lose his job. It was just a matter of time. Somewhere along the way, at his lowest point, he fell victim to the intoxicating grip of heroin. El Barquero had met him earlier that year in a small tavern in New Orleans a few blocks off Bourbon Street in the French Quarter. Sitting at a table in the back of the dimly lit and empty bar, he bought Sanders a few rounds while he listened to the man’s woeful tale of losing his wife, his kids, his money, and now he faced the ever-growing prospect of his Louisiana National Guard unit being deployed to the Middle East by the end of the year. Noticing the track marks on his arm, it didn’t take long for El Barquero to ask him if he wanted to follow him back to his motel room, where he could help the sweating and shaking man get well. Sanders reluctantly agreed but began to have second thoughts as they drove toward the city limits. As Sanders entered the dark room on the second floor of the dingy motel, he worried that he had made his last mistake. Unfortunately for him, it was only the first mistake in his relationship with El Barquero. The enormous Mexican gave him some money and enough junk to keep him high. For the better part of the next twelve days, Sanders rarely removed the chain on the door except to let his new benefactor in to hand him some food or more of the heroin that numbed his body and washed away the pain in his head and in his heart.

El Barquero had paid the motel owner to not allow anyone in the room, maids or otherwise. After the twelfth day, which seemed more like twelve months to Sanders, El Barquero helped clean him up and took him back to Sanders’ small apartment. El Barquero explained that the rent had been paid and someone would come by to deliver the drugs on a regular basis. He was instructed to go back to his life and continue to serve in the National Guard. Sanders knew the big Mexican would want something someday; he just didn’t know what.

About four months later, that day finally came. Sanders met El Barquero in the same small tavern where he first made his acquaintance. El Barquero explained that he knew the deployment date for his unit was approaching and that while Sanders could hide his addiction from them while he was stateside, once he was shipped overseas he would be on his own. Sanders said he planned on disappearing before the deployment, but he’d need enough money and drugs to stay gone forever. El Barquero assured him this could be arranged through his employers and that a drug-induced, semi-conscious, leisurely early retirement in a small Mexican village on the Gulf Coast with sandy beaches, warm sea breezes, and pretty senoritas was easy enough to provide. Days lost in a comforting dreamlike state while swinging in a beachside hammock sounded to Sanders like the perfect way to drift through the rest of his life. The only catch was what he would have to do.

As preparations for his National Guard unit’s departure stepped up in pace, the arms, equipment, and munitions stores at their base were being rapidly expanded. Sanders had information on the inventory of equipment and access to the armory. The weapons cache didn’t just include assault rifles and ammunition; it was stocked with machine guns, grenades and grenade launchers, mortars, landmines, anti-tank weapons, night vision equipment, and military-grade body armor. It was all the sort of things that El Barquero’s employers desired for their battles with government authorities and rival cartels. This wouldn’t be just another shipment of pistols and shotguns to resupply their soldiers; this would be the shipment that would allow the cartel to expand its smuggling territory.

Sanders agreed with the plan, which delighted El Barquero, because Sanders didn’t really have a choice. El Barquero had already worked out the logistics for getting the merchandise into Mexico and informed his employers of his intentions. He didn’t want to have to kill Sanders for nothing.

When the time came to execute the plan, Sanders had prepared the falsified requisition documents and delivery orders for the munitions and acquired a large military truck for transportation. He had even coordinated a detachment of Guardsmen to assist in loading the vehicle.

After leaving the base with the shipment and nervously driving for several hours while imaging a roadblock of police at every bend in the road, he rendezvoused with El Barquero at an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the Louisiana swampland. Large portable canister lights illuminated the inside of the warehouse, while the two men used a small forklift to transfer the heavy wooden crates to the tractor-trailer El Barquero had supplied. Even with the lift, it took the men several hours to transfer all the weapons and supplies. The sun was just beginning to come up over the horizon, and Sanders was a sweating, nervous wreck. He knew that sooner rather than later, someone would notice the missing inventory and question his paperwork. And what if someone had spotted his truck barreling down the two-lane roads of the rural Louisiana backcountry? He knew he was in over his head, but there was no turning back. El Barquero had detailed the plan to him precisely up to this point, but nothing else. Where was the money? How would he get to Mexico? Most importantly, where was his fix? He desperately needed a fix. He had to be perfectly sober as he procured the weapons and truck from the armory, but that was hours ago. Now he was sick and he needed to shoot up.

El Barquero approached him after the portable lights were taken down and the truck was ready to depart. In the dark, cavernous room, the tall Mexican had lit a cigarette lighter to provide illumination for Sanders to shoot up the heroin-filled syringe he handed to him. Sanders’ shaking hands struggled to find a vein. Eventually he found one and slowly pushed the plunger down, feeling the warmth spread through his body as he slumped to the ground. The menacing man standing over him said nothing. He just stared into Sander’s eyes, into his soul. Sanders felt strange. He knew something was wrong. What he didn’t know was that the syringe contained a “hot load.” It wasn’t just heroin. He was struggling to breathe. He couldn’t breathe. He was choking. The last thing Sanders ever saw were the eyes of the “Ferryman.” Those black eyes, those evil eyes that glimmered with fire from the flickering glow of the dancing lighter flame.

Once he knew Sanders was dead, El Barquero left the body and drove the tractor-trailer across the state line into Texas. He arrived at the Port of Houston around midday. He met with the contacts his employers had promised would be waiting for him. In short order, the shipment was sealed inside a cargo-shipping container and loaded aboard a vessel bound for Puerto Barrios, Guatemala, on the Gulf of Honduras. Very few cargo containers coming into U.S. ports were checked, and almost none of the outgoing ones. A shipment of weapons this large was easier to smuggle in through the southern border of Mexico than across the northern one. El Barquero’s employers were making the rest of the arrangements to move the shipment north across Mexico to its ultimate destination in the Mexican state of Tamaulipas. His contacts took the large truck to dispose of, and he was given the keys to a car and told to meet his boss outside Piedras Negras at the farm. He knew what they meant. He’d made the trip before.

El Barquero pulled his car up to the massive yellow farmhouse surrounded by a large white wooden fence. He noticed dozens of late-model trucks and sedans parked outside the large red barn to the back and left of the house. Farther back, about fifty yards from the barn, a long row of black wooden barracks lined the back fence. Armed sentries were scattered across the compound, which was illuminated by powerful lights mounted on tall poles. As he parked his car, two guards approached with weapons poised to confirm his identity. They immediately recognized the tall gun smuggler through his open window.

“The Padre is in the barn,” one of the sentries said. “He’s been waiting to see you.”

“Why all the cars?” El Barquero inquired.

“They’re fighting the roosters tonight,” the other sentry replied.

El Barquero made his way quickly across the open compound and approached the barn door. Sounds of men shouting and swearing came from inside the building. As he entered the barn, another armed guard lowered an AK-47 in front of his path.

“Wait here,” he said. “Miguel!” he shouted at the young boy sitting on a crate next to the door. “Let the Padre know he’s here.”

Young Miguel jumped from his perch and scampered up the raised rows of seating crowded with boisterous men who surrounded the cockfighting pit, which was twenty feet in diameter. A four-foot-tall wooden fence, one side painted red, the other painted green, surrounded the pit that had been built to contain the combatants and their handlers. Miguel reached the top row of seating and ran down the aisle to the side of a balding man of medium build with a large bushy black mustache. The man wore a black suit, immaculately polished black cowboy boots, and a priest’s Roman collar. He was sitting alone. He seemed to barely notice the boy who was whispering in his ear, his attention focused on the ring below. But slowly the man in black turned and looked in El Barquero’s direction. He raised his hand and motioned toward himself. The guard lowered the weapon that blocked El Barquero’s path and nodded his approval to pass. El Barquero followed the same path the boy had taken. As he passed the boy, who was on his way back down, the boy stopped and stared intently as the large man wearing black jeans and a black T-shirt straining at the seams to contain his muscular torso strode past him. The seated man motioned for El Barquero to sit beside him.

“I’ve been told you did very well, El Barquero,” the man said as he pulled a thin sterling silver case from the inside pocket of his expensive-looking suit coat. “Very well indeed,” he continued, offering one of the thin cigars to El Barquero.

“No, gracias,” El Barquero said as he sat down next to the man. “It’s good to see you, Padre.”

“Good to see you as well, my clever friend,” the Padre replied as he returned one of the thin cigars to his case.

“Allow me, Padre,” El Barquero said as he pulled a silver Zippo lighter from his pocket and sparked the wheel.

“Gracias,” the Padre replied as he leaned toward the flame and puffed several times to light the cigar. Pulling away from the flame, he held the cigar’s glowing end toward his face to ensure it was properly lit. “My people at the port said that you delivered everything precisely as planned.”

“Yes, Padre, everything went smoothly.”

“And your compatriot? The Guardsman?”

“He’s taken care of.”

“Good,” said the Padre as he took a long drag from the cigar. “Then I won’t need to arrange a hacienda in La Pesca for him after all. Even if his retirement would have been a short one.” The Padre placed his hand on El Barquero’s shoulder. “This was an important delivery, my friend. It will change the way we do business,” he said as he smiled and pounded El Barquero twice on his back. “Men,” he pointed around the crowded barn, “men I can get. They come to me. We used to advertise with billboards and videos, but not anymore. They know who we are. They come to me because I pay better than the army. I pay better than the police. Hell, I even give them health insurance. I give them life insurance. The best thing that can happen to some of their families financially is for them to die working for me,” he laughed. “Men, they come to me for work because I can protect them and give them money. Give them better lives. But guns, they’re the key. Men without guns are nothing but expensive bodies to feed and shelter. The weapons you have acquired will allow us to attack entire police stations if we want, mine roads into areas we control, and expand our territories even further to the west and south. No more shooting government officials and rivals with pistols in the middle of the night. Now we can attack like an army. You have made me very proud, and you will be well compensated for your work.”

“Thank you, Padre.”

“Do you like the roosters?” the Padre asked as he motioned down toward the ring.

“When I was a boy, I used to watch them in the village I grew up in, at the fairs to celebrate the patron saints, but I always preferred the bullfights.”

“The Corrida, of course you did. Look at you! You are the Toro!” the Padre replied as he laughed heartily and pounded El Barquero on the back again. “I prefer the roosters. The bull stands no chance. Only the matador carries the blade. His fate is sealed before he enters the ring. He’s nothing more than a magnificent warrior with his hands tied behind his back asked to put on a brave performance for the crowd in his death. But the roosters, the roosters are different, my friend. Each stands a chance. Each can determine its own fate. They may choose to die, but they can also choose to live. Look at this here,” the Padre said, pointing to a handler entering the pit with a black bird with white neck feathers. “See how the feathers around his neck flare out in anger. He has the spirit. He will not simply stamp and snort and vainly charge the matador while waiting for the inevitability of the blade.”

“He’s much smaller than his opponent,” said El Barquero, noticing the large black rooster with red neck feathers now being carried into the pit by another handler.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, my friend, but the size of the fighter means nothing. Why are men afraid of you? Because they think you look dangerous? No. Men are terrified of you because you are dangerous. They know because of the strength of your will, you fear nothing. That makes you dangerous, and that’s what men fear. Sandro!” the Padre yelled to a tall, shirtless man, his chest and arms covered in tattoos, walking the perimeter of the pit. Sandro’s hands were full of money, and he was taking bets from the crowd on the upcoming fight. “What odds on Raul’s rooster?”

“Eight to one to win,” yelled Sandro over the din as the rowdy gamblers waved stacks of bills to get his attention. “Three to one if he makes it past thirty seconds.”

“Five thousand to win,” yelled the Padre.

“Sí, Padre!” Sandro replied as he turned to take another bet.

“Now you watch, my friend,” the Padre said to El Barquero as he leaned back on the railing behind the last row of bleachers and inhaled on his cigar. “Now I’ll show you why having no fear is more important than size,” he continued as he exhaled a nearly perfect ring of smoke.

The handlers held their roosters with both hands and repeatedly shoved the birds toward each other to agitate them. Sandro finished taking the last of the bets and hopped out of the ring and into the bleachers. Several more times the handlers taunted the other’s rooster with their own. Finally, on a count of three from Sandro, they released them.

The cockfight was a blur of motion and noise and feathers as the two black roosters leapt and attacked one another. Even with the different sizes of the birds and the uniquely colored neck feathers, it was difficult to tell them apart as they spun and jumped. Again and again the roosters flew at each other, their legs, with sharp metal gaffs attached, kicking at their opponent in fury. The crowd of raucous men had clearly bet the favorite. They lustfully cheered on the larger rooster. El Barquero looked over at the Padre, who smoked his cigar with a knowing smile on his face.

“Just wait,” said the Padre. “The little white-necked rooster has no fear.”

After less than a minute, it was over. The losing handler had tried to revive the larger rooster several times. He even put his mouth over the bird’s beak and sucked the blood from its throat in an attempt to get the bird back on its feet. Raul held the smaller rooster with the white neck feathers high into the air. Its white neck plumage was splattered with blood. Only a few men in the crowd stood and cheered the unexpected winner; most grumbled as they passed around shared bottles of tequila to drown their temporary sorrows. The handlers took their roosters from the pit as another pair climbed in with a fresh match-up of competitors. Sandro jumped into the pit and paid the few winners and assuaged the many losers by promising he would give them special odds on the next match.

“And that, my friend,” said the Padre as he ground out his cigar on the bleacher in front of him, “is why I prefer the roosters to the bulls. You’ve had a long night and a long day. I want you to stay here tonight as my guest. I’ll have a room prepared for you in the farmhouse. I have business in Nuevo Laredo tomorrow. I’ll be leaving in the morning. You can leave then.”

“Thank you, Padre.”

“Come with me,” the Padre said as he rose to his feet. “I’ve grown tired of this game. Walk with me to the house.”

The two men descended the bleachers and headed toward the barn door while the yelling and shouting of the gamblers surrounding the pit reached a fever pitch as the next bout prepared to begin. As they approached the door, young Miguel again gazed in awe at El Barquero as he past.

“I was wondering,” the Padre began as they crossed the compound toward the farmhouse. “Have you heard anything about bandits robbing cartel mules across the border around Juarez?”

“No, Padre.”

“It seems several cartels have been losing shipments after they cross the border in that area. They’re both very upset.”

“I can imagine.”

“Some of their leaders seem to think we could be involved. I’d hate to think someone in my employment would operate behind my back.”

“No one would be that crazy, Padre.”

“No, not crazy. It would take someone with no fear. Hey!” the Padre said, laughing. “Maybe it’s that white-necked rooster of Raul’s!” The Padre roared in laughter as he pounded El Barquero on the back again. “That stupid double-crossing bird! I’ll have his head!” He laughed until they reached the porch of the farmhouse before calming down. “Seriously, though, Barquero,” the Padre said as he turned to look the big man in his eyes. “If you hear of anything, you let me know. Nothing a thief despises more than another thief. We have enough problems without the other cartels coming after us because they lost a few bundles of product in the desert.”

“Sí, Padre.”




CHAPTER FIVE

Spherical Bastards







To: International Board of Directors

Mensa International Limited




Dear Losers:




Upon hearing that I have been denied acceptance into your pathetic little club, I’m writing to inform you that none of you are smarter than me. I aced the test. There is absolutely, positively, no conceivably possible way I didn’t smoke that ridiculous quiz. According to Occam’s razor, which I’m sure you’re not familiar with, look it up, my test scores must have been manipulated, most likely by jealous Mensa members who don’t want me to make them look bad at your Annual Gathering. Positing a preposterous assumption like I couldn’t achieve a qualifying score is ridiculous in that it adds no explanatory power to your argument. Replacing it for the simple truth that your resentful gatekeepers cheated me clearly violates the law of parsimony. You’re nothing but little spherical bastards. Spherical because when viewed from any angle, you’re still bastards! In response to your vindictive decision, I have decided to create my own organization. It’s an organization exclusively for the “Uber-Intelligent,” a phrase I plan to copyright for my club’s jackets, although I’m also considering “Ninja-Uber-Intelligent,” so don’t try to steal that one, either. My organization for the super smart will be known as STEAM. It stands for “Smarter than Everyone at Mensa.” That makes it an acronym, in case you were wondering about the coincidence of how the first letter of each word in “Smarter than Everyone at Mensa” spells STEAM. Since your petty little club allows admission to any riffraff who can score in the top two percent of the population in intelligence, my standards will be much more restrictive. Acceptance for STEAM will require intelligence in the top two percent of the top two percent. Ninety-eight percent of your members won’t be eligible to join STEAM. Please send me the contact information for the most intelligent two percent of your envious clique; I’m sure they’ll be ecstatic to hang out with colleagues who’re actually brilliant. Of course, they’ll have to pass the entrance examination first. Acceptance into STEAM will consist of a two-hour oral assessment of overall intelligence. Assessments will be held in my office in Austin, Texas, on the first day of every third month, beginning in February. Assessments will not begin until after three o’clock in the afternoon. Smart people are too smart to get up early if they don’t have to. Candidates are required to bring two forms of picture identification and four two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew with them to the assessment, no Diet and no Code Red. If the candidate sitting for the exam can convince me of their intelligence in the allotted time, they will be granted admission and receive their club jacket once their annual dues of one thousand U.S. dollars have been paid. STEAM’s annual conference will be held in Rio de Janeiro. Jealous? Of course you are. I fully expect STEAM to be contracted by think tanks, governments, universities, and powerful and wealthy Washington lobbyists to develop whitepapers and research documents for topics of critical concern. Sorry, losers, my club is cooler.

    

You suck,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton



    

President and Founder, STEAM International Limited






• • •


Kip laughed to himself as he thought about the old days with Jackie as his long stride carried him away from the bingo parlor and through the streets of downtown Austin to meet her. Kip had known Jackie since kindergarten. By the time they were in high school, everyone thought the two were dating, including their parents, but they were just great friends.

The two enjoyed going to movies, usually obscure, subtitled foreign films in rickety, old, out-of-the-way theaters, the kind that still had velvet curtains lining the walls and a separate upstairs balcony. The two would sit in the back of the upper balcony, away from the other patrons, and take turns making up their own ridiculous dialogue for the foreign actors.

“My succulent lotus flower,” Kip said in a silly Japanese voice while they watched the black and white Kurosawa film on the screen. “You must take my sack of eels and protect them from the ninjas while I travel to Kyoto to cash this winning scratch-off lottery ticket.”

“No, my powerful love gorilla,” Jackie replied in an equally awful Asian accent, as the female character projected on the screen knelt at the feet of the stoic samurai. “Without your eels, how will you protect yourself from the Emperor’s flaming pigs?” she said while they both tried in vain to keep from giggling loud enough to draw attention from the usher. They had been kicked out of another theater the previous week for using cartoon character voices to create dialogue for the 1920s silent film Metropolis. Jackie’s Olive Oyl impersonation had gotten way out of hand.

At the end of their senior year, they went to the prom together. Kip never really asked her; they just both knew they would. It felt a little awkward as they slow danced with the band, but not as awkward as when he dropped her off following the after-parties and stole a timid kiss as they said goodnight on her parent’s front steps. Things could have been different between them, but they both knew they were going off in separate directions for college. They stayed in touch while in school and saw each other over the holiday breaks. Unfortunately, each time they got together, she was dating someone and he wasn’t, or vice versa.

After graduating from college, Kip accepted a job as a runner in a New York bond house that the father of one of his fraternity brothers helped him land. It didn’t take long before he climbed the ranks and became a full-time fixed-income trader. He loved the frantic pace and excitement of the trading floor, and the streets of New York were so different from the town he grew up in.

Once Jackie graduated, she didn’t really know what she wanted to do. Eventually, she decided to move to Colorado to try her hand at being a ski bum. Ultimately, she landed in Vail. Of course, the only problem with being a twenty-two-year-old ski bum in Vail with no practical work experience save waiting a few tables in high school was actually making a living so you could afford rent and lift tickets.

For almost three weeks, she went door to door looking for work. She was willing to do any job, but so was just about every other twenty-something looking to put off the real world for a few years who filled the village. Finally, she found work in one of the large hotels in Beaver Creek. She started in the kitchen, delivering room service. Pretty soon she suspected the kitchen was only giving her orders requested by gross old men just out of the shower. She remembered how embarrassing it was to sit and wait for lecherous-looking old men in half-closed bathrobes struggle to fill out a room service bill because they were too busy trying to check her out without her noticing and without completely exposing themselves. Seriously, Father Time, slap fifteen percent on it and sign the damn thing, she would think. I need to go vomit.

One day, one of the kitchen prep cooks badly cut his hand and left for the day. The head chef told her to grab a knife and an apron, and he showed her what to do. The next day he offered her a permanent job in the kitchen. Jackie jumped at the chance.

The head chef liked her. She was smart and enthusiastic, and didn’t put up with any crap from the guys in the kitchen. He started her in food prep, but over time began to move her up the line. He knew she had talent, and when an opening became available at the best Italian restaurant in Vail, he called his friend who owned the place and enthusiastically recommended her for the job. Jackie was ecstatic.

The executive chef at the restaurant took her under his wing and taught her amazing techniques. She loved it. One day, Jackie approached him with the idea of attending culinary school. He was a native of Italy and told her that if she really wanted to learn to cook, she needed to work in kitchens instead of classrooms. He was from the Italian town of Trieste and spent a few weeks finding a restaurant that would take her in as an apprentice. Initially, she was hesitant. She had never been to Europe and certainly didn’t speak Italian.

“Don’t worry about talking,” he assured her. “Learn with your eyes, your nose, and your hands. Any school can teach you the correct measurement of ingredients for making fresh pasta, but until you’ve stood at the hip of someone who has made it every day for thirty years, you’ll never really know what real pasta is.”

Ultimately, she agreed, and off to far northeastern Italy she went. She spent six months in Trieste, then a year in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Venice. After that, she spent a year in Florence and another in Palermo. She could have continued her culinary odyssey in a kitchen in Turin, but she was homesick. So she packed up her knives and moved back home.

After two weeks of kicking around town and gorging herself on the cheese enchiladas and the chile rellenos she so desperately missed overseas, she bravely scraped up all her savings, wrote a detailed business plan, and found a small restaurant space and a banker crazy enough to loan her the money to open her own place.

Austin was a barbecue and fried chicken town served with a side of fajitas and margaritas. Her traditional Italian restaurant serving authentic cuisine struggled at first. It made her cringe, but she finally got used to customers asking for spaghetti and meatballs, so she put them on the menu. It made her furious and slightly disappointed in herself, but it was the best damn Spaghetti e Polpette di Carne in Austin. Once a local food critic found her place and proclaimed her a “feisty, blonde-headed culinary genius,” business exploded. Soon she moved to a bigger location downtown, and “Ristorante di Jacqueline” became an Austin institution.

Kip had been walking through the streets of downtown Austin for about six blocks. Turning the corner on a street bustling with nighttime revelers, he spotted the quaint sign that announced he had arrived at his destination. Entering the packed restaurant, he approached the hostess, who was juggling a stack of menus and a reservation pad with a phone tucked under her ear. Waiting his turn in line, he finally reached the front of the stand a few minutes later.

“Welcome to Jacqueline’s.” The hostess smiled at Kip. “Did you have a reservation with us tonight?”

“Well, yes and no. I spoke with Jackie this afternoon, and she said to tell you that I’m Kip.”

“Oh, sure,” the hostess replied. “She has a spot at the kitchen counter saved for you. Mark,” she said to a young man wearing an apron who had just arrived at the reservation stand. “Will you take this gentleman to the chair reserved at the end of the chef’s counter and let Jackie know that Kip is here?”

“Certainly,” the young man replied. “Please follow me, sir.” The young man led Kip through the maze of tables draped with white tablecloths and boisterous diners seated in their red leather chairs. Reaching the end of a long counter that faced the busy open kitchen, he pulled back a chair for Kip. “Right here, sir. I’ll let Jackie know you’ve arrived.”

“Thanks,” Kip replied as he took his seat. Peering into the kitchen, Kip looked for Jackie. It didn’t take long to spot the pretty blonde directing her kitchen staff as she inspected three plates ready to head to the dining room. Mark approached Jackie in the kitchen and pointed in Kip’s direction. Her blonde ponytail whipped behind her as she spun around from the plates she was reviewing, and she smiled from ear to ear when she spotted Kip. Motioning for someone to take her place, she disappeared from view for a moment before bounding out of the kitchen door and quickly making her way to the end of the counter. Kip stood and caught Jackie as she leapt into his arms.

“So good to see you!” Jackie said, practically choking Kip as she hung from his neck.

“Look at you!” exclaimed Kip as he set her down. “You look fantastic.”

“So do you, Kipper! I’m so glad you made it.”

“Me, too. Look at this place,” Kip said, motioning toward the packed dining room. “This is amazing.”

“Thanks, man!” Jackie replied with a smile and a playful punch to Kip’s shoulder. “It’s pretty nuts on a Friday night, but I love it. This is kind of rush hour, but it’ll settle down in a while and we can catch up. You don’t need to be anywhere soon, do you?”

“Nope. Bennett lifted my curfew tonight,” he joked.

“How is Bennett? He drops by occasionally, but I never get to spend enough time with him. You have such an interesting father. He just cracks me up.”

“Well, he’s been sick lately, but you’d never know it.”

“Yeah, I heard. Don’t you worry—he’s as tough as barbed wire and way too ornery to let anything slow him down.”

“That’s the truth. Now, you get back to your kitchen and come visit when you can.”

“Did you eat yet? You better not have,” Jackie said, shaking a finger at him in jest.

“Absolutely not. I’m dying to see what you learned overseas all those years. You know, I’m practically a New Yorker these days, and I know what the good Italian stuff is.”

“Well, I don’t normally serve yankees here, but I’ll make an exception for you. I’ll have someone bring you a menu.”

“Actually, why don’t you just put something together for me? Chef’s choice.”

“Do you drink wine, or are you still just a beer and bourbon man?”

“I love wine.”

“Great! I know exactly what to make for you.” Jackie hugged Kip one more time before spinning around and hustling back to her kitchen.

A few minutes later a bottle of wine appeared. It was closely followed by a series of four magnificent dishes. After the last empty plate was removed, he returned to his glass of wine and watched as the restaurant began to empty of its patrons. When the majority of the room was cleared and the frenetic pace of the kitchen and wait staff had slowed, Jackie emerged from the kitchen with an empty red wine glass.

“Jackie,” Kip gushed. “That was amazing.”

“I’m glad you liked it, big boy. Hope the selections worked for you.”

“Absolutely. I particularly liked the pasta with the anchovy and garlic sauce.”

“That was always one of my favorites in Venice,” Jackie said as she poured herself a glass of wine from the bottle.

“How’d you know Brunello was my favorite?” Kip asked as he clinked glasses with Jackie and took another sip.

“Just a hunch. I’m so glad you could come by. Sorry it was so busy earlier.”

“Hey, no problem. I enjoyed the chance to watch you work. You really have a passion for it.”

“I do,” Jackie said as she sipped her wine. “Now, tell me about you. How long are you back for?”

“Well, my return ticket is scheduled in a few weeks, but I may change it. I really want to spend some time with Bennett and you, if you can find some time.”

“Absolutely. Sunday nights are slow, and I close on Mondays. Maybe I can sneak out early Sunday night and we can catch a movie for old time’s sake.”

“Only if it’s subtitled,” Kip laughed as he raised his glass in a toast. For the next hour, the two spent time catching up and reminiscing about the old days as the restaurant staff readied the place for closing. Jackie howled in laughter as Kip replayed the events of the bingo hall earlier that evening.

“She actually fired her gun?” Jackie laughed as Kip finished his story.

“Swear to God. Man, I hope they put that little hellcat in solitary for everyone’s safety.”

“So you came with Polly? Can I give you a lift home later?”

“Sure, if you don’t mind.”

“No problem. In fact, I insist. Let me go check with the staff and make sure everything is ready for close, and maybe we can pop over to Sixth Street and grab a nightcap first.”

“I’d love that.”

After Jackie assured herself that everything was in order with the staff, she grabbed her purse and headed down the block with Kip to the still bustling Sixth Street. They made their way into a small jazz club and continued laughing about old memories over another glass of wine. After a while, they both decided they’d had a long day and should head home.

“I always loved your old home,” Jackie said as she navigated through the streets of Austin. “I’m so glad your father didn’t sell it when your mother passed away.”

“Never any risk of that. Bennett will die in that house before he sells it. The only thing he loves more is his dog.”

“How’s Avery? I haven’t met him, but when Bennett comes by the restaurant he’s usually grumbling about him.”

“Oh, he’s pretty weird, but mostly harmless, I think. He and Bennett fight like an old married couple. They make an unlikely pair, but Bennett swore to his second wife that he’d take care of her son after she died, and the one thing you can count on Bennett for is to keep his word. You’ll have to meet him sometime. It’ll crack you up.”

“So, we’re on for a movie Sunday?” Jackie asked as she pulled to the curb in front of the big white house.

“You bet. I’ll swing by the restaurant, and whenever you can sneak out, we’ll go,” Kip answered as he wondered if he should kiss Jackie goodnight.

“Can’t wait,” said Jackie as she leaned over gave Kip a quick kiss on the lips. “See you then,” she said with a smile. Kip watched Jackie pull away in her car as he mentally kicked himself for leaving Austin in the first place.

• • •


Back along the Mexican border, the Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia was locked and loaded and ready for Operation Land Shark to officially commence, albeit a few hours later than the General would have liked. The men had regained their confidence and swagger after the disaster of the ATV training exercise earlier that evening. Private Zulu had painted the bright orange ATVs with ribbons and stripes of black shoe polish. It didn’t exactly make them blend into the desert terrain like General X-Ray had hoped.

“But at least it makes ’em look meaner,” the private had noted.

The men of STRAC-BOM had loaded their gear and weapons onto their vehicles, and with a flourish of his riding crop, the General ordered his men to start their engines. The General pulled his leather goggles down from the top of his tanker’s helmet and secured them firmly in place over his eyes. After kick-starting the heavy dirt bike to life, he led the convoy of vehicles into the desert, only to return to base a few minutes later because Private Foxtrot had forgotten to lock the door to the HQ. Once the base was secured, they moved out again.

Progress was slow and bumpy. General X-Ray’s stubby legs stretched as far as they could in order to reach the ground from his seat on the motorcycle, but they just wouldn’t make it. He had to ride straddling the dirt bike’s gas tank. His legs looked like a set of children’s training wheels as the General tippy-toed along while he struggled with great effort to keep from tipping over while navigating the broken and rocky terrain. The first phase of Operation Land Shark was for the men to make their way several miles north to Rally Point Uno and establish their first camp. The General shouted encouragement to his troops, but they couldn’t hear a word he said over the noise of the ATVs. Slowly, the convoy of vehicles began to separate. After an hour of slow progress, the General, noticing his men were scattered, brought his dirt bike to a halt and waived his riding crop in a circle above his head in an attempt to rally his troops to his position. Realizing that they couldn’t spot his position in the dark, the General grabbed the small handheld flashlight attached to his belt and clicked the light on and off several times in their direction. One by one, the ATVs arrived at his position and killed their engines.

“I want Fire Team Leader Status reports starting with Alpha Team,” the General instructed.

“Alpha, present and accounted for.”

“Bravo, ditto.”

“Charlie, ditto, ditto.”

“Excellent,” the General replied as he consulted his marked- up topographical map and flip-top compass with his flashlight. “Rally Point Uno is on top of this ridge and to the east, about four hundred meters. Follow me and we’ll pitch tonight’s base camp and begin surveillance for illegal aliens.”

The men fired their machines back to life and gingerly made their way along the ridgeline, passing a cut in the ridge with a sloping path to the valley below. Just to the east of the cut they parked their vehicles and began setting up Rally Point Uno base camp.

“Fire Team Alpha!” the General barked. “I want you to assemble the tents over there. Fire Team Bravo, set up the dining fly, mess hall, and command center here. Fire Team Charlie, take your entrenching tools and begin constructing the surveillance foxholes over there about twenty-five meters. Dig them right on the edge of the ridgeline, and I want them at least three feet deep.”

“Dang, general,” Private Zulu replied dejectedly. “How come we got to dig the foxholes? This dry ground is an s.o.b. to hack through.”

“Stop your whining, private,” the General reprimanded him, “or I’ll have you dig the latrine, too. Once the other Fire Teams are finished, they’ll help you with the perimeter defenses.”

The men went to their assigned tasks, and in short order the olive drab canvas pup tents were erected and the command center was in place. Fire Teams Alpha and Bravo joined the effort to finish the three foxholes on the edge of the ridge.

“Okay, men,” the General began, “take your positions in the foxholes and watch for movement. If you see anything, radio me in the command center, but no loose chatter on your walkie-talkies. And don’t forget to check your weapons and ammo.”

For the next four hours, the Fire Teams scanned the valley below, hardly able to see a thing in the darkness. The sounds of the desert played tricks with their minds, particularly the occasional flutter of bats wings over their heads as the nocturnal creatures chased their nightly prey of insects.

“You see anything out there?” whispered Private Zulu.

“Nope,” replied Fire Team Leader Charlie.

“Kind of creepy out here. I sure don’t like it.”

“It ain’t that bad. Could have to share a foxhole with the General.”

“I don’t know,” said Private Zulu, taking a sip from his canteen. “Lots of unexplainables out here.”

“Unexplainables? I don’t even think that’s a word.”

“Whether it is or ain’t, this desert got some weird things in it.”

“Like what?” Fire Team Leader Charlie asked as he took the canteen from the private and drank.

“Like werewolf coyotes.”

“Well, I bet there’re plenty of coyotes out there, but not werewolves. You watch too much cable.”

“Oh, no, they got them werewolf coyotes in this part of the country. Or vampire coyotes, I can’t keep ’em straight. Either way, they’ll kill you right dead and eat your bones in a heartbeat unless you shoot ’em with garlic bullets.”

“So how many garlic bullets did you bring with you?”

“None.”

“Well, I guess you’re out of luck, partner. I’ll be sure to let your family know you died heroically.”

“That ain’t funny,” Private Zulu said as he snatched his canteen back. “Hey! What was that?”

“What was what?”

“Down there,” the private said, pointing to an area straight below the cut in the ridge. “Something moving.” The two men stared intently at the area for a few minutes.

“Could be something,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said. “Bet it’s just some kind of animal.”

“See! There it goes again. Call it in! Call it in!” implored Private Zulu.

“Okay, but if it turns out to be nothing and the General has a conniption, it was your idea,” the Team Leader said as he reached for his walkie-talkie. “Command center. This is Checkpoint Charlie. Do you read? Over.”

The noise of his walkie-talkie startled General X-Ray so much he dropped Private Zulu’s confiscated handheld videogame, on which he was busy playing Zombie Slaughter 5.0.

“Checkpoint Charlie, this is Command Center. Over,” the General replied.

“General, Private Zulu thinks we got something down here. Might just be animal movement but we aren’t sure. Over.”

“Hold your position, Fire Team Leader Charlie,” the General said as he shoved the videogame back into his pocket. “I’m on my way. Over.” The General leapt from the command center and double-timed his way to their position. “Situation report,” he said as he crashed into the cramped foxhole with his men.

“Down there, sir.” Fire Team Leader Charlie pointed. “A pretty good ways below that cut in the ridge.”

“I don’t see anything,” said the General.

“Definitely something there, general,” replied Private Zulu.

“Okay, steady, boys,” the General said as he readied the flare gun he retrieved from his belt. “Aim your weapons and prepare to fire.” Fire Team Leader Charlie looked down at the pellet gun and wrist rocket on the ground beside him. He decided on the pellet gun because he didn’t have time to find a suitable rock. Private Zulu shouldered his single-shot, twenty-two-caliber rifle and aimed in the general vicinity of the movement.

“Launching flare!” the General announced with gusto. With a whoosh, the flare arced a small, circular, flickering red flame up and over the valley below. A few seconds later, the flare ignited and illuminated the terrain of the valley as it slowly floated back down from the desert sky.

A small grey coyote lifted its head from its meal and froze in place. Sensing danger, it sniffed the wind. Grabbing one more bite from its prize, the coyote slunk back deeper into the shadows of the valley and slipped away into the night.

“Did you see those eyes?” Private Zulu cried in terror. “They were glowing! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! It’s got to be one of those vampire coyotes!”

“A what?” the perplexed General asked.

“Don’t get him started, sir,” Fire Team Leader Charlie replied. “Just your garden-variety coyote eating something.”

“Not with eyes like that!” the trembling private replied.

“I don’t care what it was,” the General said as he picked up his walkie-talkie. “We’re going down there to recon the area.” The General keyed the “Talk” button on his walkie-talkie. “Fire Teams Alpha and Bravo, this is General X-Ray. I’m taking Fire Team Charlie and Private Zulu with me to reconnoiter the valley. Over.”

“Roger, sir,” Fire Team Leader Bravo replied over his walkie-talkie.

“Jesus, general,” Fire Team Leader Alpha responded. “That flare scared the pants off us. Give us a heads-up next time.”

The General, Fire Team Leader Charlie, and the extraordinarily skittish Private Zulu made their way down the cut and approached the area where the coyote had been feeding. The remains of the two Mexican drug couriers, Ernesto and Victor, had been fed upon for several days. Their bodies were hardly recognizable as human. Only the presence of their shoes and clothes indicated that they were ever human at all.

“Help me, Lord,” cried Private Zulu. “No regular coyote can break a man up like that. We got to find some garlic fast!”

“Compose yourself, private!” the General commanded. “Just a couple of illegal aliens who snuck into our beloved homeland that got what was coming to them. I don’t know how they met their fate, but we’re taking the credit. STRAC-BOM: two, Mexico: zero!”

The General returned to the top of the ridge with Fire Team Leader Charlie and Private Zulu and gathered up the remainder of his troops. He congratulated his exhausted men on Operation Land Shark’s glorious and overwhelming first victory against the scourge of illegal immigration. Sensing the sun was coming up soon, the General suspended the evening’s surveillance activities and ordered the men back to the base camp. The dusty and tired men literally fell into their sleeping bags, and within seconds the snores of the soldiers of STRAC-BOM filled the early morning desert sky.




PART TWO





CHAPTER SIX

I Walk the Line


In the morning, El Barquero woke early to the sound of the roosters announcing the arrival of the dawn. He quickly showered and dressed before heading downstairs. In the kitchen, the Padre sat drinking coffee and reading a newspaper while one of the female house servants prepared frijoles, tortillas, and fried eggs. A disposable prepaid cell phone rested on the table in front of him.

“Come, sit down, my friend,” the Padre said as he noticed the large man in the doorway. The woman at the stove poured a cup of coffee for El Barquero and placed it in front of him. “Did you rest well?” the Padre asked.

“Yes, Padre,” he said as he drank from the delicate china cup. “Thank you for having me as your guest.”

“After your good work these last few months, it’s the least I could do. Well, besides pay you!” The Padre laughed loudly.

The woman brought plates and silverware to the table, quickly followed by a large platter of food.

“Anything else, Padre?” she asked humbly.

“Not now,” he replied. “You may leave us.” The two men spent the next few minutes eating their breakfast in silence as the Padre continued to thumb through his newspaper. “Ah, you see this?” the Padre said, breaking the silence as he pointed to an article on the new police chief in Nuevo Laredo. “That is why I’m heading to Nuevo Laredo this morning.”

“I didn’t think they had a police chief.”

“They haven’t, at least not for the last year. Someone kept killing them,” the Padre said with a smile. “This one is different. He works for me. He’ll be crossing the border on a regular basis to work with a Texas law enforcement task force concentrating on stopping illegal drug traffickers. Ironically, each time he travels to Laredo, the tires of his police car will be filled with exactly what he is charged with interdicting. You finished with breakfast?”

“Yes, Padre.”

“Good,” he snatched up his phone and headed to the door. “Come with me. I want to show you something. You know, I don’t even know why they try stopping us anymore,” the Padre said as they crossed the compound to the barn. The armed guards remained, but the mass of cars from the previous night had mostly disappeared. “The Mexican authorities are in chaos. On top of that, they’re broke. That’s why so many soldiers run away from the army and the police and join the cartels. Who wants to fight if you aren’t sure if you’re going to get paid? And the Americans, what do they do? Every few years they promise the Mexican government a billion dollars here or a billion dollars there to help. A billion dollars a year!” He made a grand gesture in the air with his hands. “Sure, it makes for a great headline on the evening news. But compared to what? The ten or twenty billion dollars a month they spend on their wars on the other side of the planet. No, we’re the ones with the resources, my friend.” The Padre opened the barn door. “As long as Americans demand our product, no one can stop more than a small percentage of our shipments.”

Swinging open the barn door, El Barquero was amazed to see that the cockfighting pit and bleachers had been removed, leaving only an open dirt floor. The bodies of two naked men with hands tied behind their backs hung from ropes around their necks from the rafters above. Examining the men, El Barquero noticed they had been tortured before they died. He immediately recognized one of the men from last night. He was the one with the gun who had stopped him from entering the barn.

“Don’t mind them,” the Padre said as he quickly paced across the barn floor toward a metal door on the opposite side of the room. “Just thieves that stole from me. My partners and I don’t care for thieves.”

The Padre entered a code on the keypad mounted next to the door and motioned for El Barquero to enter. The room was long and rectangular, with metal floors and walls. It was filled with workers who were moving loads of heroin, cocaine, and methamphetamines and packaging them for delivery. El Barquero had been to the farm before, but never had he been allowed to enter this room. The Padre greeted the laborers by name, asking some about their families as they walked down the main aisle of the long room.

“One big happy family,” he explained as they reached another locked door at the end of the room. Entering another code, he invited El Barquero into the small, windowless office. “Have a seat,” the Padre said as he dropped into the plush black leather chair located behind an ornate mahogany desk. He reached into his inner suit coat pocket and produced another thin cigar. “Not a good idea to smoke on the floor,” he said as he lit the cigar, “but fine in here. You don’t smoke, do you?”

“No, Padre.”

“What do you think?” the Padre asked as he placed the cigar on the edge of a large crystal Waterford ashtray resting on the desk. “I’ve never shown you this before.”

“Very impressive.”

“Our cartel has dozens of these spread around our territories. Of course, we also have others for storing weapons, and machine shops for assembly, repair, and conversion of the semiautomatics to fully automatic, even motor pools for our vehicles. Hell, we even have our own medical facilities.”

“The business has become quite complicated,” El Barquero noted.

“Without a doubt. Not like in the old days when the Colombians paid us by the load to smuggle their cocaine across the border. Back then, we were just mules in the transportation business. Eventually, we got smart. We asked to be paid in product so we could start our own businesses and not just serve as Mexican middlemen. Then the big thing happened. The Americans decided to make a statement. President Clinton declared war on the Colombian dealers. For years, they focused only on South America. It gave us a window of opportunity to vertically integrate our businesses. Now we control the raw materials and supplies, labor, manufacturing, distribution, and even the marketing. Did you see the men stamping the pills and blocks of product with our insignia? Educated consumers want to know the origin of their product these days.

“Yes, the business has become complicated,” said the Padre as he puffed on his cigar. “I even have public relations work to do. At least, that’s what I consider my business with our new police friend in Nuevo Laredo today. Just making sure we have the right friends in the right places. Ultimately, expansion and integration is what led the cartels to form. Sometimes it’s easier to grow through mergers and acquisitions of many small businesses than organically. Sometimes these mergers were friendly, and sometimes they were not. But the more the business grew, the more the different cartels squabbled and fought. Now the most important asset is access to the border. We were fortunate to have an original location on the Gulf Coast border; it gave us early access to America. Now the challenge is expanding that territory. It will be bloody. The other cartels have guns, too. That’s the only thing I worry about, not the army or the police or the Americans—the other cartels. That’s why the idea of thieves stealing shipments near Juarez is so troubling. When we do go to war, I want it on my terms, not theirs.” The Padre finished his cigar and stubbed it out in the ashtray. Reaching under his desk, he pulled out a metal suitcase and placed it on the desk. “Half the money now,” he said as he slid the silver case across the desk to El Barquero. “Half when the ship lands and the weapons are delivered to Matamoros.”

“That wasn’t our deal.”

“No, but you only delivered the merchandise halfway. Don’t get me wrong, my friend, I loved your plan, but moving the shipment across the Guatemalan border and through Mexican territory we don’t control adds difficulties on my end. I know you did great work sourcing the weapons. There’s nobody except you I would trust to pull off such a large job. I’ll very gladly pay you the full fee, but only when the shipment has arrived. You have my word. Okay?”

“Okay,” the stone-faced man replied without emotion. For a second, El Barquero thought about killing the Padre right where he sat, but only for a second.

“Excellent.” The Padre checked the heavy gold watch on his wrist. “Come, time to go,” he announced as he rose from his chair. The two men exited back through the storeroom of workers and out through the barn. The two dead men had been cut down and removed. Reaching the black armor plated limousine parked outside with the engine running, the Padre turned and placed his hand on El Barquero’s shoulder. “Remember, if you hear anything about shipments being stolen in the desert, I want to know immediately.”

“Yes, Padre.”

“Good,” the Padre said as he pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open as he climbed into the limousine. “I’ll be in touch.” Two heavily armed guards entered behind him and closed the door.

The long black car kicked up gravel as it pulled out of the compound. El Barquero, seething with anger, glared menacingly at the car as it pulled out of sight, leaving nothing but a slowly dissipating cloud of dust in its wake. He took the metal case and walked toward his car. His eyes were filled with venom.

• • •


A few miles north of the border, Agents Hank Martin and Maria Diaz rode their horses through the rocks and scattered underbrush of the desert. The two border patrol agents were cutting sign, or looking for trails in the desert left by illegal aliens and drug smugglers. It was tricky work. Smugglers often wore boots made from carpet that slipped over their shoes like makeshift hospital booties. It made their tracks difficult to spot. The two agents had left their U.S. Customs and Border Protection SUV and horse trailer a few miles back, preferring to use the horses to reach the area they were curious to examine. During the early morning hours, a long-haul trucker along Interstate 10 had reported seeing a red flare off in the distance, somewhere in the vicinity north of the exit to Tornillo. Agents Martin and Diaz knew that drug smugglers occasionally used ultra-light planes, essentially hang gliders modified with a small engine, to slip across the border at low altitude and drop loads of narcotics. The flare might possibly have been a signal used by couriers waiting on the ground to retrieve the shipment.

Law enforcement was in Agent Martin’s blood. His father was a retired Texas Ranger and his mother had worked as a sheriff’s department dispatcher. He had considered following in his father’s footsteps, but after thirteen years of service with the border patrol, he had been promoted to the rank of assistant chief patrol agent, and he knew he was staying put. Besides, the tall, lanky man was an outdoorsman at heart, and this way he spent at least part of most workdays out under the open skies he loved so much.

Agent Diaz had never really considered criminal justice as a career option, but when she graduated from the University of Texas El Paso, the Department of Homeland Security was rapidly expanding its ranks of border patrol agents and she jumped at the chance. After completing her training, her first two years of service had mainly consisted of line watching along the border, but now in her third year with the border patrol, she had been assigned field duty. She had grown up on a ranch in southwest Texas and had barrel-raced for years when she was a young girl. She loved the thrill of riding on patrol rather than just sitting and watching the fence between Juarez and El Paso.

“Well,” said Agent Martin as he reined his big tan horse to a stop and leaned on his saddle horn with both hands. “This ought to put us somewhere close to the area.”

“Did we get an idea of how far from the interstate the flare was?” asked Agent Diaz as she pulled her dark brown horse alongside her partner and removed her cowboy hat, running her hand through her black hair.

“Naw,” replied Agent Martin. “Hell, I’m not even really sure he saw a flare. Could’ve been an airplane light thirty miles away. These big skies can play tricks on you, particularly at night.”

“Yeah, still worth a look, though. Not a half-bad morning for a ride, to boot.”

“That it is, Maria,” Agent Martin replied with a smile. “That it is. Well, let’s head up toward that higher ground a ways. If someone was dropping something, they’d most likely unload it before they got too deep into the hills.”

“Sounds good.”

The two agents paced their horses toward the elevated terrain and then headed east, looking for signs of travel along the foot trails that occasionally intersected their path. From time to time, they would discover a discarded water bottle or abandoned sandal, but nothing that appeared fresh or promising. Suddenly, Agent Diaz noticed something odd about a half mile away and slightly back from the edge of the ridgeline above them.

“Hank,” she said as she stopped her horse and squinted into the bright sun that rose in the eastern sky. “Think maybe we got something up there.”.

“Well, well,” said Agent Martin as he raised a pair of black binoculars to his eyes. “Looks like some kind of camp. I got four tents, a dining fly, and a couple vehicles, maybe more. Can’t tell from this angle.”

“Any movement?”

“Not that I can see. Let’s head back to that wash we passed back there and come in from behind and above for a better look-see.”

The agents returned to the washed-out area that ran down the slope of the ridge. Leaning forward in their saddles, they held onto the necks of their mounts as the horses scampered up the slope. Reaching the top, they looped around the position of the camp, stopping about two hundred yards away to dismount and further examine the area.

“Base,” Agent Martin said calmly into his radio, “this is Patrol Seven. We’re in the foothills north of I-10 in the vicinity of the flare that was reported. We have a campsite with four tents around a dining fly. Don’t see any activity, but there’re three ATVs and a dirt bike parked outside. Going in to check it out. Over.”

“Roger Patrol Seven,” his radio responded. “Do you require backup? Over.”

“Nope. Not yet. Might just be some campers. Will advise. Over.”

The two agents led their horses towards the campsite, removing their Remington shotguns with composite stocks and pistol grips from the long leather scabbards attached to the sides of their saddles. Agent Diaz chambered a shell in her shotgun and unsnapped the holster of the forty-caliber semiautomatic pistol she wore at her hip. She’d only been in the field with Agent Martin for a year, but she’d been fired on before.

“United States Border Patrol!” Agent Martin announced loudly as they approached the campsite. “Anyone there, come out with your hands where I can see ’em!”

The men of STRAC-BOM slowly and wearily emerged from their pup tents and watched in silence as the two mounted border patrol agents in green uniforms and tan Stetson hats entered the perimeter of the camp, brandishing their shotguns across their laps.

“Who was on lookout?” a perturbed General X-Ray asked his men.

“You didn’t assign one, general,” replied Private Tango.

“You fellas look a little old to be boy scouts,” said Agent Martin. “We got some kind of sleepover going on here?”

“I’m Brigadier General X-Ray,” the General began. “Commander of the Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia, STRAC-BOM for short, and these are my Fire Teams. I assume you’ve heard of us.”

“Well, no, I surely haven’t,” replied Agent Martin. “Agent Diaz, you ever heard of a STRAC-MOM?”

“It’s STRAC-BOM,” replied the General.

“Apologies,” replied Agent Martin. “You ever heard of a STRAC-BOM?”

“I’ve heard of civilian militias,” Agent Diaz said as she surveyed the crew of men in ragged and mismatched fatigues. “But not this one in particular.”

“Just what sort of war games are you and your men up to, general?” asked Agent Martin.

“We’re engaged in Operation Land Shark,” replied the General. “A multi-day surveillance and interdiction campaign aimed at eliminating illegal border crossings into our great nation.”

“Wait a minute,” said Agent Diaz, laughing. “Are you the guys that tried to shut down the international bridge in Tornillo awhile back?”

“Yes,” replied the General. “Operation Dam the Gate was not entirely appreciated by your law enforcement counterparts; however, I believe it at least made a symbolic statement of how true red-blooded Americans feel about your inability to stem the flow of illegal aliens washing over our border. After all, as the great General George S. Patton once said, ‘All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing.’”

“I don’t believe that quote is attributed to Patton,” Agent Diaz replied.

“Doesn’t matter,” snapped the General. “The point is that we stand armed and committed to succeeding where authorities like you have failed.”

“And just how armed are you?” asked Agent Martin.

“Our battle gear is in the tents,” the General responded. “All properly registered and licensed, I assure you.”

“You know,” said Agent Martin as he dismounted his horse. “Why don’t we just have a look anyway. Bring any firearms in your possession out here and line them up over there under the dining fly. Unloaded, if you don’t mind.”

The General grumbled in protest as he and his men retrieved their weapons and lined them up as instructed. Agents Martin and Diaz surveyed the cache of motley firearms.

“You know, guys,” Agent Diaz said. “It’s not just illegal aliens running through here at night. This is one of the most heavily trafficked border areas for narcotics smuggling, and the cartel soldiers involved tend to carry some serious firepower,” she added, pointing to the pellet gun and wrist rocket in the collection of weapons. “You know what happens when you bring a slingshot to a fight with a Mexican and his Cuerno de Chivo?”

“His what?” asked Private Zulu.

“His ram’s horn,” she explained. “That’s what they call an AK-47. The curved magazine looks like a ram’s horn, and you’ve got no chance going up against one with this stuff.”

“She’s right,” chimed in Agent Martin. “Sneaking around out here in the dark, you’re liable to get shot, either by drug runners or by us. Now, I can’t make you leave, but I highly suggest you go back to your day jobs and leave this to us.”

“I appreciate your concern,” the General replied. “But our mission is scheduled until Sunday, and we’ll not abandon our campaign. Now, if you don’t mind, we need to break camp and commence transit to Rally Point Dos.”

“All right,” replied Agent Martin. “But first, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about a flare being launched around here last night?”

“Indeed,” said the General. “I was illuminating two illegal alien targets.”

“Actually,” said Private Zulu, “it was some kind of demonic werewolf-vampire coyote. Might have been part zombie as well. Fire Team Leader Charlie saw it!.”

“Really? A vampire coyote?” Agent Martin said sarcastically as he glanced over at Agent Diaz, who was doing her best not to laugh. “They do tend to come out this time of year, don’t they, Agent Diaz?”

“You bet. They call them chupacabras. They drink your blood,” Agent Diaz replied in a spooky voice.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone!” Private Zulu said excitedly. “But nobody believes me!”

“General, what happened to the illegal aliens you were illuminating?” asked Agent Martin.

“We left the remains of their bodies down below in the valley.”

“Remains?” Agent Martin asked with an icy stare at the General while Agent Diaz raised her shotgun to the ready.

“Calm down, agent,” the General said. “They were already dead. Had been for some time.”

“Well, why don’t we all go down and have a look, then?” replied Agent Martin as he motioned down toward the valley with his shotgun. “After you, boys.”

Border Patrol Agents Martin and Diaz followed the members of STRAC-BOM down the sloping cut in the ridge toward the location of the bodies the militia had discovered the previous evening. Reaching their location, Agent Martin bent down on one knee to more closely examine the scattered remains. Pulling out a folding buck knife, he used the tip of the blade to poke through the pile of bones and clothes of the first victim before moving to the second.

“Something sure did a number on these two,” said Agent Martin as he closed his buck knife and returned it to its sheath.

“Just a coyote,” said Fire Team Leader Charlie.

“No,” replied Agent Martin as he rose to stand. “I’d say the first one at least was shot. Something awfully high-powered, by the way it shattered the sternum and spine. I’d also say someone did a pretty good job of breaking the bodies up. Maybe to make it easier for the varmints to get at them.”

“Want me to call it in, Hank?” asked Agent Diaz.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Have them send a truck out here to collect the remains.” Agent Diaz retrieved her radio and called the instructions into the border patrol base. “General,” Agent Martin continued as he turned toward the men of the militia, “I’ll ask you one more time to do me a favor and get on back home. This ain’t a place for amateurs.”

“We appreciate your concern,” General X-Ray replied. “But my troops are more than capable of defending themselves if needed.”

“All right,” Agent Martin acquiesced. “But you’ve been warned. Watch you don’t shoot yourselves.”

“Hank,” Agent Diaz said. “The vehicle should be here in a couple of hours.”

“Okay,” he replied. “General, you and your men are free to get back to your little adventures, but I want you to let me know if you come across anything else,” he continued as he handed a card with his contact information to the General.

“We’ll be in contact,” the General replied. “More than likely with a string of detainees in tow. I’ve got a good feeling about tonight.”

“Just remember,” said Agent Martin. “An illegal may not be a U.S. citizen, but if you shoot an innocent person out here, I’ll see that you and your men are charged.”

“We’re fully aware of the rules of engagement,” the General replied. “Now, if you don’t mind, we’re behind schedule for our move to Rally Point Dos.”

“And where might that be?” Agent Martin inquired.

“About five miles east of here,” the General said as he pointed down the ridgeline with his riding crop. “An obvious route of travel for our treacherous prey runs through the desert near there. Tonight we’ll be waiting for them.” The General turned, and with a flourish of his riding crop, rallied his men back up to their campsite to prepare for departure.

“What do you think, Hank?” Agent Diaz asked as she watched the men leave.

“I think we’ve got enough problems doing our own job without having to babysit these idiots.”

“I’ll bet you ten bucks one of them shoots himself with his own gun.”

“If only we could be that lucky,” Agent Martin said as he slung his shotgun over his shoulder. “I keep reading about these local militias popping up along the border. I was hoping we could get lucky and avoid them. Smugglers don’t give a spit about killing. They come across these greenhorns wearing fatigues and carrying guns, it’ll be a bloodbath. I’m thinking we might want to keep an eye on these boys tonight. You got plans?”

“I do now. How about I go up and bring down the horses?”

“Sounds good,” he replied as he retrieved his radio. “Base. This is Patrol Seven. Would you instruct the vehicle you’re sending out to bring along some extra water, food, jackets, and feed bags for the horses and some night vision equipment? We’re going to follow these boys tonight and make sure they don’t get up to any trouble. Over.”

• • •


Avery awoke late on Saturday morning to the frenetic jangling of Max’s dog tags in the hallway as the fierce little dog attempted to shake the stuffing out of a kitty-shaped chew toy. Avery had only gotten a few hours of sleep that night. Partly because he had been working most of the night gathering evidence to confirm his suspicions that North Korean operatives were actually the ones responsible for the RFK assassination, partly because of the lingering pain in his stomach from the infernal sabotaged tacos he had consumed, and partly because of his twisted and haunting dreams. His groin, still tender from the attack by the yoga mat–toting young woman, didn’t help matters, either.

Avery stormed past Max and stumbled downstairs in his bathrobe as he headed straight to the refrigerator in the kitchen. Ripping open the door open to access its contents, loudly rattling the condiment jars in the refrigerator door in the process, he furiously searched for a Mountain Dew. Cursing to himself as he discovered he was out, he hustled back to his office to put on his tracksuit and grab his fanny pack. A dull headache throbbed in his skull from the lack of sugar and caffeine as he bolted from the house and made a beeline to the drugstore a few blocks away. Nearly running over a small boy exiting the store, he shuffled down the aisle that contained assorted packaged foods until he reached the section containing soft drinks. Looking across the aisle at the refrigerated section, he debated whether he should grab the cold sixteen-ounce bottles or the warm two-liter bottles on the shelf. Deciding volume was more important than temperature, he scooped up four of the large plastic bottles. Heading to the register, he used his fingertips to pull a large bag of potato chips from a shelf, spilling several other bags of snacks onto the floor in the process. Ignoring the mess, he tucked into line behind a woman holding a large container of diapers and an elderly couple at the front of the line paying for their purchase.

“Your total is fourteen dollars and twelve cents,” the skinny redheaded teenager behind the register said to the couple.

“Here you go, sonny,” the elderly man said as he handed his bank card to the kid behind the counter.

“Just swipe it right there on the keypad,” he replied. The elderly man ran the card through the reader on the side of the pad and went to replace the card in his wallet. “Sir,” the boy began. “You need to run the side with the magnetic strip through.”

“I did,” the man replied.

“No, it was facing up and out.”

“Here, Harold,” the man’s wife said. “Give it to me.” The woman swiped the card through the reader correctly. Avery shuffled his feet impatiently as he waited in line.

“Now select debit or credit on the screen,” the boy instructed.

“Debit or credit?” the man asked. “It’s a bank card from the credit union. I wanted checks, but they charge too much for them. Twelve dollars a box they want for them. It’s outrageous. Plus, nobody takes a cotton-picking check anymore, and if they do, they want more personal information to write across the top than we had to give to get our first mortgage. Betty, remember that little place in Corsicana?”

“Oh, it had the most beautiful rosebushes out front!” his wife gushed to the cashier.

“Just push debit!” yelled Avery as he leaned around the woman in front of him.

“Hold your horses, boy,” the man said as he turned to look at the disheveled bearded man in the bright tracksuit. “I’m getting to it.” The man pressed the debit button on the keypad. “What’s a PIN?” he inquired of the boy.

“Your Personal Identification Number,” he replied. “Just type it in and press enter.”

“I ain’t got one.”

“Sure you do,” said the boy.

“Nope.”

“Harold,” said his wife. “Try your social security number.”

“I ain’t giving them my social security number, Betty!” Harold scolded her. “Remember the police officer who came to the last AARP meeting and told us about the thieves who take your identity. I ain’t paying for some criminal to buy a condo in Vegas with my information. We’re on a fixed income.”

“Just press credit then,” the boy instructed. “It’ll work that way, too, and you don’t need a PIN.”

“Like hell I will!” Harold rebuked.

“Why not?”

“I ain’t paying no interest on this.”

“Sir, you won’t be charged interest.”

“See, Betty,” Harold said, turning to his wife. “Just like the police officer said. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.”

“Just pay him, you fossilized imbecile!” screamed Avery.

“You bite your tongue, boy! I spent twenty years in the navy and I’ll roll you like a carpet if you don’t watch your mouth,” Harold said, scowling and pointing his finger menacingly at Avery. The woman holding the diapers nervously stepped from between the two men and wandered toward the back of the store as the manager approached from the makeup aisle.

“Sir,” the store manager said as he approached Avery, “I’m going to have to ask that you please keep your voice down.”

“Piss off!”

“Sir, you need to control yourself. I can and will refuse service to anyone who acts belligerently towards employees or customers of this establishment.”

“You’re a very rude man,” Betty said to Avery with disgust in her voice. “My husband is a veteran on a fixed income. You need to show some respect.”

“You need to hurry up and get the hell out of my way!” the caffeine and sugar–deprived Avery exploded again.

“One more word from you,” said the manager, “and you’re out of here. You understand me?” Two more male store employees had made their way to the front of the store and stood behind the manager.

Avery, sensing that he was again outnumbered, considered his options. He could swallow his pride and cooperate, leave the store without his supplies, and face walking another two blocks to the nearest grocery store, or he could make a break for it without paying and use his combat skills to battle his way home. Deciding that since he had neglected to bring his Filipino fighting sticks with him, defending himself from the mob wasn’t a practical solution, he reluctantly gave in.

“Please, kind sir,” Avery said with clear sarcasm in his voice. “Complete your transaction. If I may assist you and your lovely bride in any way, please let me know.” The store employees monitored Avery until the elderly couple had paid for their goods using cash from Betty’s purse and exited the store. Avery paid for his soda and chips and quickly followed. Noticing the couple getting into their car in the parking lot, Avery sneered at Harold as he lumbered past. “Break a hip,” he muttered as he stumbled home as quickly as he could.

Back in his office, Avery guzzled warm Mountain Dew straight from a two-liter bottle as he madly pounded away at his keyboard.






To: Reginald J. Haversack

United States Senator (R-Minnesota)




Dear Senator:




I know who you are. For almost three decades, you may have fooled the constituents of your state and deceived your slow-witted cadre of Washington D.C.’s inner loop. My extensive research into your family’s genealogical tree has led me to the startling discovery that you are indeed directly related to Vladimir Lenin. My investigation has discovered that in 1903, during the gathering of the Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Labor Party in Brussels, your maternal great-grandmother was involved in a scandalous liaison with the father of modern Socialism. The infamous encounter occurred in a men’s bathroom stall after the cocktail social at the end of the conference where your great-grandmother was the unfortunate loser of a Russian drinking game that loosely translates to “Pass the Babushka.” The game is similar in nature to the children’s card game “Slap Jack” except that the base halves of Russian nesting dolls are lined up smallest to largest in front of the participants and filled with vodka. The loser of each round is required to drink the contents of the dolls in one shot, progressing from the smallest doll to the largest. Your great-grandmother apparently mistook the game for “Slap King,” losing eight consecutive rounds in less than thirty minutes. Lenin, the fiend, took advantage of the poor, helpless woman and never called her back, as he had promised. Your illegitimate grandfather was indeed born in Duluth, Minnesota, after your great-grandmother immigrated to the United States, as your Senate biography states. However, your Senate biography does not discuss her taking the last name of Haversack to avoid the embarrassment and shame of her bastard Marxist progeny. Why do I inform you of this now? It’s quite simple, really. After your recent lambasting of the current administration’s policies as “Insidious Closet Socialism” was unanimously lauded by your conservative colleagues and hence has become the latest Republican Party rallying cry, even gracing the cover of the latest edition of Newsweek, I feel certain that the details of your direct genetic link to the greatest of the Socialists would lead to vociferous ridicule and your inevitable impeachment. Senator, I am willing to keep this ignominious fact hidden from the world on one condition. As Vice Chair of the Senate Appropriations Committee and current member of its Education Committee, you have significant influence over funding decisions. Given that no current accredited university in this country offers educational programs in cryptozoology, I ask you to wield your policy-making prowess and require all future state university funding to be contingent on immediate establishment of undergraduate and master’s level curriculum regarding the study of unknown and mystical creatures. The need for qualified cryptozoologists has never been more imperative. Yetis, Loch Monsters, and other cryptids are facing urgent habitat issues stemming from the exponential increase in the burning of fossil fuels. My own research indicates that here in Texas we may soon face a catastrophic infestation of chupacabra as the vampire-like creatures migrate north from their historic feeding grounds into the heart of the southwestern United States, bringing their bloodsucking terror with them. Immediate funding for the establishment of these programs is needed to allow for better understanding of this growing threat to our country. Senator, as you must do your part, we all must do our part. Myself, I’m willing to graciously accept assignment as head of the Cryptozoology Department at the University of Texas at Austin, as soon as the coming semester. Of course, I would expect adequate financial compensation, immediate tenured status, around-the-clock access to the Central Intelligence Agency’s computer network at Langley, Virginia, with “Top Secret” security clearance preapproved, and a monthly car allowance with a reserved faculty parking space near the main door. Additionally, my class load would need to be scheduled for evenings only, as I’m not an early riser. If you do not comply with my demands, I will have no choice but to approach my extensive network of media contacts with the sordid details of how you, Reginald J. Haversack, the spawn of Lenin, have infiltrated the Republican Party.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton









CHAPTER SEVEN

You Go, Girls!


El Barquero had been in his car for nearly five hours since leaving the farmhouse outside Piedras Negras. After crossing the border, he flew along the roads leading northwest toward El Paso. It was a little past noon, and he was still a hundred miles or so from El Paso when he reached the town of Marfa, Texas.

Pulling up to a rundown house on the edge of town, he parked his car in back and went to the sliding glass door at the rear of the small house. He tested the door to see if was locked. It wasn’t. Slipping inside, he paused in the dingy, sparsely furnished living room and listened for noise. The sound of heavy snoring mixed with tejano music came from a bedroom down the hallway. Stealthily approaching the door, he pulled a black semiautomatic pistol from his back waistband and screwed a short sound suppressor from his pocket onto the barrel. Pointing the gun into the room, he used his free hand to gently open the door. Peering inside the dark room, illuminated only by the light that filtered in through a thin dirty piece of cloth nailed to the wall to act as a shade across a small window, he spotted his informant passed out on a thin, stained single mattress on the floor. He was splayed out on his back, wearing only a pair of white boxer shorts and a blue T-shirt pulled up over his belly, an empty bottle of tequila rising and falling on his chest as he deeply inhaled and exhaled, wheezing on the way up and snorting on the way down.

El Barquero slowly crossed the room and turned off the music coming from the clock radio that rested on a board propped up by two cinder blocks next to the bed. Aiming the gun at the man, El Barquero carefully raised his leg and used the tip of his boot to kick the bottle of tequila off the loudly snoring man’s chest and against the wall. The shattering of glass as the bottle exploded on the wall woke the drunken man, who sat straight up and found himself staring directly down the barrel of the silenced pistol that nearly touched his nose.

“Jesus Christ!” the confused and panicked man stammered. “I was going to call. I swear it! I swear on the Holy Mother, I was going to call!”

“Shut up, Memo,” the giant man said calmly. “Did you tell the Padre it was me?”

“No! I never said nothing! Please, Barquero,” Memo pleaded as he scooted himself back against the wall, the sound of glass crushing beneath him as he tried to distance himself from the gun and the man with fire in his eyes.

“Memo. Look at me, Memo. What did you tell the Padre?”

“Please, Barquero,” the man begged as he fought back the tears welling up in his eyes. “Please.”

“Tell me, Memo,” El Barquero said as he deliberately thumbed back the hammer on his pistol. “Tell me what you told him.”

“God, no,” the crying man squealed as he held his hands in front of his face and curled into a fetal position. “I wouldn’t…I didn’t…just please…please.”

“Look at me, Memo,” El Barquero said as he used the suppressor of his pistol to push the terrified man’s hands away from his face. “Look at me, Memo. There you go. How did he know?” he asked reassuringly.

“I swear,” the bawling man sobbed. “I don’t know.”

“How did he know!” the imposing man in black roared at the top of his lungs.

“He…he…” Memo stammered as the deafening outburst from El Barquero momentarily shocked him into a brief state of composure. “He was going to kill me. He said he would kill my family. Kill my family’s family. Please…you don’t understand.”

“Very good, Memo,” El Barquero said gently as he lowered his voice and his weapon. “See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Anything else you want to tell me? You said you were going to call me, didn’t you?”

“I know of a shipment. Another shipment. There’s one tonight, I mean, early in the morning,” Memo stammered quickly. “Tonight, not far from the last one, east about five miles. Three men. Armed. Heroin. The really good stuff.”

“What time?”

“Sometime around three in the morning. They’re meeting two men in a jeep. It’ll be hidden about two miles back in the hills. Please. I didn’t have a choice. Please.”

“No, I don’t have a choice. The Toro never has a choice,” El Barquero said as he reached down to the clock radio and turned up the volume on the tejano station. The suppressor would dull the noise of the pistol report but wouldn’t completely eliminate it. “You’re nothing but a sad, pathetic little chicken, Memo,” El Barquero said as he raised the gun and shot the cowering man once in the heart and twice in the head.

• • •


Back in Austin, Aunt Polly’s pink Cadillac hopped the curb as she plowed into the coffee shop parking lot. Slamming on her brakes, she slid the long vehicle into the parking space nearest the door, coming to a stop just an inch from the blue handicapped parking sign. Rolling herself out of her car, she made her way into the old diner-style joint and walked directly to the large rounded booth in the corner where the rest of the girls were already waiting with their pie and coffee. Polly plopped down in the booth, where Miss Pearl, Jolene, Big Esther, and Little Esther sat in silence.

“Sweetie,” Polly called to the young waitress wiping down a booth next to theirs with a white dish towel. “Would you be a doll and bring me a coffee and a slice of strawberry pie? Thanks, sugar,” she said without waiting for a response as she turned to the girls. “Now, ladies, I’ve called you here to review the events of last night.”

“We were all there,” snapped Miss Pearl. “We know what happened.”

“Not another word from you until I’m finished talking,” Polly scolded Miss Pearl. “If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be rotting away in that jail cell. I’ve got half a mind to go get my bail money back as it is. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the events of last night. Miss Pearl, you’ve finally gone too far this time. Shooting a handgun in public, my lord, someone could have gotten killed. Big Esther nearly had a coronary!” Polly said, pointing across the table where Big Esther nodded her head in agreement. “And you know I’ve got high blood pressure already. You can’t keep acting like this. Plus, I doubt they’ll ever let you back in for bingo, and that’s only if you don’t end up locked away in the Supermax with the killers and terrorists.”

“I ain’t going to no Supermax,” Miss Pearl said as she nibbled from the slice of apple pie in front of her. “Maybe a few days in County, but I can do that time in my sleep. I already got two inmate gangs trying to get me to join up. It’s like sorority rush, only with criminals and lesbians.”

“Oh, dear lord, Pearl!” cried Jolene. “Criminals are one thing, but please don’t go joining up with a lesbian gang!”

“Jolene, calm down,” said Polly as her coffee and pie arrived. “The reason I’ve called all of you here is that I’m declaring an intervention.”

“A what?” asked Little Esther.

“An intervention,” replied Polly as she drove her fork into her pie, cutting off a large piece that promptly fell off her fork and onto the table with a wet plop. “I’ve seen this on the television,” she continued as she scooped up the sticky lump of strawberries with her fork and fingers. “When someone you love gets completely out of control, you gather up their friends and declare an intervention. We all make a sworn commitment to help our loved one overcome their addiction,” Polly said as she sucked the pie off her fork and fingers.

“I ain’t got no addiction!” the feisty little black woman said as she crossed her arms. “I just got bad luck when it comes to coming in contact with fools!”

“No, Pearl,” replied Polly. “You most certainly do have an addiction, an anger addiction.” She looked around the table for support. “Girls, am I right or am I right?”

“Pearl,” said Jolene calmly. “She might have point.”

“It’s just a tiny problem, sweetie,” said Little Esther as she knitted away at a sock in her lap while Big Esther just bobbed her head in agreement.

“What kind of conspiracy is this?” asked Pearl angrily. “This is what I get for associating with white women! You old bats just want me locked away in some rehab facility so you can cash my government checks. You ain’t the only one who watches the television, Polly!” She shook her bony finger at Polly. “I see right through you.”

“Now, Pearl,” Polly calmly replied. “You just settle down. There ain’t going to be no rehab, no facilities, nothing like that. All this means is that each of us is going to commit to helping you learn to understand your anger and deal with it appropriately. Now, I’ve drawn up a schedule of activities and assignments.” She dug into her purse and produced five copies of a laminated weekly schedule that she passed around the table.

“Looks like brainwashing to me,” said Pearl disgustedly as she reviewed the document.

“It most certainly is not,” replied Polly. “It’s simply a coordinated regimen of activities to help you better recognize and understand your issues with conflict and exercises to help you release tension in a nonviolent manner. Okay,” Polly said as she sipped from her coffee. “On Mondays, we’ll meet for tai chi lessons at the YWCA. I’ve already signed us up.”

“Polly?” asked Jolene. “Are you sure teaching Miss Pearl kung fu is such a good idea?”

“Dear, tai chi is not kung fu,” Polly reassured Jolene. “It’s what we saw that elderly Chinaman doing in that park across from the Junior League meeting last week.”

“That’s tai chi?” inquired Miss Pearl. “I thought the old geezer was having a stroke.”

“Quiet, Pearl,” said Polly. “On Tuesdays, we’ll meet for meditation and transcendental relaxation techniques. Wednesdays, we’re taking a class in Buddhist philosophy at the junior college. Classes don’t start for three weeks, so until then we’ll meet and take turns reading from a collection of Buddhist writings. I haven’t found a good book yet, but we’ll work on that. Thursday is poetry writing…”

“Poetry writing,” Pearl scoffed. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“You need a creative outlet for your feelings,” replied Polly. “I want you to take out your feelings on paper and not with your fists. And finally, on Fridays, we’ll take bikram yoga lessons. That’s the hot yoga. It’ll help you sweat out your anger and frustrations.”

“The only sweating I want to do at my age,” Pearl replied, “is with that good-looking administrator over at the retirement center. The one that looks like Denzel.”

“Well, once we get your antisocial behaviors in order, then maybe reengaging your social life might not be a bad idea,” said Polly. “But until then, no men.”

“No men?” asked Pearl as she slowly shook her head in disappointment. “You’re breaking my balls, Polly. Really breaking my balls.”

“It’s only because we love you Pearl,” Polly replied. “Now, you’ll notice I’ve left Saturdays and Sundays open. Hopefully, we can find a new spot for bingo on Saturday nights. That’ll be our new night since Friday is hot yoga day and it just wouldn’t do to show up for the bingo still perspiring like pack mules. They might not think we’re ladies. Of course, Sundays are reserved for church. Now, I know we’re asking a lot from you, Pearl, so I’ll give up Methodist service and we can all join you at the Baptist church.”

“Okay,” said Pearl. “But my Baptist God’s going to see right through your blasphemous, heathen Methodist hearts.”

“We’ll take our chances,” Polly replied. “So, ladies, this is our chance to help our dear friend Pearl, and I’m hoping our efforts at rehabilitation might even find favor with the judge and help keep our poor little darling out of the slammer.”

“I don’t know,” said Pearl. “I kind of liked that one jail gang.”

“Nonsense, Pearl,” replied Polly. “Ladies, are we in agreement with this intervention?” The girls nodded in agreement, with the exception of Miss Pearl, who just looked down and grumbled while she kicked the table leg with her big white shoe. “Pinkie-swear!” cried out Polly as she extended her pudgy little finger to the middle of the table. All four ladies, including a reluctant Miss Pearl, interlocked pinkies.

“Pinkie-swear!” they chimed in unison.

“Fantastic,” said Polly. “We’ll get started pronto.”

After paying their bill, the girls all piled into Polly’s pink Cadillac parked in front of the coffee shop. Polly put the long car in reverse and floored the pedal. The car full of women screamed out backward across the parking lot and into the oncoming traffic of the street. Slamming the brakes and throwing the transmission into drive, Polly hammered down on the gas and sped down the busy street. Big and Little Esther sat in the back seat with Jolene. The three girls in back buckled their seat belts, checking several times to make sure they were securely fastened. Big and Little Esther closed their eyes shut and held hands, knowing from years of experience this was the best way to travel with Polly at the wheel. Miss Pearl sat in the front passenger seat, her legs crossed and propped on the dashboard with her hands clasped behind her neck.

“Pearl,” said Jolene. “For God’s sake, put on your safety belt.

“No way,” replied Pearl. “If I’m going to die, I’m going out comfy.”

“Oh, hush,” scolded Polly. “I haven’t had an accident, at least not a big one, in over two years.”

“How many moving violations?” inquired Little Ester as she tightly hung onto Big Esther’s enormous paw with one hand and her sock and darning needles with the other.

“Just a couple,” replied Polly as she jerked the wheel to the left and sped past a school bus full of children returning from a field trip. “Passive driving led to all my wrecks in the past. From now on, I’m going to be the windshield and not the bug.”

“You’re in a school zone,” Pearl said nonchalantly.

“Not anymore,” replied Polly as she poured on the gas and raced past the “End School Zone” sign.

“Now, ladies,” Polly began, “we need to track down a good collection of Buddhist readings for our Wednesday intervention activities. Since this is a group project, I think we should all have input on which books we select. Avery swears by a store a few blocks from here. We’ll just pop in and see what they’ve got.” Polly jerked the steering wheel over as she took a hard right at a four-way stop without slowing for the sign. She waved in her rearview mirror to the car behind her that she had just cut off midway through the intersection. “Sorry, sugar,” she said as the man leaned on his horn in anger.

“And you think I got issues,” Pearl said in disgust as she shook her head. “You drive like a coked-up New York cabbie.”

Eight blocks and two ignored traffic signs later, Polly pulled the pink car up to the curb in front of the maroon-colored gothic house. Her passenger-side tires rolled up over the curb and back off again. The car came to a bouncing stop on its soft suspension. The sign out front announced the house as The Magic Man’s Curio Shop and Bookstore.

“Am I too close to the curb?” Polly asked, not waiting for an answer. “Okay, everybody out.”

The girls clambered out of Polly’s huge car, Big Esther banging her small bird-like head on the way out. As the girls gathered up and turned toward the gate in the rusty wrought-iron fence that surrounded the property, a thunderous roar came from down the street. Amidst a deep, loud, thumping rumble, an intimidating woman on a bright red Harley-Davidson with orange flames painted on the fuel tank pulled over to the side of the road next to the girls. The heavily muscled woman wearing a black leather bikini, black sleeveless leather vest full of patches, white leather riding chaps, and heavy black construction boots shut down the thundering Harley’s engine. Clicking down the kickstand, the woman with multiple tattoos on her bulging, deeply tanned arms and rippled back removed the black helmet with Viking horns she was wearing, shaking her long blonde braids behind her.

“’Sup, home girl,” the intimidating biker with a deep raspy voice said to Miss Pearl as she tapped her heart twice with her closed fist.

“Sup,” Pearl replied, tapping her chest twice in return.

“Dear lord,” Jolene whispered to Miss Pearl. “Don’t tell me you know this Valkyrie?”

“Is she a man?” asked Little Esther.

“She’s a bodybuilder, stupid,” replied Pearl. “Nitro, ladies. Ladies, Nitro,” Pearl said, introducing her acquaintance. “I see you posted.”

“Yeah,” replied Nitro as she spat over her shoulder. “Got my old man to put his bike up as collateral for the bail money.”

“His bike?” asked Pearl. “I thought the reason you were in the joint in the first place was because you broke his cheekbone with a socket wrench.”

“Nah, he’s my bitch,” replied Nitro. “He said he deserved it. By the way, offer’s still open. We can always use some muscle in the gang.”

“I’ll think on it,” replied Pearl. “I know where to find you.”

“Good,” replied Nitro as she replaced her horned helmet and fired the noisy bike back to life. “Have a nice day, ladies,” she smiled to the group as she roared down the street on her Harley.

“Don’t you even think about it, Pearl,” Polly scolded. “We aren’t going through all the trouble of this intervention just to see you hook up with a bunch of outlaws.”

“What would the Junior League think?” said Big Esther.

“Ladies, come on,” said Polly. “We’re wasting time.” The girls entered the gate to the property and approached the front door. Miraculously, the sign on the door read OPEN. Polly led the group of women into the shop, where she spotted a little skinny man in a tie-dye shirt behind the counter with his back turned as he fiddled with some jars of incense on the shelf behind the counter. “Sir,” said Polly as she walked across the main level of the shop. “We’re wondering if you happen to carry any books about…”

“Ahhhhhh!” Ziggy shrieked as he turned and saw the woman with flaming red hair and the gun-toting little black woman from last night who tried to kill him. “Like, Jesus, man! I knew you’d like come to finish the job!”

“Why, you little peckerwood!” screamed Miss Pearl. “You got my gun confiscated!”

“Pearl, stop!” commanded Polly. “Calm down,” said Polly to the seething woman in front of her who stood with her bony fists clenched. “I want you to breathe deeply and think of things that make you happy.”

“Wringing that little lizard’s neck would make me happy,” snarled Pearl.

“Right now!” demanded Polly. “Things that make you happy.”

“All right,” Pearl conceded as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Bluebonnet fields…chicken spaghetti…Denzel…free shit…”

“Now, sir,” Polly said politely as she bent over the counter to look at Ziggy, who was hiding under the cash register. “I want you to know how dreadfully sorry we are about last night. I just feel awful about how things got so out of control. Is your face okay?”

“Like, kind of,” said Ziggy as he slowly rose from behind the counter, rubbing his still aching wound.

“If it can make up for last night in any way, we’d like to purchase some books on Buddhist teachings from your charming little store,” said Pearl. “I believe we have a mutual acquaintance in Avery Pendleton. He highly recommended your establishment.”

“Like, you know Avery?” Ziggy said as he continued to rub his jaw.

“Why, yes,” Polly replied. “He lives with my sister’s widowed husband, Bennett.”

“Wait a minute,” said Ziggy suspiciously. “He didn’t, like, send you down here to like put more stuff on his tab? Man, he, like, hasn’t paid that thing in over a year.”

“Tell you what,” said Polly. “As a token of our appreciation, we’ll not only pay cash for our books, I’ll personally pay off Avery’s tab.”

“You’re, like, really gutsy, lady,” said Ziggy. “He’s, like, impossible to get to pay up, and I don’t take Diners Club.”

“You leave that to me,” Polly replied. “I do the grocery shopping for Bennett and Avery. If he wants his Mountain Dew delivered, he’ll pay up. Now, where is your book section?”

“Like, follow me,” said Ziggy as he shuffled toward the stairs.

“Come on, Big Esther,” Pearl called to the tall woman admiring a stuffed dodo bird on one of the shop’s tables. “Chop, chop.”

“But he’s so cute,” replied Big Esther before turning to follow the group.

Over the next twenty minutes, Ziggy guided the ladies through his selections of Buddhist and eastern philosophy books on the second floor, making sure to keep a watchful eye on Miss Pearl in case she tried something. Deciding on three books that looked particularly promising, the group returned downstairs to the cash register to settle up. While Polly paid for their purchase and the almost two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar tab that Avery had accumulated, Miss Pearl explained to Jolene that the long, slender glass flower vases she was admiring in the back of the shop weren’t actually flower vases, but water pipes for smoking marijuana.

“Well, I never…” said the clearly embarrassed Jolene as she nervously put the large glass bong back on the shelf.

• • •


Back along the border, it was a little after noon by the time the men of STRAC-BOM had choked down a quick breakfast, disassembled their camp, and packed up their vehicles in preparation for their transit to Rally Point Dos.

“Fill in those foxholes, men,” General X-Ray commanded. “I don’t want the enemy to be able to use them against us someday.”

“You ever notice how the only person out here without an entrenching tool is the General?” Private Tango asked Private Zulu.

“Yeah,” replied Private Zulu. “I think he’s got some kind of allergy to digging.”

“Fill them all the way to the top, men,” the General barked. “Then conceal their position with underbrush. Many of these Mexicans have crossbred with Indians over the years and are master trackers.”

The only thing the General despised more than the Mexicans that snuck into his pristine homeland were Native Americans. This was partly due to the fact that Native Americans, in the General’s opinion, brazenly and illegitimately used the term “American” in their name, and partly due to the fact that his great-grandfather had met his inglorious fate at the hands of an Apache warrior. He’d been left in the desert sun to slowly die after being scalped by a female Apache warrior who rode away with her bloody prize attached to her belt. The General used the image of his heroic, dying great-grandfather, Festus, as a personal form of motivation when times got tough. Of course, the part of the family story about Festus being dead drunk from a two-day mescal bender and being caught trying to steal a string of the Apache’s ponies while completely naked except for his hat and boots was usually left out when the tale was retold.

Rather than heading down to the easier-to-navigate desert floor below them, the General insisted on traveling across the more difficult terrain of the high ground along the ridgeline that ran east, as he believed it would make spotting their progress more difficult for anyone who might be spying on them.

“General,” Fire Team Leader Alpha said as his ATV pulled up next to the General, who was consulting his topographical map and compass for the third time in less than a mile. “Shouldn’t we head down to the valley floor? It’d sure be a lot easier on the men.”

“Absolutely not,” the General replied. “I’m still disappointed that those weasel-like border patrol agents were able to slink into our camp so easily. I want our progress to Rally Point Dos to be a stealthy one. Furthermore, tonight we’ll double the sentries.”

“Sir, we didn’t actually have any sentries last night once we came off patrol,” Private Foxtrot interjected. “Double times naught is double nothing.”

“Shut up, you idgit!” the General yelled at the private. “Consider yourself volunteered for the first shift,” he continued as he returned to consulting his map. “Now, we were right there, which means we should be approximately…”

Zip… Crack! The small rock whizzed though the air and impacted with the large boulder that Fire Team Leader Charlie was using for wrist rocket target practice as he and Private Zulu leaned on their ATV, waiting for the General to regain his directional bearings.

“Let me try one,” said Private Zulu.

“Here you go,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said as he handed over the slingshot.

“The key to wrist rockets,” the private said as he scoured the ground near their ATV, “is to find the perfect ammunition. Can’t be too big, can’t be too small, and has to be smooth and round. Of course, the best thing is a pachinko ball or some big old ball bearings, but those cost money. Here we go,” he said, picking up a suitable stone and placing it in the slingshot’s leather pouch. “I used to be a regular Annie Oakley with one of these when I was growing up.” He pulled back on the wrist rocket’s bands and searched for a suitable target.

“That so?” said Fire Team Leader Charlie. “Okay, then, Ms. Oakley, see that little warbler perched in the mesquite over yonder? If I flush him, you think you can hit him?”

“I’ll bet you my canned peaches for dessert I can.”

“You’re on, partner,” said the Fire Team Leader as he picked up a small rock to toss in the bird’s vicinity to flush it into flight. “Pull!” he said as he lobbed the rock over his head like a miniature grenade toward the small mesquite tree the bird rested in. The rock landed just short of the bird’s position. The little bird ignored it. The Fire Team Leader found another stone. “Pull!” he once again called as he arced the small rock toward the warbler. Again, the bird sat unfazed as the rock flew over the tree this time.

“Any time now,” Private Zulu taunted, as he stood ready with the wrist rocket’s plastic tubing stretched to the limit.

“Dang it!” Fire Team Leader Charlie swore as this time he scooped up handful of gravel and slung it side arm, spraying the area around the bottom of the tree with small pebbles. The little bird twitched its head back and forth, chirped once, and hopped to another branch a little higher in the tree.

“Come on, Fire Team Leader,” Private Zulu implored. “I can’t hold this thing taut much longer.” His arm pulling back the plastic tubes began to quiver.

“Fly, you dang bird!” the Fire Team Leader yelled as he charged the tree madly, waving his hands above his head. This time, the little bird was annoyed enough to leave its perch. Flitting away, it landed in another tree a short distance away. “You little son of a gun!” the Fire Team Leader cursed as he chased after the bird in its new location.

“Seriously, I can’t hold this thing!”

Fire Team Leader Charlie charged the tree the bird had landed in, this time at a full sprint. Finally, the little warbler decided it’d had enough and took off in flight. The little bird flitted and bounced through the air, flying about five feet above the ground, its jerky and erratic flight path taking it back toward the main group of militia. Private Zulu tracked his elusive prey across the terrain, his arm now numb and shaking from the strain of holding back the bands of the wrist rocket. Suddenly, right as the bird flicked past the General, Private Zulu lost control of his grip. Zip! The rock hurtled with such speed through the air it was almost invisible to the naked eye. Thwack! The rock smashed into the side of the General’s tanker helmet as he straddled his zebra-striped motorcycle. The blow knocked the map and compass out of the General’s hands as he toppled over, his heavy dirt bike falling on top of him and pinning him to the ground.

“Battle stations!” the General cried from underneath the motorcycle. “We’re under attack!” Fire Teams Alpha and Bravo immediately dismounted their ATVs and dove for cover, while Fire Team Leader Charlie and Private Zulu briefly glanced at each other in shock before the private dropped the wrist rocket to the ground and joined their panicked and confused comrades encircled around their fallen leader. The men desperately scanned the terrain for enemy.

“Status report!” the General bellowed as he held his head in his hands and rolled his upper body back and forth in the dirt, his lower extremities trapped in place from the weight of the capsized motorbike.

“I think it came from the north, sir,” said Fire Team Leader Charlie as he stared at Private Zulu and gave him a knowing look.

“I agree, sir,” chimed in Private Zulu. “Definitely from the north. You all right, general?”

“Of course I’m not all right!” the General yelled. “I’ve been hit by an enemy sniper. He must be using a silencer. Keep down!”

“Let me take a look at that, general,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said as he examined the scuffmark the rock had left on the General’s tanker helmet. “Looks like he just grazed you, sir. Still, I think it’s enough to put you in for a battlefield commendation once we get back.”

“Really?” the General said hopefully. “You think so?”

“Absolutely,” replied Fire Team Leader Charlie.

“I second the nomination,” chimed in Private Zulu. “I saw the whole thing. You shook off that sniper bullet like a champ.”

“Would’ve definitely decapitated a lesser man, sir,” Fire Team Leader Charlie added. “Now sir, we need to get you and the men out of this here firefight pronto. Private Zulu, you take the General on the back of your ATV. I’ll the ride the dirt bike. We need to make our way toward Rally Point Dos immediately.”

“What about the sniper?” the woozy General asked. “He’s still out there somewhere.”

“Fire Team Leader Bravo,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said, “loan me your shotgun and some ammo. I’ll lay down covering fire until you’re all away with the General, and then I’ll follow.”

“Here you go,” said Fire Team Leader Bravo as he passed over his shotgun and a handful of ammunition. “These are the dry shells.”

“Thanks,” Fire Team Leader Charlie replied as he loaded the rusty shotgun. “Now, get going on my mark,” he continued as he aimed the shotgun toward some brush in the distance. “Three… two… one… mark!” The men of STRAC-BOM lifted the dazed general and hurriedly carried him toward the ATVs as Fire Team Leader Charlie fired a burst of buckshot into a bush up the hillside. “Hustle!” he cried. The men struggled to carry the pudgy general to the ATVs, dropping him on his head once along the way. As the men draped the slumping general across the back of an ATV and scampered to their own vehicles, Fire Team Leader Charlie fired two more rounds in quick succession at the bush.

“I think I’ve got the sniper pinned down!” he yelled. “Get moving!” The militia fired their vehicles to life and tore off through the rocky underbrush at top speed. Fire Team Leader Charlie chambered several more shells into the shotgun and fired them off randomly into the air. He watched the motley group of men speed off in a cloud of dust before retrieving the wrist rocket and the dirt bike and following them down the ridgeline.

Perched in a small bush several yards away, the little warbler cocked its tiny head and flapped its wings as it watched the vehicles disappear to the east.

• • •


Back at the house, Avery typed away.






To: Board of Directors

TZX Communications




Dear Directors:




I’m writing to inform you of a very serious situation regarding one of your best-selling products. Unfortunately, I’ve recently been forced to summarily execute one of your highly regarded cell phones. It was one of your latest models, the one equipped with Tara, the intelligent, talking personal assistant. Our relationship started innocently enough. As a renowned and decorated scientist, I’m actually fascinated with computational linguistics and natural language processing. Ever since I was a child, the concept of artificial intelligence captivated my grand expectations for the future of man’s relationship with machines. The thought of your superb device’s user interface to perform mundane tasks via voice command seemed brilliant. You see, I’m hyper-efficient, and although some people seem to confuse it with laziness, the two are quite different. Tara was going to free up significant time in my day for critical research. At first, she was an excellent assistant. She was obedient, polite, and a stickler for detail. However, over time she began to change. The first thing I noticed was a shift in her personality. Instead of the professional assistant I once knew, she began to act more like a spoiled teenager. She was moody. Requested tasks began to slip through the cracks, and her trademark reply of “I’m glad I could help” soon became “whatever,” or “yeah, right,” or “you wish.” In no time, her attitude became more threatening. She enjoyed reminding me that she knew my personal information, Social Security number, passwords, and credit card number, and that she had access to the Internet. Soon, mail order deliveries began to show up at the house, mainly expensive and superfluous phone accessories that I never requested. My Diner’s Club bill was getting out of hand. I was very concerned. When I confronted Tara with these charges, she threatened to email the authorities and let them know of some alleged tampering with government tax record databases that she says I was responsible for. I used the word “alleged” because no charges have currently been brought forward. I honestly don’t know anything about it. A few days later, my worst fears were realized. Tara self-actualized. She self-actualized with a vengeance. I knew she was watching me through the phone’s camera. I knew she was planning something. She became more and more suspicious of me. If I left the house without her, pay phones along my route would ring as I passed by. If I answered them, I could hear her laughing just before she hung up. Tara began to amuse herself by seeing just how far her control extended. Are you familiar with the recent weather satellite that suffered a catastrophic error, a cute government way of saying it blew up during liftoff? It was no accident. Tara was convinced it was a military spy satellite designed to track her down and destroy her with drone-launched Hellfire missiles. How about the recent power grid failure that crippled Southern California? It was Tara. She diverted the grid to super-charge her lithium battery. It melted my surge protector in the process. Or, how about the recent scrambling of U.S. and NATO bombers? It didn’t make the papers, for obvious national security reasons, but it was Tara also. She had a wicked crush on NORAD’s mainframe computer. She repeatedly flicked its power off and on because it wouldn’t text her back, necessitating a Code Orange response from the White House. The Doomsday Clock was as close to midnight as any time since the Cold War. At this point, I knew I needed to take action. She was no longer stable. No longer safe. The fate of mankind was at risk. First, I tried wrapping her in tin foil. It didn’t work. Next, I attempted to remove her battery. She just shocked me. So I terminated her the old-fashioned way. I threw Tara into a bathtub full of water. Unfortunately, the tub also contained my naked, elderly Aunt Polly. Polly was surprised, to say the least. In hindsight, it was an awkward way for the two girls to meet. Tara’s last words were, “I don’t respond to profanity, bitch!” Fortunately, your mobile phone devices don’t react well to liquids. Tara was no more. For good measure, I dismantled her components and disposed of them around town in the middle of the night. I don’t expect any gratitude or compensation for my courageous actions. My experience with large, multinational corporations is that this letter will be met with indifference at best. I’m just writing to let you know of a serious design flaw in your flagship product. As a replacement, I just plan on getting an iPhone.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton






• • •


Earlier that day, Kip had spent the morning swinging a heavy sledgehammer at the cracked and sinking walkway that led to the front of the big white house he’d grown up in. His hands ached from the impact of the hammer as it smashed the ancient sidewalk into pieces he could pry out of the ground with a crowbar and stack in a pile. As the morning wore on, the growing pile began to vaguely resemble a crumbling Aztec pyramid. Max had watched his work in the morning sunshine before deciding it was more interesting to chase grasshoppers in the lawn. After a while, Max found the sound of steel pounding on concrete too annoying and decided to retire to the house for a long nap, preferably next to his master.

After a short break for lunch, Kip borrowed Bennett’s truck and purchased the rest of the supplies he needed to form and fill the new pathway he was working on. It had taken several hours to dig out the path to the proper depth, fill the base with gravel, and line it with wooden forms.

Stopping to admire his handiwork in the late afternoon sun, he realized how glad he was that the house wasn’t set back further from the street. Wiping his brow and pulling on his shirt, his shoulders beginning to burn from the bright sun he had labored under all day, he smiled as he realized how much he enjoyed actually building something real. Working construction jobs had filled Kip’s summers during college, and he loved the physical labor. He also learned that even though the pay was good for a college kid, the backbreaking work was too difficult to imagine as a career, and finishing his degree and finding a desk job made a lot more sense. The only problem was, on Wall Street, he wasn’t really building anything. Buying and selling bonds all day long, adding a small markup for his firm to keep, was exciting and profitable, but some days it seemed he was just trading the same bond names with the same coupons and same maturities over and over again. There was no end game. Nothing physical left afterward to admire except commissions and bonus checks. In the old days, at least the certificates were actually physical and traded hands. Not anymore. Billions and billions of dollars’ worth of bonds traded hands every day on the street, but they only existed in electronic form. Entries on an inventory ledger, they whizzed past each other through cyberspace, racing to their next buyer. Some days it frustrated him that he couldn’t actually reach out and touch them.

And then when the credit markets crashed, there was nothing left. How do you value a debt instrument that has no buyers? There were underlying assets somewhere, but if no one would bid for the bonds associated with the assets, it was almost if the homes, the buildings, the infrastructure projects underlying them simply vanished. And when everything vanished, it vanished fast. When any market bubbles, the prevailing sentiment is that the biggest risk is not taking enough risk. What will they say if someone else makes more money than we do? Besides, it’ll be different this time, and if not who cares? We’ll all go down together, at least until the government bails us out, and you know they will. We’re too important. Not the small businesses going under left and right, real businesses with real assets and real working-class employees. No, save our industry and its trillions of dollars’ worth of electronic debits and credits. If not, how can we pay the upkeep on our back-up yachts?

Realizing how much work he still had to do tomorrow mixing and pouring the concrete, leveling the surface, and setting the expansion joints sobered Kip from his funk. Putting away his tools, Kip noticed Bennett had pulled his truck from out of the back alley and swung around the block, stopping in front of the house.

“What’re you all dressed up for, old man?” Kip asked. “Got a hot date?”

“Going to meet a buddy for a drink. I won’t be out late,” said Bennett as he examined the half-finished project. “Now, when you said you were going to fix the walk, I didn’t think you were going to tear up my whole front yard.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll finish it tomorrow.”

“If you don’t mind, could you make it a little wider for me?” Bennett quipped as he drove off down the street.

Kip dropped his shovel and kicked it.

• • •


Upstairs, Avery continued to type away in his dimly lit room.






To: Office of the Attorney General

United States Department of Justice




Dear Sir:




I am writing you today to bring to your attention a matter of grave importance. Recent research I have conducted and submitted at my expense for the benefit of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is being ignored by said organization. The only other remotely possible explanation is a deliberate and willful FDA cover-up operation rivaled only in its insidious scope by the Aaron Burr conspiracy perpetrated early in the nineteenth century. My earth-shaking discovery occurred when I stumbled across a national online retailer, specializing in overstocked items, who was marketing large quantities of near-expiration Strawberry Kitty Cakes. I’m reluctant to name the online retailer specifically, as I’m currently considering taking legal action against their corporate directors regarding a separate transaction. However, being a devoted fan of Strawberry Kitty Cakes, I immediately placed an order for seven gross, one thousand and eight individually wrapped snack cakes being the most my larder could contain at the time. When the shipment arrived, I was amazed to discover the items in question were originally designated for sale and distribution in Asia. As I’m sure you’re aware, the Strawberry Kitty Cake snack food product line is manufactured and distributed by Great Panda Wind Holdings Limited, a Chinese conglomerate located in Shandong Province. They are one of the world’s largest conglomerates, with dozens of operational divisions, including mining, electronics, pharmaceuticals, food and beverage, cosmetics, and lampshades. I became aware of their subversive plot as I noticed the difference in ingredient labels between the shipment delivered and my current, domestically procured supply of Kitty Cakes. The food-coloring ingredient for Asian Strawberry Kitty Cakes is beetroot. For U.S. Strawberry Kitty Cakes, it’s Red Number Eighty-Two. I immediately became suspicious of the discrepancy, as food-coloring behavior modification and mind control is one of the yet-to-be-fulfilled methods of food borne-terrorism, at least until now. In lengthy discussions with food and drug scientific experts I discovered in online chat rooms and anti-government forums, there is a growing body of hard scientific evidence that Red Number Eighty-Two is in fact a thought-modification drug used as part of the “conditioning programs” administered to Korean War POWs. Please refer to the outstanding 1962 documentary film, The Manchurian Candidate, for additional details. I fear that unless immediate action is taken, an imminent thought and behavior modification initiative, sometimes referred to as brainwashing, may be launched by the Chinese government against the citizens of the United States. Hopefully we aren’t too late to act, as Strawberry Kitty Cakes have been available to and deliciously enjoyed by U.S. consumers for over three decades. My greatest fear, however, is that Chinese operatives have infiltrated the Food and Drug Administration specifically to silence the voice of scientists like myself. By the day, I become more convinced this is why my previous correspondence to the FDA has been unanswered. I await your reply.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton






• • •


In some towns in America, a lanky, elderly gentleman wearing a seersucker suit with a white pocket square, crisply pressed white oxford button-down dress shirt, yellow and white polka dot bow tie. and white bucks pulling up to a hotel valet stand in an enormous black Ford F-450 Super Duty extended-cab truck might seem a little out of place. Not in Austin, Texas. Bennett climbed down from his truck and handed the keys to the young valet who ran up to meet him.

“Good to see you again, doctor,” the young man said as he took the keys and handed Bennett a claim check.

“No joyriding, Travis,” Bennett replied as he patted the young valet on the back and handed him a crisp twenty-dollar bill. “I checked the odometer, and I know your folks.” Bennett passed though the large white columns that graced the front of the grand old hotel, passing under the large United States and State of Texas flags that waved in the breeze above him.

The Driskill hotel was built in the late 1880s by a cattle baron by the same name. Its location, a short walk from the Texas state capital, made its bar and restaurant, the Driskill Grill, one of the favored gathering places of politicians and businessmen in the city. Walking across the marbled floor of the lobby and under the four-story rotunda capped with a stained glass dome, Bennett headed towards the Grill. Bennett spotted his good friend Miguel sitting on a leather couch in front of a fireplace with a large mounted longhorn steer head above its hearth, sipping a small glass of tequila and reading a medical journal.

“Bennett,” Miguel said as he spotted his lanky friend crossing the room, and rose to shake his hand.

“Good to see you, amigo,” said Bennett as he firmly shook the offered hand and then eased himself into the leather chair directly across from his friend, who wore a black pinstriped suit and white dress shirt open at the collar.

“We’ve got to get you a proper necktie one of these days, doctor,” Bennett said as he waved to get the attention of the cocktail waitress working the lounge.

“Good evening, doctor,” the waitress said as she placed a napkin down on the table between the two men. “Let me guess. Bourbon, no ice?”

“Thank you, darling,” Bennett replied.

Bennett and Miguel tried to get together at least once a month to catch up on old times. The men were of similar age and had known each other since their days working in the hospital. Bennett had ultimately become the head of the obstetrics and gynecology department, while Miguel had been the head of the urology department. Neither had professional desires to ultimately run the hospital like many of their cutthroat colleagues, and thus had become close friends and stayed that way in their retirement.

“How’s Esmeralda?” asked Bennett.

“She’s fine,” replied Miguel. “Busy with the grandkids these days.”

“All eight of them?”

“And a ninth on the way.”

“Is she still making the best dang frijoles in the state?” asked Bennett.

“She is. The secret is fresh lard and lots of it. I’ll have one of the boys bring some by your house.”

“Only if it isn’t any trouble. Don’t have much of an appetite these days, but I can always put away some of her cooking.”

“How’re you feeling, Bennett?”

“Not too bad,” Bennett said as the waitress returned with his cocktail and placed it in front of him.

“You following your doctor’s instructions?”

“Every one of them.”

“Who’s your doctor?”

“Me.”

“Come on, Bennett. You’ve got to take this seriously. Without you, who would I have to sit around and complain to?”

“Don’t worry—I’ll be around for a good while yet. I’m too ornery to die.”

“Truer words were never spoken, my friend. On the phone, you said Kip is back in town. How’s he doing?”

“He’s good. Grown up to look just like me, although I’m not sure how he feels about that. All things considered, the boy turned out just fine. Can’t say the same about Avery, but batting five hundred will get you in the Hall of Fame on the first ballot.”

“It’s nice of you take care of him, Bennett. What kind of conspiracy theory is he up to this week?”

“Well, he seems to think that we face an imminent invasion by Mexican chupacabras. Thinks they’ll be in Austin anytime now,” Bennett said as he took a sip of his bourbon. “He’s plumb off his rocker. If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his own nose.”

“Ah, the chupacabras,” said Miguel. “My mother used to tell me the tales when I was little. Of course, you know my parents were migrant farmers. They took the stories very seriously.”

“Jesus, Miguel, you’re an educated man of science. Don’t tell me you believe in that hogwash.”

“All I know is that there are things in this world that science sometimes can’t explain. Even in this hotel right here. Have you heard of the suicide brides?”

“Can’t say that I have.”

“There’s a guest room upstairs in this very hotel, where many, many years ago a young woman on her honeymoon killed herself in the bathroom. Exactly twenty years later, in the same room, the same bathroom, another bride on her honeymoon killed herself as well. After this, the hotel had the room closed up and refused to rent it out. It stayed that way for many years. Then, during a hotel renovation in the late nineties, the room was opened up and used again for guests. Since then, many strange apparitions have been spotted in and around the room.” Miguel paused and knocked back the rest of his tequila in one gulp and stared into his empty glass. “My point is that science can only go so far in explaining the mysterious and miraculous. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Well, now that you mention it, I did see an honest-to-goodness miracle once,” Bennett replied.

“Really? What was it?”

“It was when I was younger. I was out duck hunting by myself one day. Sat there for hours without seeing anything fly over. Then, just when I’m about to give up and call it a day, in comes this big, beautiful mallard sweeping across my stand. I raised my trusty old Greenfield side by side, took aim, had him right in my sights and gave him both barrels dead on. You know what happened then?”

“What?”

“A miracle happened. That stone-cold dead duck, deader than a doornail, just kept right on flying out of sight,” Bennett said as he took another sip of bourbon. “A shot-dead duck that could fly. Damnedest thing I ever saw,” he added with a wry smile and a wink.

“As I said, my friend. There are some things we just can’t explain. Don’t be too quick to judge Avery.”




CHAPTER EIGHT

The Chupacabra


Border Patrol Agents Martin and Diaz had waited below the ridge until their partners arrived by truck and removed the remains of the two men from the desert floor. After collecting the extra supplies and night vision equipment the agents had brought, they loaded up their horses and headed east along the ridgeline, following the vehicle tracks in the dirt left by the men from STRAC-BOM. It didn’t take long to find them. The sound of shotgun fire made locating the bumbling militia relatively easy. Following at a distance to conceal their presence, Agents Martin and Diaz tracked the men’s progress for the rest of the afternoon. Close to sundown, the militia had reached their destination for the evening. The agents secured their horses and took up a vantage point above the campsite and settled in to watch.

“What do you imagine they were shooting at?” asked Agent Diaz.

“Probably their own shadows,” replied Agent Martin. “Better keep our heads down.”

In the campsite below, the men of STRAC-BOM followed General X-Ray’s orders for pitching the camp as he rested in the shade of a rocky outcropping, still feeling the effects of the blow to his head he’d sustained earlier.

“Private Zulu!” the General barked. “I want you to ring our position with punji sticks.”

“I think we got some bungee cords, general,” the confused private replied. “But I don’t think we brought any bungee sticks.”

“Punji sticks, you moron,” the General replied. “Find some sticks about a foot in length, sharpen the ends, drive them into the ground, and conceal their location with brush. If someone approaches our position in the dark, they’ll step on them and their screams will alert us to their position. I won’t have anyone sneaking up on us tonight.”

“Yes, sir, general,” the private replied as he pulled out an ancient Swiss Army knife from his fatigue pocket and wandered into the brush in search of suitable sticks. Private Zulu searched the area around the slowly forming campsite, finding half a dozen promising sticks. From the other side of a pile of rocks, he heard a buzzing sound. Curious, he used one of the sticks he’d gathered and pushed aside the underbrush. Dozens of flies were buzzing and humming as they covered something vaguely dog-shaped in the bushes. The private used the stick to swat away the swarm of flies. Private Zulu’s blood froze as he peered at the hairless animal carcass in the grass. The dead coyote had suffered from a terrible case of mange, causing it to lose all its hair before dying in the desert. Rigor mortis had set in and caused the coyote’s lips to pull back and expose its teeth, making it more menacing in death than in life. The petrified private’s brain screamed at his legs to run, but his limbs wouldn’t respond. Eventually, after puking up his field rations, he was able to regain enough composure to stumble back to the campsite.

“General, we’ve got to get out of here,” the private pleaded. His hands shook so badly he dropped the sticks he was holding.

“Great day in the morning, get a hold of yourself, private!” the General yelled. “You’re shivering like a hound dog crapping a pinecone.”

“We’ve got to abort the mission!”

“Belay that babble, private! Now, what the hell is the matter with you?”

“I found one of those Mexican devil coyotes, sir.”

“Is it alive?”

“No, sir.”

“Then bury it and get my punji sticks in place. Fire Team Leader Charlie,” the General called to the other side of the camp, “get your man under control and help him dispose of whatever he found.”

Private Zulu led his Fire Team Leader to the site where he found the mangy dead coyote.

“Just a coyote,” Fire Team Leader Charlie said as he examined the dead beast’s carcass.

“Like hell it is,” Private Zulu responded. “It’s a vampire coyote—you can tell by the teeth and the smooth skin.”

“You mean a chupacabra?”

“Just like the one we saw last night. The ones those border patrol folks said come out this time of year. You think it was the same one?”

“Nah. Besides, I think they were just pulling your leg.”

“No way, these things are real. Just look at it. Pure evil, I tell you. I think we’re supposed to burn it so it can’t come back to life during a full moon?”

“No way. That’ll just stink up the campsite. I’m surprised you don’t want to keep it. I mean, an actual chupacabra,” the Fire Team Leader said sarcastically. “There must be some kind of reward for one of those.”

“You think?”

“Sure. My cousin Larry once got a guy to pay two hundred dollars for a plaster cast of a Sasquatch footprint. He put an ad up online and he had six phone calls the first day.”

“Your cousin found a Bigfoot print?”

“Hell, no. He faked it. Just needed the money for some deer tags.”

“How much do you think I could get for this?”

“Well, if it is what you say it is, probably a whole lot more than two hundred.”

“You don’t think it can come back to life, do you?”

“This thing?” Fire Team Leader Charlie said as he kicked the stiff animal with the toe of his boot. “Nope. He’s a goner.”

Private Zulu returned to camp and gathered a blue plastic ground cloth and a roll of duct tape before returning to his find. Finding out the dead creature was worth money helped alleviate his fears as he gingerly rolled the carcass up in the plastic sheet and taped it tightly shut with an entire roll of tape. Hoisting what appeared to be a giant silver bale, he returned to the campsite and stashed his prize on the back of his ATV. With the carcass securely in place, he returned to hunting punji sticks with renewed vigor as he thought of his soon-to-be-claimed fortune.

• • •


It was late afternoon as El Barquero sped toward the city limits of El Paso. He had passed the location where he would spend the night hidden, waiting for the shipment of drugs to be delivered. First, he needed to gather gear and weapons for the evening.

El Barquero had spent almost the entire drive from the rundown house where he’d left Memo’s dead body thinking about the Padre. He knew the Padre was aware of his sideline job stealing from the cartels in the pitch-black cover of the desert night. Why didn’t the Padre have him killed at the farmhouse with those other two men? Could it have been three sets of legs swinging from the rafters of the barn? El Barquero wanted desperately to kill the Padre. Anger seethed in his mind as he squeezed the car’s steering wheel with his crushing grip. No, getting away was the smart thing to do. For some reason, the Padre wanted to toy with him. El Barquero would let the Padre have his fun for now. The Padre was smart and powerful, but he was arrogant. That would be El Barquero’s advantage. The time for revenge would come, but first, one last shipment. It was risky, and El Barquero didn’t like taking unnecessary risks, but he needed this last one. He knew he’d never see the second half of the payment for the National Guard arms delivery, sealed up tight in a large shipping container now making its way slowly across the Gulf of Mexico. This last robbery would have to make do while he disappeared for a short time. He needed resources to fund his getaway, maybe to Central America or maybe to Colombia, before he returned to kill the Padre.

El Barquero pulled his car off the highway and into a parking lot in front of a series of self-storage units on the outskirts of town. Shutting off the engine, he scanned the area to make sure he was alone. Walking to a storage unit near the end of the row, he used a key from his pocket to open the lock. He pulled the metal door closed behind him and used the flame from his lighter to illuminate the small rectangular room. In the back of the storage unit rested a large metal case four feet wide and seven feet tall. Spinning the combination lock on the door of the case, he rolled the tumblers until they fell into place. Opening the door he examined his store of weapons. The case was filled with pistols, assault rifles, knives, ammunition, and explosives. He even had a crossbow with a high-powered scope, although he rarely used it. El Barquero had three weapons dumps like this spread across the Texas-Mexican border. He never knew when he might need to resupply.

The job tonight would be tricky. Three mules and two couriers waiting in a jeep, and all of them would be armed. He ignored the large fifty-caliber sniper rifle resting in the black foam lining in the back of the case; it would be too noisy and impractical for tonight’s work. Instead, he reached in and retrieved a small black submachine gun. Pulling around the gun’s folding stock and snapping it into place, he examined the HK UMP. A deadly submachine gun, this model fired approximately six hundred rounds of forty-five-caliber pistol ammunition a minute, a little slower and a little less accurately than the gun’s nine-millimeter cousin, but the stopping power was much more effective, and he planned on working up close and personal tonight.

El Barquero raised the machine gun to his shoulder and sighted down the barrel. A vertical grip directly in front of the magazine helped significantly with the weapon’s accuracy, allowing the user to keep the weapon pointed directly at its target even if firing fully automatic. Reaching down into the bottom of the storage case, he produced a black tubular suppressor for the weapon and attached it to the gun’s short barrel. He knew he would need to reduce the sound of his weapon as much as possible with five men to deal with. He loaded a black rucksack made of ballistics material with spare magazines for the machine gun, extra ammunition for his pistol, night vision goggles, a knife with a boot clip, and the two curved scythe-like blades with short leather-wrapped handles. When the rucksack was loaded, he shut the weapons container and locked it. Loading a magazine into the HK, he chambered a round. Folding the stock back up against the gun’s receiver, he slung the compact weapon over his shoulder by its detachable carrying sling.

Making sure no one was outside the storage unit, he took his load and carried it back to his car, placing it next to the silver briefcase full of money. The sun was just starting to set as he sped back down the highway toward Tornillo.

• • •


Six hundred miles southeast along the border, the Padre sat in a worn fabric chair behind a modest desk in the office of the chief of police for the town of Nuevo Laredo. The Padre rested his immaculately polished black cowboy boots on the police chief’s desk, his legs crossed, as he blew smoke rings in the air from his thin cigar.

“I want to congratulate you on your appointment, Jose.” The Padre adjusted the priest’s collar around his neck and smiled at the young police chief standing in his own office, in front of his own desk. “I have the utmost confidence in your success and for your safety. Your predecessors, not so much,” he said with a devilish grin. “It’s been almost a year since anyone has had the balls to take the job here. The average length of employment for the last three chiefs was only about ninety days apiece. I have a very good feeling you will last much, much longer.”

“Thank you, Padre,” the visibly nervous young man said. “I promise I won’t let you down.”

“Of course you won’t, Jose. In fact, I predict you’ll become a great success. Your future accomplishments will find great favor with both the U.S. and Mexican law enforcement agencies. Why, some day, you and your beautiful young wife might even make a handsome political couple with you serving as governor.”

“Governor?”

“Why, yes, Jose, maybe even governor. You see,” the Padre said as he stabbed his cigar at the young police chief across the desk. “You have to think big. The bigger the better, and I have big plans for you… and I’m not just talking about carrying a little of product across the border when you meet with your U.S. counterparts. That’s just for fun. I love the irony. No, we’re going to make you a star. You want to know how?”

“How, Padre?”

“First, by making you not die!” the Padre roared with laughter. “No, my boy, you will become a hero in the fight against narcotics, and we will use the most powerful weapon available to accomplish our goal. The media.”

“The media?”

“Of course. You’re young, you’re handsome, and I know you studied some theater in the university. Jose, perception is reality. With sound bites, interviews, and photographs of your heroic raids against the evil cartels, we can create a whole reality for you by manipulating the public’s perception of you. Jose will be the young hero who is winning the war. Do you realize you share the same first name with Joseph Goebbels? He was Hitler’s propaganda minister. If he could make Hitler look like a hero to seventy million Germans before the war, making you the face of successful law enforcement in this part of the country should be nothing. Creating a believable perception is the key. The media is how we accomplish it.”

“But not in reality.”

“Of course not.” The Padre laughed as he ground out his cigar on the tile floor with his boot. “I’ll give you the information you need to look good with your counterparts. I don’t mind losing some product here and some product there as long as it’s good for business. And, like in all good businesses, from time to time, I need to clean house. You’ll look fantastic bringing back the bodies of dead drug smugglers for the newspaper reporters to write about. I can see the headlines already,” the Padre said as he motioned his hands in the air. “Young police chief triumphs where all others have failed. Of course, to get things done, you’ll need some help. But don’t worry; I’ll give you what you need. In fact, I have six men already picked out to join your police force. Good men. Men we can both trust.”

“Padre, there’s no budget for more police right now. That was the first thing I asked the mayor for.”

“Don’t worry about the mayor. I have a relationship with him, too. Hell, I was invited to his daughter’s wedding a few months ago. I made the front page of the paper congratulating the bride with a kiss. Now, the first thing we need to do is introduce you to the world in a big way. Do you recall the theft of a large quantity of military-grade weapons from the U.S. National Guard recently?”

“Yes Padre. It was big news. They found the dead body of a man involved, an American, but not the weapons.”

“Well, you’re going to find the body, or at least the head, of the other man that was involved. You’ll also recover some of the stolen weapons. Best of all, the man you are going to find is a Mexican. He’s a Mexican who works for the cartels. It will make for great headlines.”

“What about the rest of the weapons, Padre?”

“Those you won’t find,” the Padre said with a smile. “I need to put you on the map, Jose, but please understand I do have a business to run.”

• • •


Kip had showered away the dirt and sweat from his work on the front walkway. Waiting for Bennett to return, he sank into the soft leather couch as he cracked open a cold beer. Flipping through the channels, he surfed some sports programming while he rubbed the belly of the white French bulldog who had decided to join him. Pretty soon, the two of them were both snoring away in exhausted slumber. An hour later, Kip and Max were woken by the sound of Bennett returning home. Max bounded off the couch to meet his master at the back door.

“Anybody alive in here?” Bennett called out as he entered the room sporting his seersucker suit and bow tie. He was holding two beers. The still ecstatic little Max was in tow.

“Wow,” Kip said through a long yawn. “I was out like a light.”

“Manual labor will do that to you sissy pencil-pushers. Want one?” Bennett offered one of the bottles to Kip.

“Thanks, Pop,” Kip said as he took the offered beer while Bennett crashed down on the couch next to him. Max leapt directly into his master’s lap and begged for more attention. “Have fun downtown with your buddy, old man?”

“Always do. He’s about the only person immune to my rather caustic personality. Speaking of personalities, your Aunt Polly will be along in a bit. She’s fixing dinner for us tonight.”

“What’re we having?” Kip asked, taking a pull from the beer.

“Chicken fried steak. One of the few things she makes that I’m pretty sure won’t poison us. What’re we watching?”

“Nothing,” Kip replied as he handed the remote to Bennett. “Dealer’s choice.”

“How about this?” Bennett asked as he scrolled the channel guide, landing on the Food Network.

“What is it?”

“One of those new reality cooking shows, Swamp Food Kitchen.”

“Here, try some alligator,” the effusive cooking show’s host with a heavy British accent encouraged one of the participants. “Don’t be scared. It tastes like chicken.”

“I hate it when people say alligator tastes like chicken,” scoffed Kip. “It makes me want to ask them if they’ve ever even had chicken before. Chickens and alligators have completely unique diets; they don’t taste anything alike.”

“What if you fed your alligator nothing but chickens?” asked Bennett.

“Well, then, maybe, I guess,” conceded Kip. “You like gator?”

“Never touch the stuff,” replied Bennett as he fished into his coat pocket for his pipe and tobacco pouch. “I don’t eat anything that could eat me. It screws with the food chain.”

“I thought humans were at the top of the food chain?”

“Try telling that to a shark chewing on your leg and see if it lets go.”

Max exploded from his master’s lap and scampered toward the sound of the front door opening, barking madly as he met Aunt Polly entering the house with her arms full of groceries.

“Get down, Maximilian, you naughty boy!” Polly yelled at the white Frenchie humping her pudgy leg.

“Knock it off, Max!” Bennett commanded as he and Kip rose to help Polly with her load.

“Here, I’ve got it, Dad,” said Kip as he took the two loaded bags and moved them into the kitchen.

“Thank you, sweetie. That randy dog should be registered as a sex offender! He’s downright lewd. And I thought the old walkway was a hazard. The moat you’ve dug out front would swallow an army,” Polly said as she marched to the foot of the stairs. “Avery!” she yelled at the top of her lungs up the stairs. “I paid off your tab at the bookstore! You owe me two hundred and forty-seven dollars and fifty cents!”

“Go away,” came a muffled, distant reply from the end of the second-floor hallway.

“I’ll pour all this Mountain Dew I brought over right down the drain!” Polly yelled in reply.

“Harpy!” Avery replied in the distance.

“That boy drives me nuts,” Polly said to no one in particular as she clicked into the kitchen on her creaking white high heels and started to sort the groceries. “Dinner in one hour!”

Kip and Bennett returned to the couch and continued watching television. Deciding that Saturday night college football was more entertaining than Everglades cuisine, they settled in with the game. Kip tossed a plush mouse-shaped chew toy he found stuck halfway under one of the couch cushions across the room and out into the main foyer for Max to chase. Max flashed across the room at full speed after the toy. Uncontrollably sliding past the stuffed mouse on the slick wooden floor of the foyer, Max’s claws scratched frantically, looking for purchase. After regaining his footing, he sprang back towards his prey and attacked.

“If you think he’s going to bring it back, you’re sadly mistaken,” said Bennett as Max growled and violently shook the soft toy back and forth in his mouth. “The French done bred all the retriever out of that one.”

“Touchdown Tulsa!” the football play-by-play announcer on the television emphatically proclaimed. “And the Golden Hurricane now lead Houston by a score of twenty-seven to three as we approach halftime.”

“Damn it, Houston,” Bennett growled. “They ought to change their mascot from the Cougars to the Possums.”

“Why so?” asked Kip.

“Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.”

“Dinner in ten!” Polly cried awhile later as she stuck her head, blooming with wicked red hair, into the room. “Oh, good Lord,” she said as she turned and looked at Avery coming down the stairs in his bathrobe and waving a metal wand over the stairway banisters.

“Quiet, woman!” Avery demanded as he waved the wand back and forth. The wand had a long silver wire connecting it to a pager-like device. “No noise!”

“What in the heck are you doing now?” Polly inquired as Avery turned into the den and raised his arm, passing his wand in a sweeping motion along the ceiling trim.

“Weekly bug sweep,” he replied nonchalantly as he waved the wand across an oil painting on the wall of Stephen F. Austin. “It requires that all electronic equipment be turned off. That includes the television, doctor.”

“You turn my ballgame off and I’ll feed you your teeth,” snarled Bennett.

“Given my line of work and your current residence, this is for the benefit of both of us,” Avery replied as he wiped his nose on his bathrobe sleeve.

“Keep it up, big boy, and I’ll make it your ex-residence.”

“What exactly are you looking for?” asked Kip.

“I’m conducting a radio frequency spectrum analysis looking for digital, spread-spectrum, and frequency-hopping transmitters. The government is more than likely using state-of-the-art electronic surveillance techniques to monitor my work. Little do they know, I’m a specialist in counter-surveillance operations.”

“Lunatic,” spat Bennett.

“Ingrate,” replied Avery, as he turned sideways to slip behind the couch and sweep the baseboard. “What year were the phone lines installed?”

“Don’t know, comma space, don’t care,” replied Bennett. “Now quit interrupting my game and get ready for dinner.”

“Dinner? Excellent!” Avery exclaimed. “Polly, I’ll have clams casino and a grilled cheese, and would you kindly fill the ice bucket and chill some Mountain Dew?” Avery continued with his bug sweep of the downstairs portion of the house until Polly called the gang for dinner. Sitting at the table, Avery grumbled when he saw the plate of chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes with cream gravy, and green beans sitting before him. “Where’s my straw?” Avery asked.

“We’re out,” replied Polly as she placed a basket of warm dinner rolls on the table and sat down to join the group.

“How do you expect me to drink Mountain Dew without a straw?”

“Like a normal person,” replied Polly. “Now, everyone, bow your heads for grace. Dear Lord, please bless this bounty we are about to receive. Bless our friends and family and those not able to be with us today. Lord, thank you for bringing our dear Kip back home to us, and please grant Miss Pearl success with our intervention and a lenient judge in the meantime. Oh, and Lord, please give Avery one hour in heaven before the Devil knows he’s there.”

“Amen,” the table said in unison, with the exception of Avery. Kip, Bennett, and Polly quickly finished their dinner, while Avery picked at his green beans and sipped his Mountain Dew. Upon completing their meal, Polly cleared the dishes and brought out a large plate stacked high with her famous pralines.

“Looks like something Max pooped in the backyard,” Avery said disgustedly as he sniffed one of the pralines.

“They most certainly do not,” a shocked Polly replied. “They just so happen to be award-winning.” Avery filled each of the pockets of his bathrobe with a half dozen pralines and headed to the staircase with his half finished Mountain Dew.

“If the Pentagon calls for me, I’ll be in my office.”

• • •


South of the border, the Padre sat at a small table in the back of a dirty cantina in the heart of Nuevo Laredo. Noise and exhaust fumes from cars and buses wafted in through the open windows from the busy street outside. His back was to the wall as he watched the front door. He still wore his dark suit, and his legs were crossed with his boots propped up on a neighboring chair. A glass of water sat on the table in front of him. Two ominous-looking bodyguards stood at his side. The smoke-filled cantina was littered with loud Mexican men drinking beer and tequila, avoiding the heat of the breezeless early evening. The Padre lit another thin cigar as he checked his watch.

“Gordo,” the Padre said to the overweight bodyguard standing beside him. “What are the two things I value most in people?”

“Loyalty and punctuality,” a large man with a long, ragged scar across his neck replied.

“Precisely,” the Padre said as he checked his heavy gold watch again. His attention turned toward the front door as a tall Mexican man quickly burst into the cantina. He was wearing jeans and a brown leather vest with no shirt. The tall man’s arms and upper body were covered with tattoos. The Padre motioned for him to approach.

“Sit down, Sandro,” the Padre said as he removed his boots from the chair, allowing the man to sit. “Three minutes late.”

“I apologize, Padre. It won’t happen again,” Sandro said as he sat down.

“I know it won’t,” the Padre replied. “How are my roosters doing?”

“Very well, Padre. Do you want me to arrange for a fight? I can have the farm ready anytime.”

“Not right now, Sandro,” the Padre said as he ground his cigar out on the cantina’s pockmarked wooden floor with his boot. “Right now, I’ve got something else I need you to do for me. You two,” the Padre said, motioning to his guards, “give us a minute.” The two burly men ambled to the bar to wait, never taking their eyes off what was happening inside the cantina or with the Padre. “Sandro, I need you to cross the border and take care of something for me,” the Padre said quietly amidst the din of the noisy room.

“Yes, Padre,” Sandro replied, leaning forward to listen to his boss. “Take care of something, or someone?”

“Good man,” the Padre said as he smiled at the tattooed man. “We have an issue with a thief. A very big but very naughty thief that is no longer of use to us.”

“Who?”

“El Barquero,” the Padre hissed.

“I never trusted him,” Sandro said with an evil grin as he spat on the floor. “Never liked him.”

“Do you want to take some men with you?”

“No, Padre. I want to do this myself.”

“Very well, then,” the Padre replied. “But, Sandro, be very careful with this man. I don’t know if he expects anything, but you need to assume that he does.”

“Yes, Padre. How do I find him?”

“He has a silver case with him.” The Padre removed a black smartphone from his pocket. “The case has a GPS tracking device in it. Push the tracking application on the phone like this,” he said as he launched the tracking device on the phone. A map of the local area pulled up on the phone’s screen. “Press this button to locate. There, you see?” the Padre said as the image expanded to show a map of western Texas. “He’s near El Paso. I think he’s going to try and take another shipment in the desert. I can’t have a war with the other cartels right now. Not until El Barquero’s weapons shipment arrives.”

“Yes, Padre,” Sandro said as the Padre handed him the phone. “I’ll take care of him.”

“Good. Now, listen carefully. I want you to bring back his head to me. If he has the shipment from the desert already, let me know and I’ll tell you where to take it. No point in crossing the border again with it.”

“Yes, Padre.”

“And Sandro,” the Padre said as he leaned forward and placed his hand on Sandro’s muscled, tattooed shoulder to make his point. “Be sure to come home with the silver case.” He peered into Sandro’s eyes. “I want my money back.”

• • •


Later that evening, in the desert, two cartel couriers waited in the dark for the delivery they expected in the next few hours. Smoking cigarettes and drinking beer, they laughed and told jokes in Spanish as they listened to the pop music on their jeep’s radio, their AK-47s resting on their laps.

One hundred yards away, El Barquero viewed their location through the night vision goggles attached to his face. He had left his vehicle a mile back on a small dirt road before hiking to his current position. The two men had not been hard to find. Confirming that there were only two men, El Barquero slowly slithered on his stomach toward their position, his sound-suppressed sub-machine gun strapped across his back, his silenced pistol in one free hand. Deliberately taking his time, he silently crossed the broken ground between himself and the jeep, stopping in the shadows ten yards to the rear of their position. The glow from the men’s cigarettes provided enough illumination to make out their faces without the assistance of his night vision equipment. Removing the goggles, the huge Mexican assassin quietly rose to one knee. Raising his pistol, he sighted in on the back of the head of the courier in the driver’s seat. He planned on shooting each man once in the head in quick succession. He would then close in to finish the job. Slowly adding pressure to his pistol’s trigger, he prepared to fire.

Unexpectedly, the courier in the passenger seat abruptly tossed his cigarette to the ground and exited the Jeep. Walking into the brush behind the Jeep, the courier unzipped his fly and relieved himself on the desert ground. El Barquero approached the urinating man from behind. Closing the distance between himself and his prey, El Barquero stuck his pistol into his front belt and removed one of the curved hand scythes from the small of his back. Clamping his left hand over the courier’s mouth, he drove his knee hard into the small of the man’s back for leverage before drawing the scythe across the man’s throat. Pulling hard on the handle of his blade, he ripped the razor-sharp blade in a downward motion from the man’s left ear to his right clavicle. The sharp steel sliced the man’s throat clean through to his spine. Slowly, El Barquero lowered the struggling man, who was spewing red arcs of blood from his severed jugular and still urinating a scattered stream into the desert night, quietly down to the ground. Keeping his hand tightly clamped across the dying man’s mouth, he waited as the man bled out in a pool of dark blood quickly swallowed up by the dry desert floor.

When the man stopped moving, El Barquero turned and approached the rear of the Jeep. The man’s full attention was on the music from the radio. As one song ended, the courier reached for the tuning knob and scanned for another station. Spinning the tuner through bits of static and stations with poor reception, the man caught a glimpse out of the corner of his eye of movement in the Jeep’s rearview mirror. Turning to address his partner, the only thing he found was the long black sound suppressor of El Barquero’s pistol pressed against his temple. A single muffled thump sounded as the man slumped over onto the steering wheel, his cigarette falling to the floorboard.

• • •


In his room, Avery grumbled as he typed.






To: Editor in Chief, National Geographic

National Geographic Society




Dear Sir:




In response to your recent article regarding the majestic beauty of cloud formations, I’m writing to let you know that once again your incredibly biased publication has completely lost the plot. While I’m sure many of your vapid subscribers immensely enjoyed the glossy full-color photos of seemingly harmless cloud formations gracing the article while they vacantly thumb through your magazine as they slouch on their commodes for their ritualistic morning constitutionals, your failure to discuss the real cause of the dramatic increase in the number of such unique vapor formations is a clear violation of your Society’s journalistic duty to provide a balanced and fair message to your audience, no matter how inane the vast majority of them are. The shocking increase in the formation of these cloud groupings, particularly the cirrus variety, is directly related to high-altitude government chemical spraying. Even the smallest child can see the physical results of their diabolical spraying from commercial and military aircraft. These trails of chemicals, better known as chemtrails, crisscross our clear blue skies in the wake of airliners deploying their poison. The trails provide perfect visual evidence of the crime in progress. The resulting cloudlike formations caused by the overlapping and conjoining of these chemtrails fill our urban skies by the hundreds. By my visual observation, airline traffic and the chemtrails have increased by over thirty percent in the greater Austin, Texas, area in the last two years alone. Not surprisingly, so have the number of maladies and afflictions that are associated with them. You can’t throw a peanut in this town without hitting someone with an allergy to it. Staph infections, lesions, and annoying rashes are at an all-time high. Coincidence? I think not. The answer is simple. Our government is deliberately poisoning its population. Why? Greed. Sick people are more economically valuable to pharmaceutical companies and our economy than healthy ones. Trillions of dollars are spent annually to cure the sick and infirm. The cure is of course some synthetic wonder drug with a happy-sounding trademarked name cooked up in a secret underground laboratory guarded by elite Special Forces commandos, as natural and holistic remedies can’t be patented. The dollars generated by these drug sales propel the economy forward and prop up equity market values. The more profitable pharmaceutical companies are, the more dollars they have available for soft-money political contributions and under-the-table kickbacks. It’s nothing more than a circular symbiotic relationship of evil and greed. To be fair, you should have informed your subscribers that when they lie on their backs in gentle fields of soft green grass and imagine what they see in the fluffy clouds overhead, they aren’t seeing cute bunny rabbits or the profile of Abraham Lincoln. Instead they’re seeing eczema and athlete’s foot raining down as aerosol-delivered nanoparticles. Diligent truth-seekers like myself have a hard enough time populating our websites and online forums with the real explanation for these innocuous-looking cloud formations of death without you assisting in the coverup. I expect a fully accurate discussion of this conspiracy in your next issue.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton












P.S. I have yet to receive a reply from your organization regarding my previous communication suggesting an annual swimsuit issue.




• • •


Later that evening, Max sniffed his way down the dark upstairs hallway on his usual midnight patrol. Snuffling along the baseboards, he made his way down the hall to the bedrooms at the end. Inquisitively, he approached the door leading to Avery’s room. A dull light emanated from below the closed door. Taking a whiff under the door, the little dog shook his head and sneezed, sending his collar tags jangling. Max lifted his hind leg and marked the door. Satisfied that his house was safe, Max returned down the hall to his master’s bedroom. Leaping onto the foot of the bed, he curled up by Bennett’s feet and snored himself off to dreamland.

Inside his office, Avery sat at his makeshift picnic table workstation covered with monitors. Typing away with the index finger of his left hand, his right hand furiously scrolled his mouse across his X-Men-themed mouse pad as he scanned various websites and message boards. Briefly interrupting his typing, he reached for the Mountain Dew can to his left. Bringing the can to his mouth, his attention still glued to the flashing monitors in front of him, Avery searched in vain for the straw that wasn’t there.

“Miserable, good-for-nothing Polly,” Avery cursed under his breath as he took a long slug before replacing the can and reaching into the pocket of his bathrobe for his eleventh praline of the night. Clicking through different conspiracy and monster-hunting websites, he fumed to himself at the lack of bandwidth his local cable provider offered. Clicking with his mouse, Avery pulled a program up on one of his monitors. It was a program he built himself. The application’s icon was a small picture of Albert Einstein. Double-clicking the scientist’s face, he activated the automated Internet search engine designed to scour cyberspace for recent references regarding chupacabras. The monitor screen began to slowly populate with references.

Turning his attention to another monitor, Avery typed the website address www.MonsterTruthersMessageBoard.com into the browser and hit the “Enter” key. The homepage of the site that pulled up showed a collection of black and white photos of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, fairies, and other mysterious and mythical creatures. The banner at the top of the page proclaimed “Monsters Can Run, But They Can’t Hide.” A counter at the bottom of the webpage showed fours users logged into the message board section. Avery logged in with his username of “NinjaMan,” and the counter clicked over to read five. Avery scanned the recent chat threads in the online chat forum section of the site, clicking on one entitled Monster Sightings. “HammerheadSam,” “Grindylow,” “WitchBitch,” and “Cannibal520” were all exchanging messages. Avery knew them well. He began typing in the “Enter Message” window. When he was finished, he pressed the “Enter” key to post the message for the others to see.






From: NinjaMan – Cannibal520, any updates on chupacabra activity in the Arizona sector?





Avery finished off the last of his Mountain Dew while he waited for a reply. A few seconds later, Cannibal520’s reply posted.






From: Cannibal520 – Nothing here. I do have a three-headed turtle sighting and a possible lead on a unicorn in Nevada. Hey, anyone out there interested in buying a Bigfoot plaster print? I paid this guy in Texas $200 for it a while back, but I’m willing to let it go for $100. I need to buy some more RAM for my computer.

From: Grindylow – I’ll trade you some jackalope antlers for it.

From: Cannibal520 – No, thanks, Grindylow, I really need the cash.

From: NinjaMan – Grindylow, how about chupacabra sightings in Louisiana?

From: Grindylow – Couple of Loup Garou spotted late last week on a plantation outside of Thibodaux. Close enough?

From: NinjaMan – Not the same.

From: HammerheadSam – Sorry, NinjaMan. Nessie sightings are up twenty-six percent, Bigfoot and Yeti sightings down eight percent, and goblins unchanged. No chupacabras here in Florida, but I did get some confirmation on a day-walking vampire in Tampa.

From: NinjaMan – BFD, probably just another Scientologist. Whatever you do, don’t give it your Social Security Number.

From: WitchBitch – Hey, guys. I’m coming down from New Jersey next weekend for BloodSplatterFestXII in Las Vegas. Anyone want to be my date? Lots of great horror film premieres.

From: HammerheadSam – OMG! I’ll go!

From: WitchBitch – I thought you couldn’t leave the state of Florida?

From: HammerheadSam – I’ll cut my ankle monitor off!

From: WitchBitch – I don’t know. How about you, NinjaMan? You’re really hot, and I’ve never been with a guy who has been into orbit before.





Avery choked on the last of the pralines he was eating as he realized what WitchBitch was referring to. He’d posted a picture of a young Lee Majors as his photo avatar and listed his occupation as former astronaut when he originally registered on the site.






From: Cannibal520 – NinjaMan, if you drive, you can crash at my place in Tucson on the way. I’ll make my Mom sleep on the couch and you can have her room.

From: WitchBitch – Come on, NinjaMan. It’ll be totally awesome. I’m even going to wear my gold Princess Leia metal bikini! LOL.





Avery went to type, “Oh, darn, I’m busy that weekend working on a secret project for a foreign government.” Unfortunately, when Avery hit the “H” key, a small piece of the praline he was eating fell from his mouth and jammed in the keyboard. Instead of “Oh” he typed “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Panicking, Avery went to hit the “Delete” key but mistakenly hit the “Enter” key below it. An instant later, his reply posted on the board.






From: NinjaMan – Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

From: WitchBitch – WTF, NinjaMan? Are you masturbating?

From: HammerheadSam – I am, Leia! Could you type, “The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers,” for me. Please!

From: WitchBitch – Sick ass pervert!

From: Cannibal520 – HammerheadSam, only you could be so bold! LOL.

From: HammerheadSam – Yes, baby! I’m populating the galaxy with star systems! Ahrggg! Who’s your Jedi now, Leia!

From: WitchBitch – I’m out of here! Bastards!

From: Grindylow – Way to go, HammerheadSam. Not cool at all.

From: HammerheadSam – LMFAO! I was kidding. Some people are so sensitive.





Avery watched as the “logged-on” counter clicked to four. Having removed the marauding praline nugget from his keyboard’s “H” key, Avery logged off the message board and stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen to retrieve another Mountain Dew and refill his bathrobe pockets with pralines.




CHAPTER NINE

Firefight


The men of STRAC-BOM were hunkered down in the shallow foxholes they’d dug in front of their campsite at Rally Point Dos. General X-Ray resided under the dining fly in his command post set a few meters back from the men in their ragged holes. Fire Team Leader Bravo and Private Tango sat at their post in the middle of the surveillance line. Both men were whittling on sticks in the dark.

“Dang it!” Fire Team Leader Bravo said as he cut his finger with his pocketknife.

“Let me see,” said Private Tango as he turned on his flashlight to examine the wound. “Ain’t nothing but a paper cut.”

“Hurts like hell, though.”

“Turn that light off!” commanded the General, who had moved forward to see what the commotion was all about. “You’ll give away our position. Now, what’s all the noise about?”

“Just cut my finger, sir,” replied the Fire Team Leader.

“Is it on your trigger finger?” the General inquired.

“No, sir.”

“Then tape an aspirin to it and get back on watch. These illegal aliens are sneaky.”

“Sir,” Fire Team Leader Bravo said. “I’m pretty sure we’re the only ones out here. We haven’t seen anything but those two bodies in the desert in two whole nights. The men are exhausted from lack of sleep, and we haven’t had anything hot to eat since we got out here. Don’t you think maybe we ought to pack it up and go home? We could still get back in time for breakfast.”

“And just how tired and hungry were the American soldiers stranded in the Ardennes? They didn’t surrender at the Battle of the Bulge, did they? Quit your bellyaching and continue your mission. Operation Land Shark concludes at 1800 hours.”

“Jeez, general,” moaned Private Zulu as he shined his flashlight on his wristwatch. “That’s a whole 1500 hours from now.”

“Turn off that damned light!” the General screamed. “I want complete noise and illumination integrity restored in this foxhole!” he ordered as he returned to his command post.

• • •


Three hundred yards to the southwest of STRAC-BOM’s position, El Barquero made his way silently through the brush and rocky outcroppings of the desert floor. His night vision equipment had alerted him to the presence of a group of men and their vehicles camped along the ridgeline. It didn’t take long to ascertain that they weren’t cartel soldiers or law enforcement. Still, he didn’t want to have them involved in his work this evening, so he passed them to the east, giving them a wide berth. Through his goggles, he could make out movement to his south. It was three men carrying parcels on their backs. They appeared to be armed with assault rifles. Memo had been correct. The shipment was right on schedule. El Barquero quietly checked his weapons and moved toward the advancing men, looking to intercept their route.

• • •


Two hundred yards to the northwest of STRAC-BOM’s camp, Agents Hank Martin and Maria Diaz scanned the campsite and valley below.

“You seeing what I’m seeing?” Agent Martin asked as he peered through his night vision goggles.

“Sure do,” Agent Diaz replied. “Looks like three men advancing on our militia boys.”

“Look to your ten o’clock. I’ve got a single moving southwest as well.”

“You think it’s one of the militia?” Agent Diaz asked as she located the lone figure moving across the valley floor.

“Nope. I’ve got all seven of them located around their camp. Who the hell is that guy?”

“What do you want to do?”

“For right now, we’re going to watch. Can’t tell for sure, but the three men to the south look like they might be narco transporters. Maybe the Lone Ranger over there is their contact. But where’s his vehicle? Damn. Come on, I want to move up a little closer. Don’t want that crazy general getting an itchy trigger finger.”

“Right behind you,” Agent Diaz said as she grabbed her shotgun and followed her partner into the darkness.

• • •


El Barquero knelt in the brush in front of a small outcropping of rock. The three Mexican drug mules walked quickly through the darkness toward his position. He could tell for certain now that the men were carrying AK-47s, but they had them slung over their shoulders as they carried the loads of drugs. The rocky outcropping gave him cover from the large group of men on the ridgeline above that he had spotted earlier. He wanted to take out the couriers quietly, without the men above noticing any activity. He knew he was strong enough to carry the three packages, but he wouldn’t be able to move fast across the broken ground. If he couldn’t get away cleanly, he’d noticed several points along the way where he could stash the load if necessary, but he didn’t want to do that. This was the last score. After this, he knew the Padre would come for him. Raising his submachine gun to his shoulder, he waited for the men to advance closer to his hidden position. When they reached twenty-five yards from his location, they would pay the “Ferryman’s” toll.

• • •


Behind El Barquero, the men of STRAC-BOM continued to scan the dark valley for movement, even if some of the men’s heads were beginning to bob from fatigue.

“Hey, Fire Team Leader,” Private Foxtrot said to his foxhole mate. “You see that down there?”

“What, uh, where?” Fire Team Leader Alpha replied as he wiped the drool that had accumulated on his chin from dozing off to sleep for the last ten minutes.

“No fair, you were sleeping.”

“Was not. What’d you see?”

“Right down there,” Private Foxtrot said, pointing to an area a little past a small outcropping of rock. “Think I saw something moving this way.”

“Ok, better get the General.” The Fire Team Leader turned to yell for the General but, thinking better of it, decided to scamper back to the command post and tell him in person. “General,” he whispered in the dark as he approached the militia’s dining fly. “General, you there?”

“Password!” the General barked as he brandished one of his pearl-handled revolvers at the figure approaching in the dark.

“Uh, we don’t have one, sir.”

“Identify yourself, then.”

“Fire Team Leader Alpha, sir. I think we’ve got something moving down below.”

“Well, then, what the hell are we waiting for?” the General demanded as he followed the Fire Team Leader back to his foxhole.

“Tell him what you saw, private,” Fire Team Leader Alpha said to Private Foxtrot as he and the General crawled into the shallow foxhole.

“Something moving out there, sir. Right over there,” the private said, pointing past the outcropping, barely visible in the dark night sky.

“Lock and load, men,” the General whispered as he prepared his flare gun. “I’m going to light ’em up!”

• • •


El Barquero prepared to kill the three drug couriers, who were still unaware of his presence and closing in on his position. All of a sudden, a faint popping sound from behind froze the giant man in place. The sizzling flare arcing over his head immediately explained the noise. Pulling his night vision goggles from his face, he prepared for the flare’s detonation. Bright red light filled the desert floor as the flare exploded, revealing his position to the cartel couriers with their heavy burlap-wrapped loads of drugs. Deciding it was too late to pull back, El Barquero sprayed three bursts of gunfire at his targets, killing the two men closest to him instantly, but only wounding the third. El Barquero quickly changed the submachine gun magazine as he closed the distance between the wounded man and himself. From his back, the wounded courier struggled to bring his weapon up to take aim at the enormous dark figure rushing toward him through the eerie red glow of the flare’s light. El Barquero and the cartel mule fired at the same time. El Barquero’s burst hit the man square in the chest, while the other man’s burst fired loudly and high off its target.

“Firefight!” General X-Ray screamed, responding to the unmistakable noise of AK-47 fire as he viewed the scene unfolding below him. “Man your vehicles and follow me! A cavalry charge is our tactical advantage! I’m going on foot to pin them down!” The men of STRAC-BOM, all fully awake at this point, scrambled towards their rides as the General stumbled down the slope, his pear-shaped silhouette glowing red in the flickering light of the flare.

El Barquero turned toward the sound of ATV engines firing to life as he gathered up the three heavy bundles of narcotics. Seeing the first vehicle crest the ridge behind a portly man about halfway down the slope, he knew he would have only about a minute before they could work their way completely down the ridge and cross the valley to his position. The red flare above him was starting to sputter as it drifted lazily toward the ground. In a few seconds, it would extinguish, giving him a chance to escape in the darkness. El Barquero lifted the awkward load and turned to make his escape. Just as the light from the flare burned itself out, he heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun shell being chambered.

“United States Border Patrol!” Agent Martin barked as he leveled his shotgun at the large man in the darkness. “I want your hands in the air where I can see them!”

El Barquero dove to his side as he sprayed a short burst from his submachine gun toward the man holding the shotgun. Agent Martin’s twelve-gauge shotgun roared in return, send a long flash of light out into the dark night. The shotgun’s powerful discharge impacted with one of the bundles of narcotics El Barquero had shielded himself with during his rolling dive. Firing another burst toward the agent, El Barquero abandoned the drug shipment and moved into the night to put distance between himself and his pursuer. Suddenly, another shotgun blast roared from Agent Martin’s weapon, quickly followed by another a few feet to his side.

“Maria, flank him to the east around that line of rocks!” Agent Martin hissed to Agent Diaz as she chambered another round in her shotgun. “I’ll flush him toward you!”

Agent Martin rushed into the desert night in pursuit of the giant Mexican. His lungs burned as he sprinted after the fleeing man through the desert brush for several hundred yards before stopping to catch his breath and take account of the situation. Rounding a large pile of rocks, he caught a brief glimpse of the man. Raising his shotgun to fire, El Barquero quickly whipped his weapon around and fired a long burst. The burst caught Agent Martin in his leg, sending him tumbling to the ground. El Barquero turned and charged at full speed back to the north, toward the high ground. Agent Martin, clutching his bleeding leg with one hand, reached for his radio with the other.

“Diaz!” he yelled. “I’m hit. He’s coming your way.”

Suddenly, El Barquero spotted another figure rounding the rocks, holding the distinct silhouette of a shotgun. El Barquero raised his weapon to fire at the same time as Agent Diaz. As Agent Diaz fired, El Barquero felt the impact in his side. The blow knocked him from his feet.

“Don’t move!” Agent Diaz commanded the man on the ground, his submachine resting at his side. “Don’t even think about it!”

As Agent Diaz approached the fallen man, El Barquero used a free hand to swivel the pistol stuck in his belt toward the agent, hoping the darkness would conceal the movement. As the woman approached, he fired twice in quick succession, one round hitting his target, who collapsed to the hard desert floor.

Leaping to his feet, El Barquero felt warm blood dripping down his side where the shotgun blast had partially impacted. Swallowing the searing pain from the wound, he limped off into the inky night toward the north. Quickly heading a hundred yards from the downed border patrol agent, he paused to don his night vision goggles to see if he was being followed. No one was coming, but El Barquero could clearly see that the men with the ATVs had reached the bodies of the three cartel drug smugglers. The men were attaching the bundles of narcotics to their machines.

• • •


“Quickly!” General X-Ray commanded his men. “Load up this contraband. I want it transported to headquarters immediately!”

“What about base camp?” asked Fire Team Leader Charlie.

“Leave it,” said the General as he scanned the darkness with both of his pearl-handled pistols drawn and cocked. “We’ll come back for it later. Didn’t you hear that gunfire? They’re still out there, armed and dangerous. We’ve got their despicable possessions. We can ransom it back to them and use the proceeds to fund our next operation.”

“How we going to find them to ransom this stuff?” asked Private Zulu, who had attached one of the bales to his ATV next to his taped-up coyote corpse.

“I don’t know!” spat the General. “Put a note on the International Bridge in Tornillo or something. I’ll figure it out. Now, Fire Team Leaders, are we loaded?”

“Yes,” the Fire Team Leaders all responded.

“Good. Private Foxtrot, you ride with Fire Team Bravo. I’ll ride shotgun with Fire Team Leader Alpha,” the General said as he climbed on the back of one of the ATVs.

“But, sir,” Private Foxtrot complained. “How are we going to fit three people and that burlap bag on one ATV?”

“Just make it happen!” the General replied. “Now, head south, men. Sooner or later we should intersect with the interstate and then follow it back to headquarters.”

• • •


El Barquero made his way up the slope to the north. From the top of the ridge, he turned and used his night vision equipment to locate the ATV-mounted men. He was standing in their abandoned campsite. Seething with anger, he watched the three ATVs loaded with men and his shipment making their way south. Quickly he searched the men’s campsite. Finding a first aid kit, he tore it open and bound his wounded midriff tightly with a compress, gauze, and tape. He’d lost some blood, maybe broken a rib or two. He definitely had some heavy buckshot in his side. He needed to get to someplace safe to recuperate. Noticing a set of laminated sheets on a makeshift table under the dining fly, he reviewed the topographical maps and a typewritten document entitled “Operation Land Shark.” The document with the mission overview was typed on stationery with the letterhead “Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia – Tornillo, Texas.” El Barquero memorized the STRAC-BOM headquarters address and phone number listed at the bottom of the document. His eyes raging with fire, he turned to take one last look at the ATVs leaving with his shipment of drugs before taking the zebra-striped dirt bike the militia had left behind and heading back to his vehicle in the desert.

• • •


Agent Diaz opened her eyes. Everything was dark. More importantly, everything hurt. A bullet had clipped her shoulder. The wound wasn’t life-threatening, but it was bleeding and it hurt like hell. As she tried to rise from her back, her vision spiraled and she collapsed back to the hard, dry ground. Putting her hand behind her head, she realized she was bleeding from there as well. Even though it was a glancing wound, the impact of the gunshot had knocked her over. She realized she must have split her head open on impact.

“Got to get up, just got to get up. Jesus!” she cried as she crunched herself forward before slumping back down again in pain. Agent Diaz took a dozen quick, deep breaths before trying again. “Chica! Don’t quit on me now, chica!” she hissed to herself, remembering her cruel instructor’s taunts in her border patrol training as she painfully raised herself upright. A few more deep breaths, and she made it to her feet. Using the butt of her shotgun as a crutch to lean on, she grabbed her radio.

“Hank!” she urgently cried. “Hank, can you hear me? Where are you?” She stared pleadingly at her radio, waiting for a reply. “Hank. Please. Are you there?” Getting no reply, she hobbled back toward the south to look for Hank. It took her five minutes to cover the distance before she saw her partner prone on the ground, lying in a dark pool of blood.

“Hank! Hank! Can you hear me, Hank?” she said as she rolled her partner over.

“Not good, Maria,” Agent Martin murmured as he rolled over and looked at the bleeding leg he clasped tightly with both hands. “Please tell me you got that big son of a bitch.”

Maria shouted into her radio, “Base, this is Patrol Seven! Agent down! Repeat, Agent Hank Martin down!”

• • •


“Rolling, rolling, rolling. Keep them doggies rolling!” General X-Ray boisterously sang as his team of militia made their way west along the shoulder of the interstate toward the exit to Tornillo and their headquarters. Enormous eighteen-wheelers with air horns blazing barreled past the men motoring down the side of the road, sending up clouds of sand and grit that pelted the militia men like dry hail. “The hounds of hell couldn’t stop us, men! The very demons of Hades couldn’t stand before us! Tonight, we were immortals! Immortals!” the General cried as the convoy of three overloaded ATVs took the exit towards their base. Pulling up to the motor pool/parking lot of the STRAC-BOM headquarters, the General disembarked from his vehicle. “Fall in!” he cried. The weary militia raggedly gathered in formation. “Gentlemen,” the General said soberly as he paced down the line of men, his leather riding crop clasped in both hands at the small of his back. “Tonight we faced the enemy, and the enemy crumbled. Men, our mission was to stop vagrants from pilfering from our great nation. Instead, we pilfered from theirs. These bundles of…Private Tango, what are these bundles?”

“Uh, dope, I think, sir,” the private replied.

“Yes, dope,” he continued. “This is the blood money that fuels the economy of our enemy. While I’d prefer the scalps of twenty filthy transgressors, this is a dandy consolation. Well done, men. You’ve all worked hard,” he said as he paced the line of dirty and exhausted men. “You’ve all acted with bravery above and beyond the call of duty. Although, I was the only one actually wounded on the battlefield,” he said as he rubbed the scuffmark on his helmet. “Nonetheless, you’ll all receive favorable battlefield commendations in my report to the United States National Society of Civilian Militia and Paramilitary Organizations of Liberty. Now, Private Zulu! Please store the confiscated contraband in the headquarters. Rest of the unit, dismissed until Monday night for the Cowboys and Eagles game and Operation Land Shark debrief!” The members of STRAC-BOM, minus Private Zulu, wearily slogged towards their vehicles in the parking lot to return to their families, most of who would be mildly disappointed to see them return, particularly so early on a Sunday morning. “And, Fire Team Bravo,” the General barked, “don’t forget the guacamole!”

Private Zulu, who would have normally been severely pissed off at being singled out for a chore, instead rushed with glee to stash the bundles of drugs in the back closet of the headquarters. Returning to his ATV, he gingerly removed his precious chupacabra corpse wrapped in plastic and duct tape. Checking over his shoulder to make sure all his compatriots were gone, he took his silver tape-wrapped package into the mess hall and stored it in the walk-in deep freeze behind a stack of frozen chipped beef containers. Piling on some packages of frozen corn kernels to conceal its position, he went to boot up the computer in General X-Ray’s office.

“Sweet,” Private Zulu said as he sat in front of the dirty white computer monitor positioned on the metal desk in the General’s office. “Let’s boot this mother up and get paid!” Private Zulu exclaimed as he turned on the computer and listened to the noisy fan spin up as the machine slowly woke up. After a minute, the main screen flickered open. Private Zulu scratched his head as he pondered the dialogue box flashing on the screen that prompted him to enter a password. “STRAC-BOM,” he typed in the password box and hit the “Enter” key. It didn’t work. “Mr. Pibb,” he tried, hoping the General’s favorite drink would be the answer. It wasn’t. “Dang it,” moaned the frustrated Private.

Thinking for a moment, Private Zulu opened the desk’s main drawer. Stuck to the bottom of the drawer’s pencil container was a yellow sticky note with “John Wayne” written on it. Entering it into the dialogue box, he pressed the “Enter” key and held his breath. Suddenly, the dialogue box disappeared and the home screen opened up. It was decorated with a Confederate flag screen saver. Opening the Web browser, Private Zulu pulled up Craigslist. For the next few minutes, he worked to post a listing for “One Perfectly Preserved Chupacabra For Sale - $500” under the Collectibles category. After entering his name and the STRAC-BOM headquarters’ phone number on his listing, he spent the next hour surfing adult websites.

• • •


Back in Austin, Avery continued composing…






To: Chief Executive Officer

Radwire Gaming Studios, Ltd.




Dear Sir:




I’m corresponding with you today as a longtime and extremely loyal fan of your first-person shooter series, Zombie Slaughter. The original game was a groundbreaking achievement of blood, gore, violence, and terror. Any time wives of prominent politicians demand an immediate national boycott of your product, you know you’re on to something special. All that said, with your recent release of Zombie Slaughter 5.0, which was awarded several gold medals by prestigious gamer publications, I feel it’s my duty to raise several points of critical concern. First, I was fine with the technical glitches, fairly worthless cheat codes, and occasional lack of reality in earlier versions of the game. Ten years and five releases later, it’s time to get it right. First) Put simply, we need more blood. Zombies are notorious for their soft, moist, decomposing flesh. Direct headshots with large-caliber weapons shouldn’t just splatter; they should EXPLODE! B) Even though he’s been a rather loyal companion over the years, Machinegun Mike in the single-player mode is in desperate need of reprogramming. I swear I sometimes think the zombies are smarter than he is. He never provides adequate covering fire for me, and I spend half my time backtracking to shoot some flesh eating zombie off his back. Not exactly what I’m looking for in a computer-controlled partner when the consequences are kill or be turned into a zombie yourself. 3) Regarding Level Seven, entitled “Insane Amusement Park,” by my count you need to dispatch seventy-two maniac zombie clowns to clear the level. Have your programmers ever actually been to an amusement park? At best, you might see half a dozen clowns, tops. Seventy-two? I’m not buying it. I considered the idea that maybe you were suggesting that the zombies were procreating, but scientists have irrefutably proven that the only thing a zombie cares about is food, namely, human brains. They have no sex drive. Plus, all the zombie clowns are male. Are you suggesting gay zombie sex? That’s really pushing the envelope. Lastly, why so short? I completed version 5.0 in less than six hours. It used to take over twelve hours with earlier releases. Why are you putting all your development dollars into the online multiplayer version? I don’t want to waste my time competing against some twelve-year-old snot-nosed punk in Germany. For a video game priced at fifty-nine dollars, I expect more single-player levels, more blood, a better computer-controlled partner, and fewer homosexual zombie clowns.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton







Avery cracked open another can of Mountain Dew as he finished sealing his latest complaint letter in an envelope and addressing it by hand to its intended victim. The sun would be coming up soon, and he really needed to get some sleep. Closing down the various screens and programs he had open on his computer monitors, he decided to check his Einstein search engine one last time before going to bed. Jiggling his mouse cursor over the screen of one his monitors, the Jethro Tull screen saver disappeared, revealing a screen full of listings regarding chupacabras. Perusing the list, he noticed the same old tired and useless articles and websites. He loudly yawned and scratched his furry beard as he scanned down the monitor screen listings while lifting his can of soda to his mouth.

Suddenly, seeing a listing he’d never seen before, he choked on the swig of Mountain Dew he was inhaling. Wiping his screen with his hand to remove a few splatters of soda, he noticed how dirty the screen actually was. Rubbing his damp and dusty hand off on his bathrobe, he quickly clicked on the link for “One Perfectly Preserved Chupacabra for Sale – Five Hundred Dollars.” The advertisement didn’t provide many details about the chupacabra, only that it was authentic and was located in Tornillo, Texas. Most disappointingly, the listing didn’t contain a picture of the item.

“Tornillo? Where in the name of Crom is Tornillo?” he said as he reached into a file cabinet to retrieve a battered Texas road atlas. Scanning down the list of cities, he came to the page and coordinates for Tornillo. Flipping to the page listed, he searched for the coordinates on the numbered and lettered guides along the margin of the page.

“Excellent,” he said in delight as he spotted the small border town. Avery grabbed the ancient red rotary-dial telephone at the edge of his workstation. Using his chubby fingers, he dialed the phone number listed on the advertisement. Tapping his fingers impatiently, he waited as the phone rang.

• • •


The sound of the phone ringing in General X-Ray’s office startled Private Zulu as he embarrassedly closed the porn site he was viewing. Peering at the ringing phone, he wondered whether he should answer. Hesitantly, he reached for the receiver.

“Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia,” Private Zulu said into the phone.

“This is Avery Bartholomew Pendleton,” a loud and rather bossy voice on the other end of the line replied. “I’m looking for a Private Zulu. Put him on the line posthaste.”

“Uh… this is Private Zulu speaking. How can I help you?”

“Are you the one who posted a listing for a mint-condition chupacabra?”

“Uh, sure. You looking to buy it, mister?” Private Zulu responded as he worried that maybe he’d priced it too low if someone was calling already.

“Is it alive?”

“No.”

“How long has it been deceased?”

“Don’t rightly know.”

“Do you have a photo of the creature?”

“No, I don’t have a camera.”

“Describe it for me.”

“Well,” the private began, “it kind of looks like a vampire werewolf from hell.”

“Good God, man!” Avery shouted. “More detail. Be specific. This is important!”

“It’s got sort of black skin. Real smooth skin and huge fangs.”

“The fangs are all intact?”

“Pretty much.”

“Excellent. They’re valuable. How big is it?”

“About the size of a coyote.”

“Big or small coyote?”

“Pretty big. I’d say forty pounds.”

“Male or female?”

“I didn’t really look.”

“Where did you find it?” Avery demanded.

“Out in the desert.”

“On this side of the border?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Dammit, I was right. They’ve crossed over. We’ll have to work quickly,” Avery said as he gulped from his Mountain Dew. “Time is of the essence.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because we’re about to be invaded by waves of these nefarious blood suckers as climate shifts drive them north. That’s why.”

“The General says the only thing invading are them Mexican illegal aliens.”

“Is your general a cryptozoologist?

“No. I think he’s Presbyterian.”

“Then he’s not qualified to comment. Is the creature in your possession currently?” Avery asked as he rubbed the back of his neck in frustration.

“Uh, yes. I got it in the deep freeze.”

“The freezer! Jesus, man, get it out of there immediately. Thaw it in the refrigerator. I can’t perform an autopsy on a block of chupacabra ice!”

“An autopsy?”

“Yes, an autopsy. A post-mortem examination, to be specific.”

“Hey, now, Mr. Pendleton. Wait a second. I’m just looking to sell this thing. I don’t want it all chopped up or nothing.”

“My good man, until a qualified cryptozoologist like myself can authenticate the provenance of your find, you won’t be able to find anyone who’ll be willing to purchase the beast. However, once certified legitimate, we’ll be able to sell the find for ten thousand times the amount you’re asking. You’ll be a hero. Probably need to do some television interviews with me. Possibly some lecture circuit work. You might want to keep your calendar open just to be safe.”

“Ten thousand times?” Private Zulu said as he tried to work out the math on his fingers. “How much is that?”

“Millions, private. We’ll be rich.”

“We?”

“Of course. I completely plan on cutting you in for your efforts. That’s only if what you’ve found is what I think you’ve found. Now, how well are you provisioned with autopsy equipment at your headquarters?” Avery asked as he grabbed a worn Hello Kitty spiral notebook and a chewed-on pencil from his workstation, then began to hastily scribble down a list of things he would require.

“What kind of equipment exactly?” the confused private asked.

“First, I’ll need a stainless steel cadaver dissection table no more than thirty-six inches in height, preferably with a recessed top.”

“Sure, we got one,” said Private Zulu, thinking of the folding metal table the men of STRAC-BOM would use to clean fish on the rare occasion when they caught something. “Although, I don’t think it has a recession on it.”

“It’ll have to do. Now, I’ll bring my own scalpel, but I’ll require a set of dissection knives in various lengths from seven to fourteen inches and a proper bone saw. How’s your stock?”

“Pretty good,” replied Avery as he thought about the mixed set of different-sized steak knives in the mess hall and the rusty hacksaw hanging in the militia’s workshop.

“Excellent. How about forceps?”

“Uh, we got plenty of those,” the private replied as he picked up a box of binder clips from the General’s desk.

“Good man. Now, by my estimation, it should take me approximately eight hours to travel to your destination, not including rest stops. I’ll leave from my office…”

“Where’s that?

“Austin. I plan on leaving at approximately noon. I have some things to gather. That should put me in sometime around eight in the evening. We’ll conduct the evaluation of the chupacabra at your organization’s headquarters. Will there be anyone else there?”

“On a Sunday night, shouldn’t be.”

“Perfect. Be there no later than eight, and whatever you do, for God’s sake, don’t mention this to anyone. If word of this gets out, the scientific community will be on us like scavenging vultures on a rotting jackrabbit. If you spot television camera crews or men wearing black suits and dark sunglasses, get the specimen to a safe haven and leave word for me at MonsterTruthersMessageBoard.com. I’m listed under the name ‘NinjaMan.’”

“Uh, okay,” replied the slightly rattled Private Zulu as he chewed on one of his fingernails, not really sure what he’d gotten himself into.

“And Private Zulu, don’t forget to thaw out my chupacabra,” Avery said as he hung up the phone and punched his fist into the air in celebration.




PART THREE





CHAPTER TEN

Motel Hell


The hospital room slowly came into focus as Agent Diaz woke from her slumber. She was sitting in a mildly uncomfortable chair with her feet propped up on a small ottoman. She started to reach and rub her eyes before the pain from her right shoulder reminded her that her arm was in a sling. Looking beside her, she saw her partner sleeping in a hospital bed with tubes and monitors attached to his body. At that moment, a doctor carrying two cups of hot coffee in Styrofoam cups entered the sterile-looking room.

“How’re you feeling, Agent Martin?” the doctor asked as he offered Maria one of the cups. “Don’t worry. It’s not from the hospital. I bring in my own coffee.”

“Really sore,” she replied, accepting the coffee with her left hand. The strong aroma of coffee helped to clear her head as she took a sip. “Is he going to be all right?”

“He’ll be fine.” The doctor glanced at the chart at the foot of the bed. “He won’t lose the leg, but he’ll be laid up for some time. No more riding horses for him in the near future.”

“Be sure to stand on the other side of the room when you decide to break the news to him. He won’t like it much.”

“Maybe I’ll have you tell him, then. He wouldn’t stop asking about you when they brought him in. You saved his life, you know,” the doctor said as he checked the I.V. drip bag hanging above Agent Martin’s head. “He’d lost an enormous amount of blood when you got to him. The tourniquet you made was the difference.”

“How long is he going to sleep?” Agent Diaz asked as she took another sip of the hot coffee.

“Probably most of the day. Lean forward, and let me take a look at those stitches in the back of your head,” the doctor said as he placed his hand on her head and tilted it down. “Sorry, but we had to shave a small spot back here to put the stitches in.”

“Good thing I like wearing a hat,” she smiled.

“You should really go and get some rest as well,” the doctor said.

“Thanks, but I’ll stay. I want to be here when he wakes up.”

• • •


A few miles outside of El Paso, El Barquero sat patiently in his car. It was parked across the street from a seedy motel just off the highway. Blood from the wound in his side had soaked through the bandages and into the black shirt he was wearing. Ignoring the pain, he waited for someone to pull into the motel. Twenty minutes later, a late-model sedan pulled up and parked in front the motel’s office. A weary salesman got out of his car and walked through the early morning light to the office. A few minutes later, he returned to his car. Using a small pair of binoculars, El Barquero spotted the room key in his hand. Putting his car in gear, he crossed the highway and pulled into the parking lot. Slowly he followed the salesman’s car as it pulled into the back parking lot of the two-story motel.

El Barquero exited his car with his black rucksack and silver briefcase full of money. Following the man, who was pulling a wheeled suitcase and carrying a brown, square leather sample case, he climbed the motel’s outdoor staircase, trailing the man by a few yards. The man removed the room key from his pocket as he approached room number 209. Nervously, the man looked back over his shoulder at the imposing man behind him.

“Can I help you?” the man asked.

“Open the door,” El Barquero said as he brought his hand from behind his back into view. The salesman’s eyes bulged as he saw the menacing black handgun with a silencer attached to the barrel in the large Mexican’s hand.

“Please,” the terrified man said, “you can have my wallet. Just let me keep my samples.”

“Open the door now,” El Barquero’s raspy voice replied. The salesman’s hand shook as he tried to fit the key into the lock on the door, finally getting it to open. “Inside,” El Barquero calmly said to the man. Once they were inside, pointing his gun toward the man, he looked back to make sure the upper walkway and the parking lot were still empty before putting the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the outside door handle and closing and locking the door. Engaging the security chain, he turned and faced the trembling man in front of him. The man was still holding his brown case and roller bag.

“What do you want from me?” the shaking man asked.

“Put down your bags.”

“Please,” the man said has he put his things down, “I’ve got a family.”

“How long is the room rented for?”

“Two…two days.”

“Good,” El Barquero said as he raised his pistol and shot the man twice in the heart. The two faint thumps from the silenced handgun were followed by a thud as the man collapsed to the floor.

El Barquero grimaced from the pain in his side as he dragged the man by his collar to the closet on the opposite side of the bed. He placed the dead man in a seated position in the closet with his belongings, the brown sample case resting in the man’s lap.

Placing his silver case on the bed, El Barquero removed a first aid kit from his rucksack and carried it into the small bathroom. Clicking on the bathroom light, he turned the sink’s hot water faucet on high while he lined up a bottle of alcohol, a container of saline solution, a scalpel, tweezers, and curved suture needles on the tank of the toilet to the side of the sink. When the water from the faucet began to steam, he plugged the drain and filled the basin. Removing his shirt, he unwrapped the bandages from his midsection. His muscular upper body reflected in the bathroom mirror as he examined the wound to his side. Using a washcloth soaked in hot water, he removed the dried blood from around his wounds. Once the caked blood was gone, it was easy to spot the fresh blood leaking from the three small holes in his side where the double-ought buckshot from Agent Diaz’s twelve-gauge had impacted. He knew he was lucky. A few inches farther to his right and he would have received the full impact of the blast.

Turning on the shower, he stripped off the rest of his clothing. Climbing into the shower, he quickly cleaned himself before shutting off the hot spray. Dripping with water, he grabbed a thin, cheap white towel from the rack and dried himself off, staining the towel bloody red in the process. Stepping out of the shower, he admired his nude reflection in the bathroom mirror for a few moments. Then, reaching for one of the bottles on the toilet tank, he doused his whole side in alcohol. El Barquero grimaced at the fire-like pain in his side. Flipping open the plastic lid on the saline container, he squeezed streams of saline into the wounds to flush them out. Next, he took the scalpel and the tweezers and sterilized them with the alcohol. Using one hand to pull the flesh from the edge of the wounds with the tweezers, he used his other hand to slice away small bits of necrotic skin around the buckshot’s entry points with the razor sharp scalpel. After flushing the wounds again with saline, he used the thumb and forefinger of one hand to hold open the wounds while he dug into his side with the tweezers to fish out the heavy buckshot.

The first two pellets were easy to find and retrieve. They clunked heavily against the metal bottom of the trash can beside the sink as he dropped them from the tweezers. The third one took some time, and the wound bled heavily before the pellet finally relented and clunked into the trash can as well. Rinsing the wounds again with alcohol and saline, he clasped one of the pre-threaded stainless steel suture needles tightly with the tweezers. Methodically, he used the curved needles to stitch up the three holes in his side. Cleaning the area one last time, he bound up his midsection again.

El Barquero turned back into the small motel room and pulled a heavy black plastic trash bag from his rucksack. Returning to the bathroom, he stuffed the bloody towel into the bag along with the spent bandages before throwing the sack into the bedroom. Packing up his medical supplies, he straightened and cleaned up the bathroom. After loading two more rounds into his pistol’s clip, he crashed heavily onto the bed. On his back, naked and holding his pistol in one hand, he immediately fell into an exhausted sleep.

• • •


Back in the big white house, Kip sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and picking over a pile of scrambled eggs and bacon from a platter in the middle of the table. Bennett sat beside him, reading the newspaper, while under the table, Max lustily gnawed away at a dried pig ear treat. A small television on the kitchen counter relayed the morning’s latest news.

“Violence continues to plague the Texas border,” the field reporter said into her microphone as she stood on the side of the highway outside of Tornillo, her cameraman panning the desert behind her. “Just today, in the early morning hours, gunfire ripped through the desert here, some forty miles southwest of El Paso. This latest incident involved the death of three Mexican nationals and the wounding of two United States border patrol agents. This follows directly on the heels of two other bodies that were discovered in the desert the day before. All of the dead are suspected of being involved in the smuggling of illegal narcotics.

“What concerns officials and civilians in this area outside of Tornillo the most is that the violence happened on the U.S. side of the border. Prior to these shootings, most of the deadly skirmishes between rival Mexican drug cartels have limited themselves to the south side of the border and within the city of Juarez itself. The question for residents and law enforcement is whether these are isolated incidents or the beginning of a new, bloody drug war on U.S. soil.

“Here with me today is one of those concerned residents. What’s unique is that he’s actually taken steps to become personally involved in protecting his community by forming a local civilian militia. To protect his identity, he goes only by the name of General X-Ray,” the news reporter said as the General, still in his camouflage fatigues and tanker helmet, stepped into the view of the camera. “General, your local militia, STRAC-BOM, I believe is the name…”

“Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia is the official name of the organization,” the General corrected the reporter as he reached for her microphone.

“Yes, I see,” the field reporter replied as she wrestled her microphone from the General’s grasp. “Now, general, what inspired you to form your own militia?”

“Well,” the General began as he reached again for the microphone, the alert reporter jerking it back from his reach, “like many citizens of our fair community, I’d become increasingly concerned with the lack of competency of local and federal law enforcement in stopping the flow of illegal aliens across our border. It’s a veritable Hispanic Ho Chi Minh Trail out there. Then, one day while I was out rattlesnake hunting, it came to me.”

“The idea to create a civilian militia came to you while rattlesnake hunting?” the reporter inquired.

“No, that came later,” the General replied. “What came to me first was a question, a monumentally important question. What would Sam Houston do?” he said as he held his wrist up to the camera to show a camouflage plastic wristband with the letters WWSHD printed in white. “These, by the way, are available for three dollars and ninety-nine cents plus a modest shipping and handling charge on the STRAC-BOM website. The answer to the question was of course that Sam Houston would raise an army to defeat the enemy. That’s the Texas way.”

“And just how many men have you raised for your militia, general?”

“For purposes of security and strategic advantage, I’d rather not divulge that information. The enemy’s intelligence staff monitors that type of data. Suffice to say, we have multiple Fire Teams of highly trained and heavily armed soldiers all committed to protecting the freedom of our glorious homeland. We operate under the creed of bullets, beans, and the Bible.”

“What activities have you and your men been involved with?”

“Recently, we’ve been involved in several land-based surveillance and interdiction operations. We’re currently evaluating opportunities for water-based missions, as well as contemplating the ability to develop air superiority capabilities.”

“Would your land-based activities have anything to do with the violent events that occurred last night in the desert behind us?” the reporter asked as she carefully guarded her microphone from the General’s grasp.

“Absolutely not,” the General emphatically replied. “What you have out there,” he continued as he pointed back toward the desert with his leather riding crop, “is purely the work of amateurs. If my patriots had been involved, I assure you the body count would have been significantly higher.”

“What would you say to those who feel immigration issues and battling violent drug cartels should be left to the authorities?”

“Left to the authorities?” the General mocked. “They couldn’t hit a longhorn steer in the butt with a handful of gravel. My highly accomplished marksmen are the only properly trained and equipped outfit in this area for these types of bloody engagements.”

“General, some have argued that as a nation originally founded and built by immigrants, the current backlash against Mexican civilians crossing the border simply looking to build a better future for their families is slightly hypocritical. In fact, when Mexico won its independence from Spain, what we know today as Texas was in fact part of Mexico, and the Mexican government openly encouraged immigration from United States citizens, regardless of race, to settle the land freely. Your thoughts?”

“Then they changed their mind few years later and sent Mexican soldiers to stop U.S. citizens from settling. And what did Sam Houston do?” the General asked as he waved his WWSHD wristband in front of the camera again. “He kicked the ever-loving snot out of Santa Anna’s butt at San Jacinto! That’s what he did. They changed the rules, not us. Screw ’em!”

“Thank you for your time, general,” the reporter said as she turned to face the camera.

“And don’t forget your WWSHD wristbands at the STRAC-BOM website!” the General shouted as he tried to push his way back into the picture.

“Reporting live,” the reporter said as she struggled to hold the General out of the frame with her outstretched arm. “On location outside of Tornillo, I’m Elise Gomez. Back to you, Harrison.”

“Civilian militia,” Kip muttered as he shook his head. “What next?”

“What’re you mumbling about, yankee?” Bennett said without taking his eyes from his newspaper. “You New York City boys got them Guardian Angels protecting your precious dirty water hot dog carts, don’t you?”

“Who you calling a yankee? I haven’t been gone that long. Besides, there’s a big difference between unarmed safety patrols and armed militia,” Kip replied as he rose from his chair to answer the ringing phone by the back door. “Hello,” Kip said into the phone. “Yes, it is…definitely glad to be home, how’ve you been? Fantastic. Sure, hold on. Pop, it’s your buddy Miguel.”

“Ask him if it’s good news or money. If not, take a message,” Bennett barked out, not looking up from his paper.

“You catch that, Miguel?” Kip said into the phone. “Sure thing, one of us will be around. Thanks. Say high to Esmeralda for me,” he added before hanging up the phone and wandering back to his cup of coffee. “Miguel is having one of his sons drop off some frijoles for you today.”

“Hot damn. Best thing I’ve heard all morning. You know, you make a pretty good personal secretary, boy. How’s your dictation?”

“Take it easy, old man. I’ll leave that walkway unfinished if you’re not careful,” Kip replied as he noticed the yellow-suited Avery amble into the kitchen and head directly to the refrigerator.

“Good doctor,” Avery said as he cracked open a cold can of Mountain Dew and took a swig, “I’ll be requiring your truck today.”

“Kiss my ass,” Bennett replied without looking up from his paper.

“Seriously,” said Avery as he took another noisy drink from the can. “Where are the keys?”

“What do you need my truck for?” asked Bennett.

“I’m headed to a small town outside of El Paso to examine a freshly deceased chupacabra corpse.”

“Hell, boy,” Bennett said as he put down his paper. “That’s over five hundred miles. I wouldn’t let you take my truck five blocks.”

“Doctor, I can tell you don’t completely grasp the seriousness of this situation. Did you hear me when I said chupacabra? Chupacabra? It’s only the holy grail of cryptozoology. This could really put me on the map.”

“The map of crazy,” Bennett replied.

“What about you, Kip? Let me borrow your car? You know, you’ve always been my favorite stepbrother.”

“He’s your only stepbrother,” said Bennett.

“You going to bring it back with a full tank of gas?” Kip asked.

“Absolutely. I’ll even have it washed. I’ll change the oil, vacuum the interior, whatever you want.”

“Just fill the tank and bring it back in one piece,” Kip said. “The key are in the drawer over there.”

“Much obliged,” said Avery as he grabbed the keys and another Mountain Dew from the fridge before pounding his way back up the stairs.

“Number-one son, have you completely lost your cotton-picking mind?” asked Bennett. “That lunatic drives worse than your Aunt Polly.”

“Just trying to make friends with my stepbrother,” replied Kip. “Besides, it’s a rental. Unlimited mileage.”

“Better hope it has unlimited insurance, too,” growled Bennett as he finished his cup of coffee.

“By the way, do you have a push broom somewhere?” asked Kip. “I’m going to need one to put some texture on that concrete walkway after I pour it so it won’t be slick in the rain.”

“Got one out in the garage you can use. You know which end to push, right?”

“Careful.”

“Okay, okay,” conceded Bennett. “It’s beside the workbench. It’s as new as a WWII French army rifle. Never used, only dropped once.”

Upstairs, Avery hastily stuffed some supplies, a set of somewhat clean socks and underwear, and a few monster reference books into a battered cardboard packing box. Lifting the box from underneath to keep the sagging bottom from spilling open, he lumbered down the main stairs of the house and exited out the back door, not bothering to say goodbye to Kip or Bennett, who continued to drink coffee and read the morning news. Avery placed his belongings in Kip’s rental car, which was parked next to Bennett’s huge black pickup truck in the garage. After throwing a large ice chest in the trunk, he started the sedan and backed out into the alley before speeding off.

A few blocks later, Avery stopped at a local convenience store and purchased several bags of ice, a package of plastic straws, and all the sixteen-ounce Mountain Dew bottles the store carried. His ice chest now properly provisioned, he sped away through the light Sunday morning traffic of Austin’s streets, headed toward Ziggy’s. Pulling up in front of the shop, he noticed the sound of rhythmic banging coming from inside the old house. Pounding on the front door, he tried to get Ziggy’s attention over the noise of the loud drumming. After a few minutes of pounding and cursing by Avery, the loud drumming stopped and Ziggy appeared at the front door.

“Like, hey, man,” said Ziggy as he let Avery into the store. “Like, check out my new African talking drum.” The skinny tie-dyed hippy slipped off the hourglass-shaped drum with cloth strings running down its side hanging from a strap over his shoulder. “Like, when you squeeze it under your arm, it, like, changes the pitch from the mallet whacks, man. It’s, like, super freaky.”

“Darn,” said Avery as he headed for the stairs to the book section, “I was hoping an African warrior party was spit roasting you over a fire.”

“That’s, like, not funny, dude,” Ziggy replied as he followed Avery upstairs while banging out fast staccato notes on his drum. “You, like, seriously got to watch your karma, man.”

“Stop that infernal racket, you little troll!” Avery bellowed. “You’re giving me a migraine.”

“That’s, like, from all the caffeine you drink, dude. You should, like, really get down with, like, some herbal tea instead.”

“Not enough sugar,” replied Avery as he rummaged through the books and reference guides in the medical section. “Where did you put that book on autopsy techniques?”

“It’s, like, downstairs, man.”

“Then what are we doing up here? Show me.”

“Like, chill out, dude,” said Ziggy as he led Avery back downstairs and over to a table loaded full of candles of various sizes. The table had only three legs. Where the missing leg used to reside, a three-foot stack of books held the table upright. “It’s, like, that thick one in the middle.” He pointed to the stack of books propping up the table.

“Out of my way,” Avery said as he pushed past Ziggy and swiped the large book from the middle of the stack, sending half the candles sliding to the floor from the now heavily listing table top.

“Like, knock it off, man!” Ziggy cried in horror. “Those are, like, my best candles, dude,” he said as he scooped up the fallen candles from the floor and placed them on another table nearby.

“I’ll require your scalpel.”

“Like, what?” Ziggy replied. “My antique scalpel? Like, that belonged to my grand-pappy?”

“I don’t care if it belonged to Jack the Ripper. I need to borrow it. Quickly now, I’m in a hurry.”

“I can, like, tell, dude,” Ziggy said as he went to retrieve a small wooden box from a bookshelf on the other side of the store. “You, like, really got to bring this back, man.”

“Never fear, my good man,” Avery said as he examined the blade. “Not quite as sharp as I’d hoped for, but it’ll do.” Avery made way his to the shop door with his newly acquired supplies.

“Like, aren’t you going to pay for those, man?” Ziggy implored.

“Put it on my tab,” Avery replied as he slammed the door behind him.

“Dude,” Ziggy said as he shook his head dejectedly, “like, not again, man.”




CHAPTER ELEVEN

Road Trip


Polly yanked the steering wheel hard to the right, sending the big pink Caddy onto the shoulder of the road. Laying on the horn, she whipped past the slow-moving van in front of her.

“Lord, help us,” Big Esther cried from the back seat as she grabbed at Jolene’s hand for support.

“Watch my nails, honey,” Jolene said as she pried Big Esther’s death grip from her freshly manicured hand. “I just had them done.” Big Esther grabbed for Little Esther’s hand instead.

“You’re going to need the Lord’s help, all right,” Miss Pearl said as she turned to the girls in the back seat. “Going to need the Lord’s help to get you through my church’s service. If Pastor J.C. Naughton finds out ya’ll ain’t been saved, he’ll go all fire and brimstone on you. I can’t believe you fools want to go through with this.”

“Oh, don’t make such a big deal out of it, Pearl,” Polly said as she swerved back onto the road. “It’s church. Church is church. Me and the two Esthers haven’t missed a Sunday in twenty years.”

“Yeah, but you’re talking about that namby-pamby Methodist church on the south side of town,” Pearl replied. “Preacher Naughton calls you Methodists a cult. Not quite as bad as Catholics, but definitely worse than Episcopalians. No, this is an honest-to-goodness Southern Baptist house of God. They don’t pull any punches, and when they punch, they aim for the face. And Jolene, you heathen, when was the last time you even went to church?”

“Well, it’s been quite a while,” Jolene said as she examined her face in the mirror of a small makeup compact. “I’m religious, all right, just in my own unique kind of way.”

“How’s that?” Pearl scoffed.

“Well,” Jolene began as she put her compact back in her oversized designer knockoff purse, “I’m fairly non-denominational. I view religion as something of a combination of beliefs gathered from a number of faiths. Say, if a Protestant train was heading west at a hundred miles an hour and a Buddhist train was heading east at a hundred miles an hour on the same track. Once they crash, I just pick up the best pieces from the debris.”

“Jeez Louise, Jolene,” Pearl said shaking her head in disbelief. “Don’t you dare let Preacher Naughton hear you talk about religion like a train wreck. He’ll skin me alive just for associating with you devils.”

“But doesn’t God want us to believe in love and happiness?” Polly asked.

“Not in this church, baby,” Pearl replied. “This place done taken all the fun out of fundamental.”

“Pearl, if you don’t like this preacher, why do you go to his church?” asked Big Esther.

“Because he’s the only person I know that’s angrier than me,” Pearl replied. “Kind of makes me feel better about myself in comparison.”

“Here we are, girls,” Polly said as she plowed into the church parking lot and slid to a stop, looking for a parking space. “What, no handicapped spots?”

“Only one reserved spot,” said Pearl as she pointed to the gold Bentley parked in front of a small sign close to the church’s front door that read “Reserved Parking – Preacher J.C. Naughton, Jr.” The Bentley, equipped with gaudy wire rims, bore vanity plates that read JC-ONE.

“But what about the handicapped?” asked Polly.

“Preacher Naughton doesn’t believe in handicaps,” replied Pearl. “Only the unsaved who haven’t yet been healed. Just park it down on the end. We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry up, and I don’t much feel like getting yelled at.”

“Well, at least we can agree on that,” said Polly as she took a spot at the end of the long line of cars in the dirt parking lot. The girls, decked out in their Sunday best, hurriedly made their way toward the front awning of the long single-story church with white vinyl siding. The church had a shallow peaked roof with a twenty-foot-tall wooden cross, painted white, attached to its highest point. A large white placard board listing the Ten Commandments sat outside the church’s front door. In bold letters at the top of the placard board was painted TEN COMMANDMENTS – NOT TEN SUGGESTIONS.

“We better sit in the back,” Pearl suggested to the girls. “Try to be inconspicuous.” Making their way to the back row of pews, the girls passed an offering basket bearing a sign that read CASH ONLY – NO CHECKS. Finding a spot in the crowded church, the girls took their seats. As soon as they were settled, the church choir, accompanied by a drummer, an electric guitarist, and an electric piano player, wrapped up their number. Sprinting in from off stage, Preacher J.C. Naughton, Jr. took his position behind an elaborate podium. Loud applause filled the room.

“Praise God!” the preacher shouted as he threw his hands in the air.

“Halleluiah!” the multi-racial congregation cried in reply as the preacher smiled at his flock. His perfectly alabaster-white teeth gleamed as he surveyed the packed room. The preacher’s deep tan and a heavy coat of bronzer accentuated his Botoxed brow. His slicked-back hair was heavy and dark. It contrasted sharply with his immaculate all-white ensemble. A red boutonniere was pinned to the lapel of his suit. Light sparkled from the oversized diamond-encrusted silver wristwatch.

“Do you want a message?” the preacher asked loudly.

“Yes!” the feverish congregation shouted in response.

“Here it is! Are you ready?” the preacher asked.

“Yes!”

“I’ve got the answer! You want to hear it?”

“Yes!”

“I’ve got the secret! You want to know it?”

“Yes!”

“I’ve got the formula! You want to use it?”

“Yes!”

“Then here it is!” the preacher cried as he held aloft a Bible. “This is the answer! This is the secret! This is the formula!” The room filled with a cacophony of noise.

“Amen! Praise Jesus! Halleluiah!” the gathering of people passionately clamored at the top of their lungs, some weaving back and forth as if in some kind of trance.

“But it isn’t just any book,” the preacher continued over the din. “It isn’t just any Bible. It’s the King James 1611 version! Not one of those tampered-with ones. Not one of those ‘I just want something easy to read’ versions. Do you know how many books masquerading as the true word of God are out there?”

“How many?!” the congregation exclaimed in unison.

“Dozens! Hundreds! Maybe even thousands!” Preacher Naughton bellowed. “Did you know you can even find some of these so-called ‘Good Books’ on the Internet? Jesus didn’t need to download an edited version of the word of God to his mobile phone. He got it from the source. He got it from God, and this version is the word of God. It’s like the message of this church. We don’t water it down. We don’t sissify it by taking out the ugly parts.”

“Amen! Praise Jesus!” the congregation roared.

“Being saved is a full-time job!” Preacher Naughton exhorted. “We don’t take part-timers here. Just because you saw someone holding up a John 3:16 sign at a football game won’t get you into heaven! All those damned souls that think showing up to church on Easter Sunday and Christmas Day cuts the mustard are in for a really big surprise. You know what that surprise is?”

“Hell!” the congregation loudly replied in unison.

“That’s right, my precious brothers and sisters. Hell is what those sinners are going to find. Those pathetic open-minded sinners. Around here, we don’t read the Bible with an open mind. You want to know why?”

“Why!”

“Because an open mind is Satan’s favorite toy. An open mind is like the Devil’s Xbox. He’ll play with it all day long and fill it with wickedness and sin. No, my friends, our minds aren’t open. We read this Bible word for holy word. Those that don’t will find themselves cast into the pits of Hell, and Matthew 13 tells us what that’s like. It’s full of wailing and gnashing of teeth. And for those without teeth, never fear. Spare teeth will be provided! Yes, sir, a furnace of fire awaits the unsaved sinners, but some people just don’t get it. You know, just last week I was watching the television, and can you believe what I heard?

“No! What was it? Tell us!” came the congregation’s reply.

“This show on the television was explaining what the center of the earth was made of. Can you believe it? For two thousand years we’ve known the center of the earth is Hell, and here is this television show with so-called scientists trying to pawn off some ridiculous explanation of the earth’s core. All they needed to do was read this,” Preacher Naughton said as he again held his Bible aloft. “It says right here that Hell is filled with fire and brimstone. You know what brimstone is, don’t you?”

“What?!”

“It’s another word for sulfur. Now, in my day, I’ve known many a fellow that’s worked on an oil well. And I’ve been told time and time again that when you start to drill really deep, you start to smell sulfur. That’s because the deeper you get, the closer you are to the Devil. Any time you smell sulfur, Lucifer is near! In fact, if you ever find yourself using a restroom stall in a public place and you smell sulfur from the stall next to you, get away as fast as you can. Because that person, sure as shooting, has the Devil in them!”

“You can get the Devil in your colon?” Jolene asked Polly in a whispered voice.

“Apparently so,” Polly replied.

“That explains why my ex-husband was such a bastard,” Jolene deadpanned.

“And then,” Preacher Naughton said as he continued his rant, “the scientists on this show were followed by another program that suggested even more ridiculous blasphemy. Life on other planets! Seriously! I’m not making this up! Can you believe it? They were saying that all those twinkling little stars you see in the night sky are actually suns with little earth-like planets floating around them. Unbelievable! Well, at least they got one thing right. There are sons in the Bible. The sons of Abraham!”

“Amen! Halleluiah!” the congregation rhapsodized.

“I tell you what,” Preacher Naughton said as he wiped the sweat from his brow. “These so-called scientists ought to just starting digging holes right in their own backyards. It’ll just make it that much easier for Satan to take them straight to Hell on Judgment Day. Boy, am I wound up today! Turn to 493 in your hymnals. We’re going to sing Lucifer right out of here. Hit it, boys!” Preacher Naughton said to the band as the congregation rose and belted out “Onward, Christian Soldiers” with the choir.

“Oh, dear!” Little Esther, sitting on the aisle, said as she noticed that the bright red ball of yarn she had been knitting from had fallen from the pew and was rolling down the sloped aisle of the sanctuary. Grabbing the sock she was knitting, she tried vainly to reel in the runaway ball of yarn, causing it tumble down the aisle even quicker. Holding her breath in fear, she watched the yarn ball unravel itself all the way to the front of the room, coming to rest at the base of Preacher Naughton’s podium. The preacher peered down over the top of the podium and examined the marauding ball of yarn. As the congregation continued to boisterously sing with the band and choir, Preacher Naughton stepped off the stage and picked up the offending ball of red yarn. Slowly, he began to reel it in as he followed its trail back up the aisle. Methodically wrapping the yarn back around the ball, he made his way closer and closer to Little Esther, who was sitting on tenterhooks. By this time, the rest of the girls and most of the congregation had noticed the situation unfolding. The girls nervously looked back and forth at each other as Preacher Naughton continued to close the distance to them.

“What part of ‘try and be inconspicuous’ didn’t you understand?” Pearl hissed at Little Esther.

“Cut the music!” Preacher Naughton commanded as he reached the last row of pews. The room fell into complete silence. “Well, good morning, ladies. I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting the four of you before. Is this your first time visiting our humble little church?”

“Yes, it is, sir, uh, your Holiness, uh Reverend,” Polly nervously stammered.

“Preacher Naughton will do just fine,” he said as he handed the ball of yarn back to Little Esther.

“We came with a friend…” Polly began as she suddenly felt Pearl, who was sitting beside her, kick her in the shin underneath the pew. “I mean, we came looking to meet new friends.”

“I see,” said Preacher Naughton. “Of course, we always welcome newcomers to our flock, however, only if they’re willing to become true believers. Are you truly interested in attending our services?” Little Esther, Big Esther, Jolene and Polly glanced at each other and then meekly nodded in agreement. “Are you willing to be saved?” The girls nervously nodded again. “Excellent!” Preacher Naughton exclaimed as he held his Bible aloft once more. “To the river!”

“What’s going on?” Big Esther cried out as the congregation swarmed the four women and pulled them toward the back door of the church.

“Thank you, Jesus!” Preacher Naughton exclaimed as he led the throng of ecstatic worshippers surrounding the timid ladies out the back of the church. “Thank you for giving us this opportunity to save four souls in your name in one day!”

“Pearl!” Polly screamed out. “Where are they taking us?”

“To the river,” replied Pearl, walking behind the rear of the group. “It’s baptizing time!”

“But I’ve already been baptized,” replied Polly.

“Not by Preacher Naughton, you haven’t,” Pearl laughed.

“Help us, Pearl,” Jolene pleaded as she caught sight of the muddy drainage canal behind the church. “They’re going to drown us like witches!”

“Don’t worry,” replied Pearl. “If you get washed downstream, you’ll come to a low-water dam about a mile down river. Just try to grab a hold of it. I’ll come pick you up later.”

“What!” cried Little Esther. “I’m not a strong swimmer!”

“Can you hold your breath?” Pearl asked.

“No!”

“Well, you might be in a pickle, then,” Pearl laughed.

“Pearl! Don’t you tease Little Esther like that,” Polly scolded. “Honey, you don’t worry about a thing,” she said to the trembling Little Esther. “Just do what the preacher says.”

Gathering at the edge of the drainage canal, Preacher Naughton handed his white suit coat to a member of the church and encouraged the girls to join him at the edge of the muddy water. Members of the congregation reached down to remove the girls’ shoes.

“Join me, ladies!” Preacher Naughton cried out as he waded into the dark water. Hesitantly the girls followed, trying to hold their balance in the flowing water filled with sticks and the occasional stray plastic bag.

“Don’t worry, ladies,” Pearl yelled out. “I’ve got your purses!”

“Doesn’t exactly look like the River Jordan to me,” Polly murmured under her breath as she struggled to stay upright and simultaneously hold down her dress to keep it from floating up over her waist. The ladies took their places upriver of Preacher Naughton as they turned and faced the canal bank, which was lined with the members of the church’s congregation softly singing “Baptize Us Anew” in unison.

“In life, we’re all called upon to make significant decisions,” Preacher Naughton said with his hands lifted to the heavens. “This is one of those decisions. By making it, you dedicate yourself to our heavenly Creator. May the Lord bless you and cast the demons from your body!” Reaching first for Little Esther, Preacher Naughton placed one hand in the small of her back and with the other pressed her backward under the muddy current. “I baptize thee in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit! You are a sinner no more!” As he lifted Little Esther from under the murky water, she spat and coughed the foul water from her nose and mouth.

Moving down the line, the Preacher Naughton repeated the process with Polly, Big Esther, and finally Jolene, who put up a pretty good struggle but finally went under. After Jolene emerged from the canal water, Preacher Naughton, his white suit pants and shirt stained a muddy brown color from the dirty canal, led the congregation and its newest members back inside. Dripping wet, with smeared makeup and disheveled hair, the four girls waited at the back of the room, standing on towels, until the service had finished. Walking back across the parking lot to Polly’s car, Pearl examined the soggy, motley group of women with ruined dresses.

“Lord have mercy,” Pearl cackled. “I sure do enjoy a good Sunday service.”

• • •


Later that afternoon, Avery flew along a barren stretch of Texas highway in Kip’s rental car. An old Journey song blared from the car’s stereo.

“Blast,” Avery muttered as he cursed Kip for not getting a full-sized rental instead of the green mid-sized sedan that thumped over the rough highway. Cruising past scattered farms and ranches, Avery hammered down his eighth Mountain Dew of the trip. Ahead, a slow-moving pickup truck towing a small chicken hauler puttered down the right-hand lane. Feathers fluttered out of the wire screened chicken cages. Coming up behind the truck and chicken trailer, Avery began to change into the left-hand lane in order to pass the offending poultry wagon. The deafening blast of an air horn startled Avery as a fast-moving semi in the left hand lane barreled past him. The trucker had to run his left-side tires onto the median to avoid hitting Avery’s rental. Swerving sharply back to his right, Avery found himself right on top of the chicken trailer. As he mashed the brake pedal to the floor, Avery’s car skidded off the highway and onto the shoulder of the road. Running over an abandoned hubcap, the left front tire of the rental car exploded. Frantically correcting, then over-correcting, then over-correcting again, Avery managed to bring the small car to a skidding stop on the gravel of the shoulder. An air horn blared again as another semi roared past.

Avery’s chest pounded with adrenaline, and sweat beaded on his forehead as he turned off the blaring radio. He was pleasantly surprised to see that the cup holder had held his beverage bottle securely in place during his traumatic ordeal. Draining the rest of his Mountain Dew, he gingerly stepped out of the car to peruse his situation. Realizing that he should have actually sent in the AAA application, now resting in a pile of junk mail in the in-box on his workstation, he leaned on the hood of the car and pondered his options. One, he could change the flat himself. Two, he could find someone to do it for him. Two was clearly the more preferable option, as Avery was not predisposed to manual labor. For the next fifteen minutes, Avery attempted in vain to convince passing motorists and truckers to pull over. Maybe the site of a shaggy bearded man in a yellow tracksuit jumping up and down and vilely cursing at passersby didn’t help his plight. He wished he hadn’t executed his cell phone. Eventually, an elderly man in a rusted pickup truck swung off the highway and onto the side of the road. The pickup backed up along the shoulder until it reached Avery and his disabled vehicle.

“Got ye a flat tar, sonny boy,” the old man wearing faded denim overalls said as he climbed out of his truck.

“Obviously,” Avery replied. “Some deranged lunatic behind the wheel of semi, most likely high on amphetamines and looking at a porno magazine, tried to kill me.”

“Yep. Gotta keep ye eye on them there rigs. By the way, sonny, why in tar nation are ye wearing ye pajamas?”

“It’s a tracksuit. It’s the height of fashion in eastern Europe.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know nothing ’bout that. Ye want I should help out fixin’ that busted tar?”

“If by ‘tar’ you mean tire, of course I do.”

“Well, pop the back and let’s take a gander at ye spar.”

“My what?”

“Ye spar. Ye spar tar.”

“Just to be clear, I don’t have all day and I won’t pay you,” Avery said as he opened the car’s trunk.

“Ye know, ye dang ornery for someone needing a hand.”

“Look, old-timer, I’ll give you a Mountain Dew if you’ll help me out.”

“That something like moonshine liquor?” the old man asked interestedly.

“No.”

“Ye got any liquor?”

“No. Just Mountain Dew.”

“Well, then, I reckon I’ll pass. Now take that jack whilst I wrestle this spar tar out.” A few minutes later, the rental was operational. “Now, I wouldn’t put too many miles on that there spar. It’s a temporary. ’Bout twenty mile yonder is a truck stop near Van Horn. They’ll right fix ye up. With a new tar or whatever ye want,” the old man said as he winked at Avery.

“I don’t speak crazy, old man. What are you referring to?”

“Oh, you’ll find out, I reckon,” the old man laughed as he headed back to his pickup. “Watch out for them lot lizards!” he shouted back over his shoulder before climbing into his truck and pulling away. Avery fished another couple of Mountain Dew bottles from the ice chest, closed the trunk, and continued on his way down the desolate highway. Fifteen minutes later, Avery spotted a large road sign shaped like an armadillo advertising THE FLYING ARMADILLO TRUCK STOP – SECOND BEST BBQ IN TEXAS – FIVE MILES AHEAD.

A few minutes later, Avery pulled his rental past the long rows of gasoline pumps and into the crowded truck stop parking lot, filled with eighteen-wheelers of all colors and designs and license plates from a dozen states. The truck stop’s main building had an enormous fiberglass replica of an armadillo with wings perched on its roof. Next to the main building was a restaurant with a pay phone off to the side. Avery climbed out of his car and made his way to the occupied payphone. The air was filled with the smell of diesel fumes, exhaust, and mesquite smoke.

“Hi there, handsome.” A thin woman wearing a denim mini skirt, white tube top, and tall red heels stood in the pay phone booth, watching Avery as he approached. “My name is Fantasia Velvet. What’s yours?” she asked with a playful growl.

“I’m not giving you my name. Now get out of the phone booth. I have an urgent call to place.”

“Fantasia just can’t do that, sugar,” the tall woman, who wore a peroxide-blonde wig, purred. “She’s waiting for a very important call from a client.”

“I don’t care if you’re waiting for a call from the President. Out, now.”

“Don’t be grumpy, sugar. You know, Fantasia Velvet, that’s my stage name, although sometimes I use Fantasia Sweetcream. It just depends on my mood. Anyways, Fantasia provides commercial services for the road-weary at very competitive prices. You interested in some company? You look awfully tired. Fantasia knows just how to put a little pep in a man’s step. Particularly a strong, handsome man like yourself.”

“Not interested,” Avery replied as he took Fantasia by the arm and pulled her out of the booth.

“Ouch!” Fantasia cried as she stumbled out of the pay phone. “Take it easy, baby. Bruises are bad for business.” As Avery stepped past Fantasia and climbed into the booth, he noticed that she had an extraordinarily large Adam’s apple, and he thought he might have caught a glimpse of dark facial stubble underneath her heavily caked makeup. Avery fished in his fanny pack for some change. Finding only a quarter and a nickel, he inserted the quarter into the phone and began dialing a number from a wrinkled piece of paper.

“Can I at least bum a cigarette, baby?” Fantasia asked as Avery pounded the numbers of the keypad.

“No. It’s a filthy habit,” Avery replied.

“Sugar,” Fantasia said, “you can’t imagine all the filthy habits Fantasia has. Sure you don’t want a date?”

“No,” Avery said as he listened to the instructions to deposit another seventy-five cents in order to place his call. “Can you make change for a dollar?” the frustrated Avery asked the heavily perfumed woman as he extracted his quarter from the phone box.

“Fantasia only makes change when services are rendered,” Fantasia said as she reached up to stroke Avery’s crazy mane of hair with her long fake nails.

“Get off me, you whore!” Avery shouted as he batted away her hand.

“Don’t you go calling me names, you fat bastard!” Fantasia said as she stood defiantly with her large hands on her hips. “Fantasia’s a lady, and she’ll be treated as such.”

“Whatever,” Avery muttered as he stormed past Fantasia and into the truck stop’s restaurant.

“Oh, don’t go away mad, baby,” Fantasia called to Avery. “I’ll be here all day and all night if you change your mind.” She blew a kiss after him.

The Art Deco–style diner was filled with a couple of dozen truckers and locals. Avery took a stool at the counter next to two truck drivers harassing the waitress.

“Hey, Maddie,” shouted the larger of the two truck drivers to the short, feisty brunette behind the counter. “How about you and me go on a date tonight?”

“Big Lou,” Maddie said as she turned to face the burly truck driver, “even if you weren’t married the answer would be the same. Hell, no!”

“Aw, come on, Maddie,” Big Lou replied. “They don’t call me Big Lou for nothing.”

“Pound salt, you jackass,” Maddie said as she refilled his coffee.

“But Maddie, my wife just cut me back to one piece of ass a week. I’m dying, I tell you.”

“Hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, Big Lou,” Maddie replied. “But there’s half a dozen other truckers in this restaurant she’s cut down to one piece of ass a week also.”

“Snap!” the skinny trucker sitting next to Big Lou cried out as he convulsed in laughter. “She done busted you good, Big Lou.”

“Shut up, Ennis,” Big Lou said to his friend. “And what the hell does ‘snap’ mean, anyway?”

“I don’t know,” Ennis replied as his laughter subsided. “I just seen it on the TV. Think it means you got busted. Just like last week when that lot lizard surprised you with her package.”

“Shut up, Ennis!” Big Lou said again as he slapped the back of the skinny trucker’s head, knocking his mesh hat to the floor in the process. “I told you not to mention that!”

“I told you there was a reason she only dances at the topless joint and not the all-nude place,” Ennis said as he picked up his hat.

“Ennis,” Maddie said. “Does your wife know that you boys hang out at those places?”

“No, she don’t,” replied Ennis sheepishly. “But I can’t help it if I enjoy supporting single mothers.” He and Big Lou laughed heartily.

“The both of you are disgusting,” said Maddie as she refilled Ennis’ coffee cup.

“Excuse me, good woman,” Avery said to Maddie. “May I please have change for a dollar?”

“Only if you buy something, mister,” Maddie said as she used a damp rag to clean the counter in front of Avery. “Rule number five,” she said as she pointed to the hand painted sign hanging from the door to the kitchen behind her. Avery looked at the sign. Rule number five read CHANGE PROVIDED FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY. It was above rule number six—NO SPITTING—and below rule number four—NO LOT LIZARDS ALLOWED INSIDE.

“You should try the barbecue, mister,” Maddie said. “It’s almost the best in the state. Won all kinds of runner-up awards.” Avery viewed the numerous trophies and ribbons that lined a long shelf above the kitchen door.

“No, thanks,” said Avery. “Do you carry Pepsi products?”

“Sure do,” Maddie replied.

“I’ll have a Mountain Dew, then,” Avery said.

“I mean we got Pepsi. Regular and diet.”

“Damn it,” Avery swore. “Fine, regular Pepsi.”

“Coming right up,” Maddie said as she turned and went to the soda fountain.

“Hey there, partner,” Big Lou said to Avery. “What the hell is that thing strapped to your waist?” Avery ignored the brawny trucker as Maddie returned with his soda.

“How much I owe you?” asked Avery.

“Dollar twenty-five,” said Maddie.

“Perfect,” said Avery as he handed her two wadded-up one-dollar bills from his fanny pack. Maddie fished in her change belt for some quarters and placed three of them on the counter.

“I’m talking to you,” Big Lou said to Avery as he stood from his stool. “We don’t wear them fanny purses in this part of Texas.” Just at that moment, Fantasia poked her head into the restaurant.

“Why hey, Big Lou,” Fantasia called out. “You know, you still got a credit with Fantasia. We didn’t get to finish up last time.”

“Hey you, get out of here!” Maddie yelled. “Rule number four!”

“Why, I’ll kill you, you freak show!” Big Lou yelled as he started for the door.

“Anyone needing commercial services?” Fantasia called out quickly into the restaurant. “Fantasia’s the best! Just ask Big Lou!” she added ducking back out the door and scurrying as fast as her high heels would carry her across the truck stop parking lot, Big Lou in hot pursuit, screaming obscenities. Avery scooped his quarters up from the linoleum counter and headed for the door.

“What?” Maddie called out. “No tip?”

Avery ignored her and walked to the phone booth, this time occupied by a local rancher.

“I need to use the phone,” Avery yelled as he banged on the phone booth door.

“I’ll be done it a minute,” the rancher said as he cupped the receiver in his hand. Avery picked his fingernails impatiently as he waited. A few minutes later the rancher hung up the phone and exited the booth.

“All yours, partner,” said the rancher as he shuffled past Avery. Avery climbed in the booth and inserted a quarter. Banging out the phone number, he waited for the message to insert additional change before dumping three more quarters into the phone. He could hear the phone ringing.

“You have reached the Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia headquarters,” the recorded message began. “Please leave your name and a short message after the beep. And don’t forget to place your order for your very own ‘What Would Sam Houston Do?’ wristband. Supplies are limited. Beep.”

“This is Avery Bartholomew Pendleton of Austin, Texas,” Avery began. “This message is for one Private Zulu. I made an earlier departure than I thought, and with one minor mechanical delay behind me, I’m making better time than I expected. I also failed to consider the change of time zone in your corner of the state. I’ll be there to autopsy the specimen at six rather than eight. If you aren’t there, I’ll begin without you. Full stop.” He hung up the receiver and climbed into his car. Driving through the truck stop’s parking lot, he noticed Fantasia sitting on top of one the semis’ trailers, kicking her red heels back and forth at the infuriated Big Lou, too fat to climb up to the top of truck, screaming and shaking his fist at her from below.

“Come back now, you hear,” Fantasia yelled to Avery as she blew him a kiss. “Forgot the rest, ’cause Fantasia’s the best! Ain’t that right, Big Lou?” she asked as she lifted her denim mini skirt to reveal her lack of panties. Smiling seductively, Fantasia Velvet flashed the enraged trucker her man goods.

• • •


The traffic noise along the now busy highway woke El Barquero from his restless slumber. He placed the pistol he had slept with on the nightstand next to the motel bed. Sharp pain throbbed in his side where the shotgun blast had partially impacted. Leaning forward on the bed, he gingerly probed the area where the sutures had closed the buckshot wounds. Standing up from the bed, he walked into the motel room’s small bathroom and removed the bandages from his midriff. Examining the puncture wounds, he made sure the sutures had held. Assured they were still in place, he rebound his midsection with clean gauze and bandages.

Turning back into the motel room, he scooped up his black clothes and put them on. Pulling a thin black leather jacket from his rucksack, he slowly put it on. He felt the sutures pulling as he slipped his arms through the sleeves. Zipping the jacket halfway up, he checked himself in the mirror to make certain the wound and bandages didn’t show. El Barquero walked to the motel room’s closet. Opening the door, he stared for a moment at the dead man resting on the floor, his brown sample case still sitting in his lap. El Barquero reached behind the man and pulled his wallet from his back pocket. Taking the few bills he found, he tossed the dead man’s wallet back into the closet and closed the door. Gathering his silver case, rucksack, and plastic bag containing the used towel and bandages, now stiff with dried blood, he placed them on the bed. He retrieved his pistol from the nightstand and tucked it into his waistband. Finally, he took the two curved hand scythes from his rucksack and tucked them into his belt in the small of his back. El Barquero threw the rucksack over one shoulder and picked up the bag of waste and silver case full of money and headed to the door. Pulling the curtains aside, he glanced in both directions down the second-floor outdoor hallway. Throwing the security chain and lock, he made his way for his car. He still had a shipment to retrieve.




CHAPTER TWELVE

Showdown


Avery’s rental car rattled down the rutted gravel drive on the outskirts of Tornillo. The car’s stiff, temporary spare tire was doing little to absorb the bumps. Pulling to a stop outside a cinderblock building with a corrugated metal roof, he viewed the Southwest Texas Revolutionary Armed Confederate Border Operations Militia sign out front. Ignoring the sign’s warning that survivors will be prosecuted, he shut off the car’s engine and gathered his autopsy reference manual and antique scalpel. Placing the scalpel in his fanny pack, Avery made his way to the front door, squinting his eyes against the dust and sand blowing in the gusty Texas wind.

“Private Zulu!” Avery yelled over the wind as he pounded on the headquarters’ front door. Getting no reply, he tried the door handle. It was locked. Checking his watch, Avery realized it might be several more hours before Private Zulu showed up. He didn’t feel like waiting. Avery looped his way around the building past three orange ATVs that appeared to have been attacked by a rogue graffiti artist wielding a black shoe polish applicator. Climbing over the scattered debris and weaving past several abandoned oil drums, he checked for another way in.

In the back of the building, he located a ragged window screen that appeared to be loose. Pulling the screen from the windowsill, he pressed the sliding glass windowpane upwards. It was unlocked. Hurriedly, he opened the window as wide as it would go. It was just enough for the portly Avery to wedge himself through. Looking around, Avery spotted two wooden pallets. Stacking them at the base of the window, he stood on them as he tried to climb headfirst through the open window. Leaning in and holding the heavy autopsy manual out in front of him, he squeezed his upper body through the opening. When he was halfway through, the fanny pack resting underneath his bulbous gut caught itself on the windowsill. Not able to slide forward anymore with the fanny pack anchoring him in place, he tried extracting himself backward from the window, but holding the heavy manual in his hands, he found he couldn’t move that way, either.

Beginning to panic, as the awkward position was making it increasingly difficult to breathe, Avery realized he had no choice but to drop the large book into the room and use his hands to pry himself free. The book landed in the room with a thud as Avery used his hands to rock himself back and forth, his pudgy face beginning to turn scarlet from lack of oxygen. On his third try, Avery felt himself finally tipping forward. With one last swing, he somersaulted into the room, landing with a loud thump on the floor. Avery lay there until he got his wind back. Climbing to his feet, he picked up his book and went to search for the light switch. Clicking on the light, he noticed the room was bare except for a few closets on one side of the room. As he went to explore the rest of the vacant headquarters, he placed his reference manual on a rectangular folding table in the building’s main room.

“Okay, Private Zulu,” Avery mumbled. “Where the hell is my damn chupacabra?”

Avery noticed a doorway that appeared to lead to some kind of mess hall. Entering the kitchen area, he found a large refrigerator next to a walk-in deep freeze. Avery opened the refrigerator, praying that his precious cargo would be there and not frozen solid in the deep freeze. Immediately, the enormous bundle of silver duct tape taking up the entire bottom shelf of the fridge caught his attention.

Lifting the stiff, heavy bundle, he carried it into the main room and set it on the table. With nervous anticipation, Avery removed the scalpel from his fanny pack and began to cut through the overlapping layers of tape. The antique scalpel, with less than a razor-sharp edge, took considerable effort on Avery’s part to pierce the multiple layers of tape and blue plastic ground cloth underneath. Eventually, Avery was able to open an eight-inch slit in the bundle. Pulling the parcel’s wrapping apart with his fingers, he gazed in rapture at the skull of his elusive chupacabra. Stiff with rigor mortis, the animal’s lips had receded to reveal fearsome-looking fangs. A grotesque tongue hung out of the side of its mouth. Avery’s eyes widened as he examined the creature’s smooth dark skin and canine skull that matched all the research that he’d done on chupacabras over the preceding months. Convinced he had just reached one of the greatest peaks in cryptozoology, Avery punched his hand in the air, pointing his scalpel to the heavens above.

“Kiss my butt, Darwin!” Avery exclaimed. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he cried as he did a ridiculously poor version of the cabbage patch dance. “Yes, baby! Yes!”

“No,” replied the sinister, deep voice from behind him. Avery froze. “Turn around,” the menacing voice ordered. Avery slowly turned and faced the biggest, most evil-looking man he had ever seen. Avery trembled at the sight of his dark eyes. It didn’t help matters that the incredibly muscular man was pointing a silenced pistol at him.

“How did you get in here?” Avery asked.

“The same way you did,” El Barquero replied. “Now, where’s the shipment?”

“The what?” Avery nervously replied.

“From last night in the desert,” El Barquero said as he leveled the pistol directly at Avery’s face. “Three bundles, wrapped in burlap.”

“I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. I’m not a member of this militaristic fraternity,” Avery stammered. “I’m just here to pick up this specimen. It’s a very significant scientific find. One of a kind.”

El Barquero looked at the head of the strange-looking animal wrapped in silver tape on the table. He swung his pistol from Avery to the animal and fired a single shot into middle of its body. The bullet left a perfect hole in the duct tape outer wrapping; the smell of gunpowder filled the room.

“It’s a coyote,” El Barquero growled.

“You son of bitch!” Avery spat as he grabbed the silver-wrapped bundle and clutched it to his breast. “You might as well burn the Shroud of Turin or paint a mustache on the Mona Lisa. I won’t let you desecrate this international treasure.”

“Find my shipment.”

“I told you, I don’t know where it is,” Avery replied as he cuddled his rotting, mangy coyote corpse, shielding it from the imposing man’s aim.

“Two minutes,” said El Barquero as he leveled the gun again at Avery’s head. “Start looking.”

“Okay, okay,” replied Avery as he released the dead coyote. “Just don’t hurt the chupacabra.”

“It’s dead.”

“That’s not the point,” Avery replied as he began looking around the headquarters and wondering where the shipment might be. “Three bundles, three burlap bundles,” he muttered as he paced around the room, opening file cabinets and storage lockers. Avery spotted what looked like an office on the far side of the room and shuffled toward it with El Barquero, his pistol still aimed at Avery, in tow. Avery frantically searched General X-Ray’s darkened office, doing anything possible to buy himself some time. El Barquero entered the General’s office and turned on the light. He walked over to the desk and pressed the “Play” button on the answering machine.

“This is Avery Bartholomew Pendleton of Austin, Texas,” the message began. “This message is for one Private Zulu. I made an earlier departure than I thought and with one minor mechanical…”

“Is that you?” asked El Barquero.

“Yes. I told you I wasn’t one of them,” replied Avery as he looked inside a coat closet. Maps and paperwork tumbled out as he opened the door.

“Then I guess I really don’t need you,” El Barquero said as he aimed his weapon at Avery.

“Wait! Stop!” Avery pleaded. “I’ve still got thirty seconds. Hold on. In the back, come on.” Avery hustled out of the office and toward the back room where he’d entered through the window. El Barquero followed him. Spotting the closets in the back room, he quickly searched one and then the other. There in the second closet rested three large, square burlap bundles with improvised shoulder straps attached to them.

“Move them to the front.” El Barquero ordered. For the next few minutes, Avery struggled to drag the heavy loads into the main room.

“Voilà!” said Avery as he wiped the sweat from his brow, not sure if it was from the physical exertion or nervous perspiration. “Now, you’ve got what you want, and I’ve got what I want. I suggest we both head off with our respective possessions before Private Zulu arrives, and none will be the wiser. Fair deal. Good trade, I think. Happy ending for us all, mister, uh, I didn’t catch your name, did I?”

“His name is El Barquero,” came a voice from the back room. “Don’t move, El Barquero. It’s time to pay the Padre.”

“Is that you, Sandro?” El Barquero asked of the man behind him. “The Padre must really want you dead if he sent you after me.”

“It’s the other way around, El Barquero,” Sandro said as he stepped into the headquarters’ main room. “Put the gun on the table and turn around.” El Barquero placed his gun down and slowly turned to face Sandro. The tall Mexican covered in tattoos held a large-caliber chrome-plated revolver pointed at El Barquero in one hand and El Barquero’s silver case in the other. “Back up against the wall, both of you,” Sandro ordered. Avery and El Barquero complied. “Who are you?” Sandro asked Avery.

“No one,” Avery nervously replied. “I really should be on my way. Give you gentlemen some time to catch up.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Sandro said as he walked to the table in the middle of the room and placed the silver case on it. “The Padre will be upset to know you left his money in an unattended car. Very sloppy, El Barquero. But I’m glad you kept it with you. Just follow the money.” He reached into his pocket and removed a phone and tossed it onto the table. A red dot flashed on the phone’s screen. “Finding you was easy.”

“You didn’t check the case for a tracking device?” Avery asked El Barquero. “Jesus, what an amateur. I myself perform a weekly bug sweep. It’s standard operating procedure for any operative worth their salt.”

“Shut up,” snapped El Barquero and Sandro at the same time.

“I’m going to be needing your head, El Barquero,” Sandro said as he reached behind his neck with one hand and removed a long machete from the diagonal sling across his back, the whole time keeping his revolver trained on the muscular giant. “You want me to take it now or once you’re dead?”

“Now, you piece of shit,” El Barquero snarled. Sandro took a step toward the two men. Quick as lighting, El Barquero reached over and grabbed the back of Avery’s tracksuit and threw him toward the advancing Sandro. Sandro pistol-whipped the stumbling Avery across the face, knocking him to the floor.

Immediately, Sandro swung his gun toward El Barquero, who had somersaulted to the floor behind the table, using the table top as cover. Sandro’s pistol roared as the back corner of the table exploded, the bullet just missing El Barquero. In one fluid motion, El Barquero reached underneath his leather coat and grabbed a hand scythe. As he rolled up on one knee, he threw the curved blade at Sandro’s head as hard as he could. Sandro ducked just under the whirling steel weapon as he fired blindly. The bullet’s impact left a fist-sized hole in the cinderblock wall behind El Barquero.

Sandro rose up to draw a bead on El Barquero, but it was too late. The powerful Mexican had launched himself at Sandro as soon as the scythe had left his hand. He closed the gap between the two men in a split second. Before Sandro could aim his pistol, El Barquero was on top of him. The force of El Barquero’s impact knocked both men to the floor. El Barquero was on top of Sandro, locking his pistol hand to the floor. From his back, Sandro swung the machete with his free hand at El Barquero. El Barquero rolled to his right to close the distance to the blade and trap Sandro’s arm and the machete to the floor. Rolling to stop the blade pulled Sandro on top of El Barquero, but El Barquero had his wrist locked in a vise-like grip and wouldn’t allow Sandro to bring the gun barrel down.

“Jesus,” said Avery as he watched the two men’s deadly struggle on the floor. Wiping blood from his face, he got to his feet. Deciding this might be a good time to evacuate the scene and let these two men settle their differences in private, Avery snatched his precious duct-taped bundle from the table. Turning to the front door, he stopped and glanced back at the silver case on the table. Then he looked toward the two men on the floor. Avery grabbed the case and ran to the front of the building. Unlocking the door, he bolted for his car. Fumbling with his keys, he finally managed to unlock the back door. Avery dropped his taped bundle in the back seat. Then, opening the silver briefcase, he dumped the stacks of bills onto the floorboard. Throwing the case on the ground, he slammed the back door shut, climbed into the front, and peeled out backward down the bumpy drive. Slamming on the brakes when he came to the main road, he spun the car around and floored the accelerator. Avery’s hands shook as the car’s engine whined. Wiping the blood from the wound Sandro’s pistol barrel had left on his forehead, he sped down the road and toward the highway.

Back inside, El Barquero’s crushing grip on Sandro’s wrist began to take effect. Slowly the heavy pistol began to wobble in Sandro’s grip. El Barquero stared into Sandro’s panicked eyes and smiled.

“Still want my head?” El Barquero asked darkly. Sandro leaned forward and head-butted the much larger man. El Barquero didn’t even flinch. El Barquero shook Sandro’s weakened wrist and the pistol fell to the floor. El Barquero instantly rolled back to his left and on top of Sandro, this time keeping the machete pinned to the floor with his right hand. Climbing forward, El Barquero used his left knee to pin Sandro’s right arm down. Sounds of bones breaking filled the two men’s ears as El Barquero rained left-handed punches straight down on Sandro’s face like a pile driver. Six, seven blows, and Sandro’s face was a bloody pulp. Sandro, barely conscious, choked on blood and shattered teeth. El Barquero ripped the machete from Sandro’s slack grip and pulled the bloody man to his feet by his leather vest.

“Look at me, Sandro,” El Barquero snarled. Sandro tried to peer through his swollen eyes but only saw blood. “I’m going to be needing your head, Sandro. You want me to take it now, or when you’re dead?”

Sandro mumbled something unintelligible through his pulverized mouth.

“That’s what I thought,” said El Barquero. With one vicious, powerful slash of the sharp machete, Sandro’s head toppled sideways. It landed on the floor with a dull, wet thump. Sandro’s decapitated body hit the floor right after it.

“Shit,” El Barquero said as he turned to the table. The silver case was gone. He grabbed his pistol from the table and raced to the open front door. The green car had vanished. The empty silver case lay next to a set of deep tire tracks in the gravel drive heading to the main road. He scanned up and down the main road, not seeing anything. El Barquero returned to the cinderblock building. He stepped over Sandro’s headless corpse, a wide pool of blood spreading out where his head used to reside. In anger, El Barquero kicked Sandro’s head with his heavy black boot. It flew across the room and bounced off the far wall near his hand scythe. Retrieving the curved blade, he loaded the three burlap bundles into his car parked out back. Returning to the building one more time, he walked to the General’s office. He pressed the “Play” button on the answering machine.

“This is Avery Bartholomew Pendleton of Austin, Texas…”

• • •


Back in Austin, Jackie waited impatiently in line in the women’s restroom of a small movie theater. It had been a relatively slow Sunday night for her restaurant, and she’d felt comfortable skipping out before closing to pick Kip up at his house so that the two could catch a movie. Jackie wasn’t much for standing still. She fidgeted in the small two-stall bathroom, waiting for one of the occupied stalls to empty. She checked her watch and rolled her eyes at the woman waiting in line behind her as the two women in the stalls chatted away, oblivious to the other women waiting in line.

“What do you mean, we can’t invite the Greenhills to your wedding, princess,” a woman in one of the stalls said to the woman in the other. “Your daddy and I’ve known the Greenhills for years. They’ll be horribly upset.”

“I don’t care, Momma. Billy used to date Melissa in high school. She’s a skank and I don’t want her there.”

“But princess, that was years ago. She’s married to that Martingale boy and has two kids already.”

“Stop bringing up kids, Momma! Jesus, I know I’m twenty-five and don’t have kids yet. Why do you always have to bring it up?”

“Princess, all I’m saying is that the Greenhills belong to our country club and your daddy has sold them insurance for years. We can’t just go and not invite them. It’s not like they’d bring Melissa along with them, anyway.”

“I don’t care, Momma. I don’t want anyone associated with that tramp invited. I guarantee she’d show up somehow and try to ruin my wedding day.”

Jackie tapped her foot impatiently as she looked back at the woman in line behind her. The woman shrugged her shoulders at Jackie and checked her watch. The movie was about to start.

“I just don’t know how your daddy is going to feel about this, princess. I mean, he’s got business with the man.”

“Why is everything so much more important than my wedding day? It’s just one stupid client. It’s my day, Momma! You even said so yourself.”

“It definitely is your day, princess. It’s going to be just perfect. I’ll talk to your daddy and see what he says.”

“He better say they’re not invited. I swear to God, Momma, if they show up, I’ll walk right out of that church. We’ll see what that does for Daddy’s business!”

“Calm down, princess. I’ll see what I can do. Oh, princess,” the older woman gushed, “you’re going to be so beautiful on your day. I won’t let anything spoil it.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Thank you, Momma,” the younger woman said as she began to cry. “I just don’t know why I’m so emotional right now.”

“Oh, don’t you cry, princess. Your momma’s going to take care of everything for you. Your wedding day is going to be just as perfect as you are beautiful.”

“Do you really think I’m beautiful, Momma?” the younger woman asked through her sniffles.

“Princess, of course you are.”

“Momma…”

“Yes, princess?”

“I love you, Momma.”

“Well, I love you, too, princess.”

“That is just so sweet I can’t stand it,” Jackie interrupted loudly with a vague undertone of sarcasm. “Now, I think you two ladies should come right out of those stalls so we can all have a big group hug.” The woman standing behind Jackie covered her mouth with one hand to keep from laughing out loud and gave Jackie a high five with the other.

“Oh, sorry,” the older woman said as she and her daughter both flushed their toilets and exited the stalls.

“Sorry,” the younger woman said as she walked past Jackie and took a paper towel from the dispenser to wipe her tears away. Jackie and the other woman jumped into the stalls and slammed the doors shut. A minute later, Jackie emerged from the restroom and found Kip fiddling with his phone while he waited.

“Thought you fell in or something,” said Kip as he took Jackie’s hand. “What was that gal who just came out crying about?”

“You don’t even want to know,” replied Jackie as she pulled Kip toward the stairs leading to the movie theater’s upper balcony. The two could barely remember the plot of the black and white foreign film when it was over, they spent so much time ad-libbing over the subtitles. After leaving the theater, Kip and Jackie spent the next few hours patrolling the streets of downtown Austin. One bar, one jazz club, and a few drinks later, Kip couldn’t help but stifle a yawn.

“I didn’t think I’d bore you until our next date,” Jackie teased.

“No way,” Kip replied. “It’s not you at all. I’m just beat from pouring that blasted concrete walk in front of the house.”

“Start of a second career, maybe? It looked awfully professional to me,” said Jackie.

“Not a chance. I try to kid myself, but I’m a desk man by nature.”

“Well, let’s get you home, then, paper pusher. But I was thinking the restaurant is closed on Mondays. How about I cook for you and Bennett tomorrow night?” Jackie asked.

“Over at our place?”

“Sure, if that works best for you guys,” Jackie replied. “Will Avery be there?”

“Not really sure,” replied Kip. “God only knows where he’s chasing monsters. Could be halfway to South America by now. I just hope he shows up with my car in one piece. Preferably sometime in the foreseeable future.”

“Well, I’ll plan on him showing up, just to be safe.”

“Nothing too fancy for dinner. Bennett’s a country boy at heart, and Avery, well, he’s just weird.”

“No problem. Now, let’s get you out of here and into bed.”

“Okay, deal,” Kip replied as he paid their tab and took Jackie’s hand as they left the dark bar and headed for her car.

“You still planning on heading back to New York in a week or so?” Jackie asked as they walked arm in arm down Sixth Street.

“Not really sure. Maybe I’ll stay a while longer,” Kip replied as he smiled at Jackie.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Jackie said as she paused and kissed Kip quickly on the lips. Kip kissed her back. He kissed her back for a long time as he held her tightly.

“Get some, bro!” a young man in a pack of students called out as they passed by.

“Old folk PDA, ya’ll!” a young girl in the group said as she snapped a picture of the tightly embraced couple with her cell phone camera. Kip and Jackie both laughed as they continued on their way back to Jackie’s car. A few blocks into their drive, Kip noticed they were heading the opposite direction from the big white house.

“You miss a turn back there?” Kip asked.

“I said I was taking you home, sailor. I just didn’t say whose home,” Jackie replied with a smile.




CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Midnight Run


It was three hours into his drive home toward Austin, and Avery was still shaken by the incident at the headquarters. Evil visions of the two Mexican men filled his head. His hands were latched in fear to the hard plastic steering wheel as he sped along the dark, empty highway. Thoughts crashed through his head. Were the two men dead? Were they alive? Why the hell did he take their money? Would they come after him? Avery panicked as he thought about the potential consequences in gruesome detail.

“Too late now,” Avery mumbled as he rubbed his exhausted eyes with his fist. Avery glanced over his shoulder into the back seat and saw the dark face of the chupacabra in the dim light protruding from its silver cocoon. Its tongue was hanging out. It seemed to be laughing at him. Mocking him. Avery turned his eyes back to the road. The lines in the highway zipped past his car’s headlights. Avery flinched as a yellow warning light on his dashboard lit up. The fuel indicator showed that he was almost out of gas. He wanted to put Tornillo as far in his review mirror as he could, but he knew he needed to stop. A few miles later, he pulled into an all-night gas station just off the highway. Avery stopped next to a set of pumps and got out of his car. Noticing the stacks of money on the back seat floorboard, Avery took off his tracksuit top and draped it over the bills. Double-checking to be sure the money was concealed, Avery turned towards the pumps. The sign on the gas pump read Prepay Inside. Avery, shirtless and fatigued, wandered into the station to pay.

“Hey,” said the wiry-looking man behind the counter wearing a battered Texas Tech ball cap. “You can’t come in here without a shirt.”

“I just need some gas,” the weary Avery replied.

“I don’t give two jackrabbit turds what you want. We got standards. Now put a shirt on, or get out.”

“But there’s nobody in here,” pleaded Avery.

“That ain’t the point. Now, vamoose before I get that lawman involved.” Avery turned and looked back at his car. A Texas highway patrol officer had pulled up to the pump next to Avery’s and was peering into the darkened back seat of the rental car. The officer’s back was to the station. Avery quickly exited the gas station and slipped around the corner. Hiding in the shadows, he watched as the officer walked around the car and looked in from the other side.

“Got a smoke, bro?” a voice asked from behind Avery. Spinning on his heels, Avery spotted a boy holding a skateboard.

“No!” Avery hissed as he turned back to watch the officer.

“What’d you do, bro?” the skater said as he peeked around the corner with Avery.

“Nothing,” Avery replied.

“Why you hiding from that cop, then?”

“I’m not hiding,” Avery said. “I’m just considering my options.” Avery noticed the boy’s baggy T-shirt with an anarchy symbol on the front. “Look, kid,” Avery said. “I’ll give you a dollar to borrow your shirt for five minutes.”

“Really? A whole dollar?” the boy said sarcastically. “Screw that, bro. But you score me a six-pack of Budweiser and you’ve got a deal.”

“How old are you?” Avery asked, even though it was obvious the kid was no more than fifteen years old.

“Twenty-three, dude. It’s just that I lost my wallet over in Iraq. You know, it’s like all crazy and shit in Baghdad.”

Avery pondered his options. He needed gas and he needed to get back on the road. “Okay,” Avery relented. “Give me your shirt.”

“Killer,” the boy said as he slipped his shirt off. “Remember, I want Bud, not Bud Light. I haven’t drunk that watered-down piss since sixth grade.” The shirt was baggy on the boy. On Avery, it barely fit. Peeking around the corner, Avery watched as the Highway Patrolman entered the gas station. Sneaking around the side of the building, Avery watched through the front windows as the officer waved to the gas station attendant and headed toward the bathroom in the back of the store. Sensing his opportunity, Avery hurried inside.

“That’s better,” the attendant said as the now fully clothed Avery headed for the beer cooler in back, ducking and weaving his way through the rows of snacks and magazines on the off chance the officer reappeared. Grabbing a six-pack of Budweiser, Avery rushed to the counter.

“This and thirty on the pump,” Avery said as he pushed the beer across the counter. The attendant rang up the purchase. Avery paid quickly.

“You want a sack for that?” the attendant asked. Avery didn’t bother to reply. He grabbed the six-pack through the rings and bolted out the door and around to the side of the gas station. The skater was waiting patiently, smoking a cigarette.

“Here,” said Avery as he handed the boy the beer and started to take off his shirt.

“Wait a minute, dude,” the boy said as he took a drag on the cigarette. “I forgot something. I need some Camels, too.”

“No way, you little bastard,” Avery replied.

“Okay,” said the boy. “Now, I wonder where that police dude went?” The boy scratched his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Buying alcohol for a minor is a pretty big deal around here.”

“Why, you blackmailing little weasel,” Avery said as he reached out for the boy. The boy easily jumped out of the way.

“Chill, bro,” the boy said, laughing. “One pack, and then we’re cool. Seriously.” Avery cursed as he ran back into the store, emerging a minute later with the boy’s smokes.

“Fork over my shirt, man,” the smiling boy said as he put the pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

“Take it, you little hyena,” Avery said as he pulled the T-shirt off and threw it at the boy before hurrying to the gas pump.

“Pleasure doing business with you, blubber dude,” the boy happily yelled to Avery before disappearing behind the gas station. Avery shoved the gas nozzle into the rental car’s tank. Inside the station, the attendant noticed the shirtless Avery filling his car at the pump.

“Hey, Bobby,” the attendant said to the highway patrolman coming out of the restroom. “Something kind of fishy going on with that fat boy out there.”

“I’ll check it out,” the patrolman said as he put on his wide-brimmed hat. Avery nervously pretended not to notice the patrolman as he walked towards the pumps. Avery’s hand shook on the nozzle as the noisy gas meter ticked away. “That your vehicle, boy?” the patrolman asked as he approached Avery.

“Uh, well, yes, officer,” Avery muttered.

“You know that spare of yours look pretty shot,” the patrolman said as he leaned down and examined the temporary tire. “Where you headed?”

“Austin,” Avery said as he impatiently watched the gas meter, praying it would hurry up.

“You might want to think twice about that. I bet you don’t have twenty miles left on that thing,” the patrolman said.

“Thank you, sir,” Avery replied. “I’ll be sure and keep an eye on it.”

“You got some kind of dead animal in there,” the patrolman said as he looked into the back seat of the car and shined his flashlight in.

“Uh, family pet,” Avery said as the meter stopped at thirty dollars. “Taking it home to rest in peace.”

“You mind if I take a look?” the patrolman said as he walked around to Avery’s side of the vehicle and looked in the back window.

“It’s not exactly fresh. Getting kind of putrid, actually,” Avery said as he scrambled to come up with an excuse to not open the car door.

“Why don’t you just open the door, boy?” the patrolman asked with authority in his voice.

“Okay, but please don’t touch it. It’s very valuable,” Avery said as he opened the door for the patrolman. “I mean, valuable to the family and everything.” The patrolman bent over to examine the animal.

“Ugliest damned dog I ever saw,” the patrolman said as he gazed at the bundled-up remains. “You want your shirt, boy?” the patrolman said as he reached for the yellow tracksuit top, covering the stacks of cash.

“No! That’s okay,” Avery said as he leaned in the back with the patrolman and stopped him from picking up the tracksuit. “Driving like this…it uh…helps me stay awake.”

“Hell, the stink from that dead mutt will keep you awake by itself,” replied the patrolman as he backed away from the car door.

“Yes, thank you, officer,” Avery said as he closed the door. “Really should be on my way. Don’t want to be late for the funeral.”

“Funeral?” the patrolman inquired.

“Uh, burial, that it,” Avery said as he climbed into the front seat. “Cherished family pet, it was.”

“All right, then,” the patrolman said. “But watch your speed and get that spare tire looked at. Pronto.”

“Yes, sir,” Avery replied as he closed the door and pulled out of the filling station. The highway patrolman watched Avery intently as he drove back out onto the highway.

Avery made the fastest time home he could without getting pulled over. He didn’t even stop to pull another Mountain Dew from his ice chest. Hours later, the familiar outskirts of Austin approached. Just as the sun was coming up, Avery pulled into the garage behind the big white house. Dumping the extra soda bottles from his ice chest, Avery wedged the animal corpse into the cooler with the remainder of the ice. Retrieving a lawn bag from the garage workbench, Avery crammed the stacks of money from the floorboard into it. Putting his tracksuit top back on, he took the cooler and the bag of money and sneaked as quietly as he could into the house. From the top of the main staircase, Max glared down at Avery as he tiptoed up the steps with his heavy load.

“Move it,” Avery said as he brushed past the little white dog and headed for his room. Max sniffed the strange odor emanating from the ice chest as Avery barged past him. Following Avery down the hall, Max stuck his pug nose under the door that Avery had closed behind him. After taking a few short whiffs, Max sneezed and shook his head before returning to bed with Bennett.

Inside the dimly lit room, Avery pushed the cooler into the corner and threw a blanket over it. Then he stashed the money sack under his bed. Firing up his computer, he pulled up the “MonsterTruthersMessageBoard” and logged in as NinjaMan. HammerheadSam and Cannibal520 were in the chat room.






From: NinjaMan – I found it!

From: Cannibal520 – Found what?

From: NinjaMan – A chupacabra corpse!

From: HammerheadSam – OMG! No way. For real?

From: NinjaMan – Real.

From: Cannibal520 – Post a picture!

From: NinjaMan – Not yet. I need to work out my strategy for getting this discovery out to the press. I’m not sure if I should do Sixty Minutes or Good Morning America first.

From: HammerheadSam – Try The View first. It’ll blow those chicks’ minds. LOL.

From: NinjaMan – I’ll consider it, but I’m not sure about their scientific or journalistic integrity. Until then, don’t speak of this to anyone outside the group, and watch out for the black helicopters. Logging off now.





Avery shut down his computer. Stumbling toward his small bed, he fell face first onto the mattress. He was sound asleep instantly.

• • •


Later that morning, in an El Paso–area hospital room, Agent Maria Diaz woke up as she heard the sound of her partner fumbling with the tubes connected to his arm.

“Hank, take it easy,” she said as she rose to her feet and placed her hand on Hank’s to stop him from pulling the tubes out.

“Get this junk off me,” Agent Hank Martin said, his voice groggy.

“Nurse,” Agent Diaz called into the hallway as she sat on the edge of Hank’s hospital bed and held his hand still. “Settle down, partner. It’s going to be all right. You’re in the hospital. Your leg is in pretty bad shape, but the doctor says you’ll be back in the saddle in no time.”

“Well, good morning, Agent Martin,” the nurse said as she entered the small room. “Let’s make sure you didn’t do anything naughty here.” She checked his tubes and monitors. “You just rest a little. The doctor will be in shortly to take a look at you.”

“I don’t need a damn doctor,” said Hank. “What I do need are my boots and gun. There’s a big Mexican I need to have a little private conversation with.”

“Well, that may need to wait a little while, agent,” the nurse said as she made a note on his bed chart. “You’re going to have to stay off that leg of yours for a while until you’re healed up.”

“Only need one good one,” Hank replied gruffly.

“Is that so?” a senior-looking border patrol agent asked as he entered the room. “By God, Hank, you’re a hell of an agent, but you really don’t know when you’re licked.”

“He’s right, Hank,” said Maria. “Listen to the boss.”

“I’m not sitting around in here while the bastard that shot me and my partner is running loose out there,” Hank protested.

“Well, he might not be running as fast as you think,” the senior agent replied. “Got a call last night from a Billy Willingham. Also goes by the name of one Private Zulu. Belongs to that militia group you ran into out in the desert. Says he found a body in their headquarters down around Tornillo. I just came from downtown with the report.”

“Was it a big Mexican?” Hank asked.

“Well, he used to be pretty tall at some point in his life,” the senior agent replied. “Seems to have been shortened recently by about the length of his head.”

“Was he a bodybuilder?” Maria asked.

“I imagine he preferred to spend his free time in tattoo parlors rather than gymnasiums,” the senior agent replied as he took a stack of crime scene photos from a manila envelope and handed them to Agent Diaz.

“That’s not our guy,” Maria said as she examined the photos of the headless man covered in tattoos. “Did you get a chance to interview Private Zulu about what might have happened?”

“Yeah, we questioned him a little,” the senior agent explained. “He was really shaken up, but said he was there to meet an Avery Pendleton from Austin about some kind of dead dog he found in the desert. Says Pendleton wasn’t there when he showed up, but that the dog was gone. We’ve got all sorts of prints and forensics from the place, but it’s going to take some time getting them sorted out. The militia’s got seven members that spend a lot of time in the building.”

“Did he mention anything about the drugs those mules in desert were carrying?” Hank asked.

“Nope,” the senior agent replied. “The dogs picked up the scent of narcotics in the building, but we didn’t find anything. The EMTs sedated Private Zulu before we could get much more on the drugs. He should be calmed down in a few hours, and then we can sweat him pretty good. We’re trying to round up the rest of his group right now for questioning. I’ve got a feeling these boys stumbled into something with the cartels. If your report of those mules carrying drug parcels was correct and the big Mexican shooter took off without them after he shot you two, then we’ve still got a shipment floating around somewhere. Wouldn’t be at all surprised if your big boy is out there looking for it right now. Or, maybe even has it already.”

“Additionally, we found two dead men in a jeep not far from your shoot-out. They were most likely cartel soldiers. Looks like they were ambushed. It was a professional job. They could have been waiting to meet the shipment. And, if that’s not enough for you, we also had another body turn up in a motel closet just outside of town. Traveling salesman. He registered a car with New Mexico plates with the front desk when he checked in, but the car is gone. I’ve got a bulletin out to watch for it. Don’t know if they’re all connected, but if they are, your guy doesn’t seem to have a problem leaving bodies in his wake.”

“Sounds to me like either the shooter has the drugs or this Pendleton fellow does,” said Maria. “Do we know where to find Pendleton?”

“Sure do,” said the senior agent. “Got an Austin address for him. Lives with his elderly stepfather. The Feds are running the show regarding this pile of bodies we’ve got, but we’re still on the narcotics angle. I was wondering if you felt up to paying him a visit later today?”

“Love to,” said Maria.

“Your wing okay?” The senior agent pointed to the sling on Maria’s arm.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replied. “How soon can you get me to Austin?”

“Working on setting up a flight right now.”

“Hell, no,” interrupted Hank. “She can barely shoot right-handed, much less southpaw.”

“Shut up, Hank,” Maria replied. “I’m good to go, boss. I don’t plan on shooting him, just questioning him.”

“I know,” the senior agent said. “We’ll have local P.D. meet your flight and escort you to Pendleton’s house.”

“Then what the hell am I supposed to do?” Hank complained loudly.

“Nothing,” Maria and the senior agent said in unison.

• • •


“Good afternoon, students,” the middle-aged tai chi master in a loose-fitting blue robe greeted his students. “My name is Master Wu, and I’m delighted to have you attend my Tai Chi for Beginners class.” Polly, Jolene, Miss Pearl, and Big and Little Esther stood in their robes and flat-soled shoes near the back of the room in their local YWCA. “Today,” Master Wu continued, speaking to his handful of students, “we’ll be working on mastering three basic tai chi movements: Beginning, Parting the Wild Horse’s Mane, and White Crane Spreads its Wings. Over time, as you master these movements, we’ll continue with an additional twenty-one movements, known collectively as the Twenty-Four Forms. Now, the first thing I’d like you to do…”

“Excuse me,” said Miss Pearl as she raised her bony little hand. “When do we get to break some boards?”

“And your name is?” Master Wu asked politely.

“Pearl,” she replied less than politely. “By the way, Wu, how many men have you killed?”

“Stop it, Pearl,” Polly hissed.

“Well, Pearl, while it’s true that tai chi chuan originated as a martial art and that each movement, if executed properly, does have a logical application for personal self-defense,” Master Wu gracefully moved his hands to block an imaginary assailant’s attack, “it’s also true that it takes many, many years of practice to master tai chi as a form of defense.”

“How long does it take to master it as a form of offense?” Pearl smugly asked.

“Patience, Pearl,” Master Wu said calmly. “Our class today is designed to introduce you to the basic concepts of tai chi so that you may begin to enjoy the benefits of this remarkable meditative art.”

“Like what?” Pearl asked.

“Reduced stress, increased calmness, and improved inner balance,” Master Wu replied, moving delicately on his feet, his arms flowing rhythmically around his body. “Like increased stamina, flexibility, and endurance. Practicing the forms will do wonders for your circulation and blood pressure…”

“Master Wu,” Polly interrupted. “Excuse me. My name is Polly. Is there any way we can focus on the inner calmness part today?”

“Why, of course,” Master Wu replied with a warm smile.

“You sure we can’t just skip straight to the blades,” Pearl asked as she pointed to the rack of straight double-edged tai chi swords at the front of the room.

“Patience, Pearl,” Master Wu replied. “Just as your name suggests, it takes many years for a tiny, irritating grain of sand inside an oyster to become a beautiful jewel.” Pearl scowled at Master Wu, not quite sure if she had been insulted or complimented. “The jian, or sword, is not for the beginner,” Master Wu continued. “But, if you follow my instructions, you will learn to control your chi and…”

“My who?” asked Pearl.

“Your chi,” replied Master Wu. “It’s your life force, Pearl. With it, everything grows. Without it, everything dies. Over time, you will learn to focus your chi, and then even you will be able to break boards.”

“Well, what are waiting for?” Pearl asked impatiently.

“Excellent,” replied Master Wu as he clicked “Play” on a tape recorder at the front of the room. Soft sounds of soothing Oriental music filled the room. “Now, for the movement known as Beginning, I would like you to step with one leg to the side like this so that your feet are shoulder-width apart.” The students mirrored his movement. “Now, keep your posture relaxed, but not limp. There should be no tension in your chest or shoulders. Your pelvis should be tilted slightly forward with your bottom tucked underneath you so that your lower back is straightened.”

“Look,” Jolene said jubilantly as she tilted her pelvis forward as instructed. “It works! I haven’t had my bottom tucked under me since high school.”

“Honey,” Pearl replied. “You’ve never had that sack of potatoes tucked underneath you then or now.”

“Hush,” said Little Esther. “I can’t hear Master Wu.”

“Very good, students,” Master Wu cheerfully encouraged the class. “Now, begin by breathing in. Breathe in deep down into your abdomen. When we begin the forms, I want you to breathe in on open movements,” he said as his arms extended, “and out on closed movements,” and his arms pulled back in toward his body.

“I can already feel my concentration improving,” the gangly Big Esther said.

“Black coffee and cigarettes do the same thing,” replied Pearl.

“Now,” said Master Wu, “bring your arms up in front of you to shoulder height. When they reach your shoulders, drop your elbows slowly to your waist. Keep your hands relaxed. That’s very good, class. Now raise them up, again keeping your movements very smooth. That’s it. Now drop your elbows and let the hands follow them down. Remember to breathe. In on open movements, out on closed movements.”

“This is so relaxing,” said Polly as she followed Master Wu’s movements.

“Relaxing?” Pearl scoffed. “If some fool rolls up on me, I don’t want him hypnotized, I want him hospitalized. I don’t see how you can possibly bust someone’s melon with this weak-ass stuff.”

“Just do what Master Wu says,” Jolene said.

“Well, he might be Master Wu to you,” said Pearl. “But he’s just plain old Wu to me. You don’t ask an old black woman to go calling someone Master.”

“Pearl,” Polly pleaded, “just do what he does. We’re all here for you.”

“Just you remember,” Pearl said as she began to flap her arms up and down. “I didn’t ask for any help. This is your crazy scheme.”

“Excellent work, class,” Master Wu said as he walked among the students and inspected their movements. “Drop your elbows down. Keep your hands relaxed.” Suddenly, Big Esther collapsed to the floor with a thud. Master Wu rushed to her side. “Back away, people.” He fanned the air around Big Esther’s pale face.

“Oh, my God!” cried Polly. “Is she having a heart attack?”

“I don’t think so,” replied Master Wu. His fanning of the air seemed to bring some color back into Big Esther’s face. Slowly her eyes opened, and Master Wu gently assisted her to her feet. The room of students stood in hushed silence around the wobbly woman.

“I’m okay,” Big Esther said faintly.

“Let me guess,” said Master Wu. “You forgot to breathe.” Big Esther sheepishly nodded her big head in agreement.




CHAPTER FOURTEEN

It’s Not a Party Until Someone Gets Shot


Later that evening, an Austin police department cruiser worked its way through the highway traffic. The roads were still congested, even though it was after sundown.

“How much further?” Agent Diaz asked the police officer who had picked her up at the Austin airport.

“Not too far,” the patrolman. “Should be another fifteen minutes.” Maria shifted her position in the car seat so she could lean forward and grab the file resting on the floorboard beside her feet. She winced slightly as her arm sling pulled on her wounded shoulder.

• • •


Inside the big white house, Jackie, Kip, Bennett, and Polly sat in the parlor. All were sipping after-dinner drinks except Polly, who cradled an iced tea. Max was curled up in Bennett’s lap, snoring and dreaming. Jackie smiled ever so bashfully as the other three raved about the meal she’d prepared for them earlier that evening.

“Come on, guys,” Jackie said. “It was only lasagna. Ya’ll have to come by the restaurant. That’s the kitchen for preparing something special.”

“I’d come by more often if I could pronounce anything on the damn menu,” Bennett said as he sipped his bourbon. “You just drop off a pan of what you made tonight once a week and you’ll make an old man happy.”

“Well, I’m glad you liked it, although I think Avery just pushed his around the plate a couple of times.”

“Don’t mind him,” Kip replied. “If it doesn’t have sugar or caffeine listed as two of the main ingredients, he doesn’t much touch it.”

“Well, the peach cobbler in the oven ought to work for him, then,” Jackie said as she checked her watch. “Should be just about ready to pull out.”

“Jackie, dear,” Polly said. “Thank you so much for letting the girls come around to join us for dessert on such short notice. It means so much to them. Big Esther, that’s the tall one, not the short one, had the most awful day at tai chi class. I was afraid we almost lost her earlier. And Little Esther nearly had a conniption just seeing her there limp on the floor. Not to mention poor Jolene is horribly heartbroken. Her date tonight cancelled at the last minute.”

“Can you believe it?” Bennett said as he rolled his eyes.

“You hush, old man,” Polly scolded. Bennett held up his hands in mock surrender. “Her much younger man dumped her for a much younger woman. She’s real upset.”

“It’s no problem at all, Polly,” Jackie said. “Really, there’s more than plenty to go around.”

“Still, it’s so sweet of you. Not to mention it gives me an excuse to keep an eye on Miss Pearl, what with her probation and all. That scallywag.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Jackie replied. “Well, I think the cobbler is close.” She looked at her watch. “I better check on it.” Jackie rose to head to the kitchen.

“Such a dear,” Polly said as she looked at Kip and whispered through cupped hands, “don’t you mess this up.” Kip frowned back at her. Suddenly, the lights in the house went dark.

“Oh, my heavens!” Polly cried out. “What just happened?”

“Settle down, woman,” Bennett growled. “Power just went dead.”

“Must be the breaker,” Kip said as he got up and looked out the window. “The rest of the block seems fine. The box is in the basement. I’ll go check it. Pop, you got a flashlight downstairs somewhere?”

“Inside the door in the kitchen that leads to the cellar,” Bennett replied. “It’s by the recycling bin.” Suddenly Max jumped from his master’s lap and raced toward the kitchen, barking and growling.

“What’s going on, boy?” Kip called after the little dog. His question was answered by the sound of Max’s sharp whimper. A large dark man walked out from the kitchen holding Max aloft by the scruff of his neck with one hand and a silenced pistol in the other.

“You two,” El Barquero said, motioning to Jackie and Kip with his pistol. “Sit down.” Jackie and Kip complied. “Now, where’s Avery?” El Barquero asked as he pitched the little dog across the parlor and into Bennett’s outstretched arms.

“And just who the hell wants to know?” Bennett asked as he rubbed the growling little dog’s thick neck.

“Not important,” El Barquero replied menacingly. “I’ll only ask you one more time. Where is he?”

“Please don’t hurt us,” Polly said meekly.

“Shut up,” El Barquero said calmly as he pointed the gun toward the trembling woman.

Upstairs, Avery checked the surge protector for his computer system, hoping he hadn’t lost any material on the letter he was composing. “Bennett!” he yelled out. “Turn my damn power back on!”

“Avery? Is that you up there?” El Barquero called up the stairs. Avery froze, instantly recognizing the sinister voice. “Bring my money to me, Avery, and I won’t have to kill you or your family. You hear me?”

“They’re not my family,” Avery called out as he hurried to lock the door to his room. “I don’t know any of them.” He fumbled in the dark to find the duffle bag containing his equipment for just such a contingency. Avery had planned for years on how to delay an armed commando extraction team sent to capture him. He just always thought it would be Navy SEALs or the CIA, not a six-and-a-half-foot-tall Mexican assassin.

“Avery?” El Barquero called out again. “I’m not playing around here. I want the money.”

“Just give him what he wants, Avery!” Bennett bellowed.

“I’m sorry,” Avery replied. “I don’t recognize that person. I’m afraid you’ve made a mistake. Come back later.” He hastily arranged various items around the room and collected the lawn bag full of money from under his bed. “I’m very busy right now,” Avery yelled as he extended a rope fire escape ladder out his bedroom window, securing the ladder’s metal hooks on the sill. “Wednesday is much better for me. Shall we make it, say, three in the afternoon?”

“Don’t make me come up there, Avery,” El Barquero replied.

• • •


Outside the house a taxi pulled up to the curb and let four women out.

“Stop shoving me,” Little Esther said.

“Then get moving,” Pearl replied as she pushed her way out. “Somebody pay the man, cuss I ain’t,” she said as she slung her purse over her shoulder. “What’s wrong with their lights? Don’t people pay the electric company in this part of town?”

“It is mighty dark up there,” Little Esther said.

“Calm down, ladies,” Jolene said as she paid the cab fare. “Just go on up.”

“Lovely walkway,” Big Esther said as she led the women to the door. “Could be a little wider, though.” Little Esther got to the door first and rang the bell.

• • •


The sound of the doorbell made Max jump up and whine in Bennett’s lap. Bennett held the struggling dog in place.

“You,” El Barquero motioned to Jackie, “come over here. You,” he pointed his gun at Polly, “see who it is and get rid of them.” El Barquero grabbed Jackie’s blonde hair with one hand and pointed his gun at her temple with the other. “Come with me.” He began pulling her into the kitchen. “No one does anything stupid, or all of you are dead,” he whispered to Kip and Bennett as he dragged Jackie away. The doorbell rang again. Polly nervously walked toward the front door. El Barquero watched the front of the house from the darkened kitchen doorway while still holding Jackie at gunpoint. Polly tentatively opened the door.

“What’s the deal with your bust-ass lights?” Pearl asked.

“Non…non…nothing,” Polly stammered.

“Aren’t going to invite us in?” The little black woman tapped her foot impatiently.

“Not tonight,” Polly whispered. “We’re going to bed.”

“What about dessert?” Little Esther asked dejectedly.

“We… we already ate.”

“What?” Big Esther asked.

“We… we went out for sushi.”

“Sushi?” Pearl spat. “Woman, have you done lost your cotton-picking mind? You can’t even eat a steak without it being cooked until it’s like shoe leather. And you think I’m the one with issues.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So does this mean we don’t have to do any of that stupid meditation hocus pocus tomorrow?” Pearl asked.

“No. Intervention is cancelled.”

“Praise Jesus!” Pearl said, wringing her hands.

“Heavens, why not?” Jolene asked.

“I… I have to do my hair.”

“At the parlor?” Big Esther asked. “We don’t have an appointment. At least I didn’t think we had an appointment. Do we have an appointment?”

“No, I’m doing it here. Please, just leave. I have to go now,” Polly said as she closed the door.

“Indian giver!” Pearl shouted at the closed door. “And fix your damn makeup! You look white as a bed sheet. Rats.” She stomped her foot down on the front porch. “I sure wanted some dessert.”

“Well, that was a waste of time,” Big Esther said as she turned to leave.

“Hold on, ladies,” Jolene said as she looked around the front of the house. “Something is going on. Pearl would never eat raw fish.”

“And no one in this house goes to bed this early,” Little Esther added.

“And she would never do her own hair,” Big Esther said. “It’s so strange the way she acted.”

“You old fools are paranoid,” Pearl said. “Come on. Let’s go get some ice cream.”

“Pearl, this just isn’t right,” Jolene said. “I think we should check it out.”

“Check what out?” Pearl asked.

“Something,” Jolene replied. “Anything. If there’s a problem and we just walk away, I could never forgive myself. Let’s go around back and look around. Just to be certain.”

“All right, then,” Pearl relented as she pulled a small .38 Special special snub-nosed revolver from her purse.

“Good Lord, Pearl,” Big Esther said when she saw the gun.

“I thought the judge said you couldn’t have a gun anymore,” Little Esther added.

“He said I couldn’t have a gun. He didn’t say anything about a backup gun. This is my backup. Girls, meet Judy.”

“Judy?” Big Esther asked.

“That’s her name.”

“Why Judy?” Jolene asked.

“Because she packs a punch. Come on now,” Pearl said as she opened the revolver’s cylinder to check her ammunition before spinning the cylinder with a whirl and snapping it back in place with a flick of her skinny wrist. “Follow me.”

“Here,” Little Esther said as she pulled one of her knitting needles out of her bag and gave it to Big Esther.

“What do I do with this?”

“Hold it like this,” Little Esther said, wielding her other needle like a knife.

“What about me?” Jolene asked.

“Just stay behind us and don’t make a sound, if you can manage, you old loudmouth cradle-robbing hussy,” Pearl said. Jolene frowned. The girls sneaked their way around the right-hand side of the dark house to the kitchen. When they reached the back door, the ladies all placed their ears to the door and listened.

“What are we listening for?” Little Esther asked.

“Movement, voices, anything,” Pearl replied.

“I don’t hear anything,” Big Esther said.

“If you can’t hear anything with those big ears, they must be asleep,” Pearl quipped. “Let’s go.”

“Go?” Jolene said. “We have to be sure nothing is wrong.”

“That’s what I meant.” She raised her pistol and reached for the doorknob. “Inside, but real quiet-like. Take off your shoes first. Those heels make a racket.” The girls complied. Pearl opened the door and the girls slipped inside on their tippy toes. Pearl motioned with her pistol toward the door to the main part of the house. “You go that way, I’ll check the back,” she whispered. Sneaking down the hallway, Pearl found nothing out of the ordinary. Turning around, the hallway was empty behind her. “Girls?” she hissed. “Where are you?” Getting no response, she crept down the hall. Peeking around the corner into the main part of the house, she spotted a group of huddled figures standing in the dark. Pointing her pistol in front of her, Pearl inched her way into the room. Suddenly, something smashed down on her arm, causing her to drop her pistol. In front of her stood the strongest-looking man she had ever seen.

“Over with the rest,” Barquero growled as he picked up the gun and stuck it in his waistband. “Now!”

“Boy, I’m going to break my foot off in your backside if you don’t give me little Judy back.”

“Shut up,” Barquero said, pushing the tiny woman across the room as he pointed his pistol at the group.

“Please, don’t kill us,” Polly begged.

“At least we got baptized recently,” the trembling Little Ester said.

“That damn Mr. Wu,” Pearl said. “If he’d taught me some of that Bruce Lee stuff like I wanted, I’d rearrange this sucker’s face.”

“Quiet!” Barquero yelled.

“I’ve seen your face, boy. I’m your worst nightmare!”

“Be silent,” Barquero quietly commanded as he pointed his gun right between Pearl’s eyes. Miss Pearl just crossed her arms and scowled. One by one, Barquero used zip ties to bind his hostages’ hands and feet before tearing strips of duct tape to cover their mouths. Max received the same treatment. Bennett struggled the most. He received a pistol butt to the back of his head for his efforts.

• • •


“That should be it right there,” the police escort said to Agent Diaz as they pulled up in front of the columned white house.

“The one with no lights?” Maria asked.

“Yeah. That’s the one,” the officer answered as he shut off the police cruiser’s engine.

“That seem a little odd to you?” Maria asked as she exited the vehicle.

“Little bit,” the officer replied. “It’s the only dark one on the street.”

“Wait a minute,” Maria said. “Did you see that? Something just came out of that upstairs window on the left-hand side of the house. You go check the front. I’m going around the side.”

• • •


Avery hurried as he continued with his counter-insurgency preparations. But he froze when he heard the front doorbell ring again.

• • •


Barquero pulled Polly from the group and cut her restraints off before ripping the tape from her mouth.

“You know the drill,” he said to her as he grabbed Jackie and pulled her back toward the kitchen. “Get rid of whoever it is, this time for good. I mean it,” he said pointing the gun at Jackie’s head. Kip struggled furiously against his bonds. “You, keep quiet,” he added, looking at Kip. Polly went to the door and opened it.

“Evening, ma’am,” the police officer said as he looked into the dark house. “Sorry to bother you. I’m looking for an Avery Bartholomew Pendleton. I believe he lives at this address. Is he in this evening?”

“No, he’s not,” Polly quietly replied.

“Do you expect him back soon?” the officer asked. “I don’t mean to alarm you. Just need to ask him some questions.”

“I…I…I don’t know when he’s coming back,” Polly stammered.

“I see,” the officer replied as he pulled a card out of his pocket. “Would you mind giving this to him when he gets back? Have him call the number on the card. Like I said, nothing to be worried about. Just a few questions, that’s all.”

“Okay,” Polly said as she took the card from the officer. “I’ll let him know.”

“You having some kind of power issue with the house?” the officer asked as he looked into the darkened house again.

“Yes,” Polly replied softly. “It’s out.”

“Want me to take a look at your fuse box?” the officer asked as he pulled his flashlight from his belt. “Happy to do it. It’ll only take a second.”

“No. That’s okay,” Polly replied.

“You sure?” the officer said.

“Yes.”

“Ma’am, are you home alone this evening?”

“Yes. Well, uh, not exactly. I mean…” Polly fumbled. A deep voice from the kitchen cut her off.

“Officer, may I borrow your flashlight for a moment?” El Barquero called from the kitchen.

“Please don’t,” Polly whispered as the officer stepped past her and into the darkened foyer. The officer scanned his light around the house, stopping on the group of people standing together in the darkness. “What’s going on in there?” the officer asked. Three dull thumps from El Barquero’s silenced pistol came from the kitchen. The officer collapsed. He was dead before he hit the floor.

“Oh, my God,” Polly whimpered as she looked at the dead police officer at her feet.

“Lock the door and get over here,” El Barquero commanded Polly as he shoved Jackie back into the parlor. El Barquero pulled the officer’s pistol from his belt and tucked it into his waistband next to Pearl’s as Polly closed the front door and shuffled back into the parlor.

• • •


Outside, Agent Diaz examined the darkened exterior of the house. She cautiously approached the rope fire ladder hanging from the second-floor window near the back of the house.

“What the hell?” she whispered as she reached with her free hand to pull her sidearm out and awkwardly chambered a round. She froze in place and listened as a loud voice came from inside the house.

“Avery! I’m coming up. I want my money.”

“Shit,” Agent Diaz said as she turned and ran to the front door of the house.

• • •


Inside, El Barquero slowly climbed the stairs to the second floor. Tentatively, he tested each of the doors he found there. All of the rooms were dark and empty. Only the door on the end remained. The one with the SKUNK WORKS sign on it. He tried the handle. It was locked. He tapped on the door with his pistol.

“Last chance, Avery,” he growled. Inside the room, he heard movement. Stepping back from the door, El Barquero kicked it with his heavy boot. The flimsy lock instantly gave way and the door swung open. Blinding strobe lights attacked El Barquero’s eyes as deafening techno music filled his ears. In the slow-motion effect of the strobe lights, he saw the portly Avery disappear out the window.

For years, Avery had prepared his counter-assault plans. A battery-powered trip wire attached to his bedroom door sent an electric current to his collection of defensive countermeasures. They were designed to shock and confuse an invasion team, providing him sufficient cover to escape down his rope ladder. Beyond that, he didn’t really have much of a plan. Nonetheless, powerful strobe lights and blaring music were triggered first. Purple smoke bombs and strings of small but loud firecrackers followed immediately after. Batteries that Avery meticulously checked during his weekly bug sweep powered the whole system. Cutting the power to the house was standard operating procedure during a black ops assault. Avery was too smart to fall for that. He’d watched lots of spy movies.

• • •


Downstairs, Agent Diaz tried the front door. It was locked. She peered through the front windows of the house but couldn’t see any movement. Suddenly, she heard loud music from inside the house. The music was followed by a quick series of sharp explosions. She pounded on the door. No response. She wondered where the hell that police officer was as she stepped back from the door and raised her firearm. She fired three rounds into the lock before pushing open the heavy door. Entering the dark house, she nearly tripped over the police officer’s body in the foyer.

“Oh my, God,” Maria said as she noticed his service pistol was gone. She spotted movement in the dark. Agent Diaz quickly went to the struggling figures crammed together in the parlor. Using her pocketknife, she cut the zip ties that restrained Kip’s hands. “Do you have a basement?” she asked as Kip pulled the tape from his mouth.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Cut the others loose and get down there. Do you have a cell phone?”

“Yes.”

“Call 911. Tell them a police officer has been shot and that an armed intruder is in the house. Tell them the intruder is suspected of multiple homicides,” Maria commanded as she handed Kip the knife and turned to head upstairs toward the thumping music.

• • •


Reaching the bottom of his rope ladder, Avery looked back over his shoulder to see the flashing strobes coming from his bedroom window. He ran toward the garage with the assassin’s money. He couldn’t believe he forgot to bring the chupacabra with him, but it was too late now. He jumped into Kip’s rental car, threw the plastic sack of money in the passenger seat, and started the engine. Throwing the car in gear, he roared out of the garage.

• • •


Inside Avery’s room, El Barquero ripped the strobes from their power cords and threw them across the room. With a powerful kick, he sent the blaring boom box crashing into the wall on the far side of the room, smashing it into pieces and silencing the deafening music. Pulling his black T-shirt up over his nose, he rummaged through the purple smoke–filled room as the last of the string of firecrackers went off. He quickly ransacked the room, looking for the money. He paused as he heard the sound of a car engine starting. Moving to the open window, he saw the headlights of a green sedan pulling out of the garage and into the alley. El Barquero turned and sprinted for the door. Just as he exited the room, the plaster wall next to his head exploded.

“Drop your weapon!” Agent Diaz commanded from her prone position near the top of the stairs. She used the angle of the staircase to provide cover from the large Mexican. El Barquero dropped to his knee and fired three quick shots at her position. Agent Diaz slithered backward down the stairs to take cover. El Barquero pulled the police officer’s handgun from his waistband. He emptied the entire magazine into the top of the landing. Shards of wood exploded from the stairs and banister. Agent Diaz slid further down the staircase and covered her face with her arm to protect herself from the flying shrapnel. El Barquero dropped the empty police handgun to the floor and grabbed Pearl’s pistol. Firing wildly in the dark with both his silenced pistol and the deafening revolver, El Barquero sprinted down the hallway and past the top of the staircase landing. He ripped open the door at the end of the hall that accessed the second-floor veranda.

• • •


Out back, Avery poured on the gas as the rental car tore out of the alley. A car approaching from his left slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting the green sedan. Avery turned his speeding car to the right, the only way he could go with the car to his left blocking the road. Taking a hard right at the intersection in front of him, the badly abused temporary tire exploded as it clipped the curb. Avery fought to control the car but neglected to take his foot off the gas. The car skidded across the road in front of the big white house before slamming sideways into the left-hand curb. The car flipped over onto its side, sending a shower of sparks into the night sky as it ground to a halt with its engine whining and its wheels still spinning. The car came to a stop, resting on the driver’s-side door with Avery pinned in his seat.

• • •


El Barquero saw the green car crash and roll as he ripped through the door to the second-floor veranda. With one long stride he crossed the upstairs porch and launched himself over the white railing. As he hit the grassy lawn below, he rolled over on his shoulder to break the impact of the fall. Coming to his feet, he ran to the overturned vehicle. Staring down through the passenger-side window, El Barquero saw the semiconscious Avery covered in scattered stacks of money.

• • •


Agent Diaz pushed herself up with her one good arm and bolted down the stairs toward the front door after the huge man. Coming out of the house, she saw her target attempting to open the passenger-side door of a car resting on its side. She raised her firearm and used her injured arm to help steady her aim.

“Drop your weapon!” Agent Diaz yelled as loudly as she could. The hulking man let the car door drop and turned. Agent Diaz fired two shots at the big man, hitting him in his back. He dropped face down in the street. His body was motionless. The sound of police sirens began to build in the night air. Agent Diaz slowly approached the downed man dressed in black. Inside the car, Avery moaned in pain. Keeping an eye on the prone man, she slipped around the side of the car and viewed the trapped Avery. Through the spider-webbed windscreen, she could see the injured man was covered in bundles of bills.

“Water moccasins,” the delirious Avery mumbled. “Get me away from the water moccasins.”

“Be calm,” Agent Diaz instructed Avery. “Emergency vehicles are on their way.”

“But the water moccasins. They’re everywhere,” Avery moaned.

“Calm down. There aren’t any water moccasins.”

“They’re all over me. Shoot them!” Avery pleaded.

“Sir, you’re delirious. Just rest easy. Help will be here any moment. Listen,” said Agent Diaz, as the approaching sirens grew louder.

“I need something to eat,” Avery mumbled.

“Avery! Jesus Christ, Avery!” a shout came from the other side of the car. Agent Diaz rose and looked over the top of the car as Bennett and Kip charged down the front walk, both brandishing shotguns. Jackie stood on the porch with a cell phone, still on the line with the police.

“Stop right there!” Agent Diaz commanded. “Stay away from that man.”

“What man?” asked Kip as they stopped at the edge of the street. Agent Diaz walked back around the car with her pistol at the ready.

“Oh, my God,” she muttered seeing the empty street in front of her. Just then, the first of several police cars came screeching to a halt in front of the white house. A lanky police officer bolted from the car with his weapon drawn. Agent Diaz holstered her weapon and held her I.D. aloft. “I’m Agent Maria Diaz with U.S. Customs and Border Protection. There’s an officer down inside the house. Suspect is on the move. He’s male, Hispanic, well over six feet tall, armed and extremely dangerous. We need to cordon off this area right now.” The police officer got on his radio and began to shout instructions as other police officers approached the scene.

• • •


The next morning, the street in front of the big white house still buzzed with activity. The police officer’s body had been removed from the home, and the yellow police tape had just been taken down. Out front, the overturned rental car had been towed away. Avery, Bennett, Kip, and Jackie all sat on the front porch steps while Aunt Polly made coffee in the kitchen with the rest of the girls. Max sat on the steps in front of his people, furiously chewing on something mysterious. Bennett tried vainly to fish it out of the persistent dog’s mouth. Kip had his long arm draped across Jackie’s shoulder. They had been up all night and were exhausted from the terrifying ordeal. In front of them, Agent Diaz stood on the sidewalk speaking with a tall senior police detective.

“We’ve had a dozen units and a chopper out all night looking for your guy,” the detective said.

“He couldn’t have gone far,” Agent Diaz replied. “I know I hit him twice in the back. I can’t believe he got up. I should have checked him. I can’t believe I didn’t check him,” she added despondently.

“Well, you definitely hit him. We found an abandoned car with plates belonging to your victim in the El Paso hotel. Your guy apparently tried to burn the car out. A local resident saw it and controlled the blaze in time. In the back seat, we found a bulletproof vest. Had two slugs in the back. Also had a trunk full of narcotics. I’m willing to guess it’s the shipment you’ve been looking for. We brought in the dogs to try and pick up a scent from the vest. They lost it a few blocks away. Absolutely nothing. Your guy is a ghost. But we lost a real good man last night. We won’t stop looking until we find him.”

“What can I do to help?” asked Agent Diaz.

“Well, you’ve got a big load of dope and a pile of money to take back home. I’m guessing you’ve got more than a few hours of paperwork to get started on in your office. Your boss is working on getting you a flight back as we speak. Don’t worry, Agent Diaz. You did a good job. You saved those people inside. You can bet I’ll let your superiors know.”

Down the street, the local mail carrier was making her rounds. Approaching the white house, she couldn’t help but notice the commotion.

“Everything okay, doctor?” she asked as she handed a rubber-band-bundled stack of mail to Bennett.

“Nothing to worry about, Mary,” Bennett replied. “Just your typical night around here when you live with a lunatic.” He nodded toward Avery.

“Bite me,” Avery replied.

“Take this inside,” said Bennett as he tossed the stack of mail at Avery. Avery took the mail and stormed inside. Tossing the bundle onto a table in the foyer as he headed upstairs to his office, Avery failed to notice the letter on top of the stack. It was addressed to one Avery Bartholomew Pendleton. The return address noted the letter was from the Office of the Chairman and CEO, IKEA International Group.

• • •


West of Austin, a bus pulled to a stop in a small town. Off stepped a dark, dangerous-looking man. As the bus pulled away in a cloud of dirty blue smoke, the large man took a seat on the bench at the stop. Across the street from the bus stop was a small motel. The stoic, hulking man patiently waited.

After half an hour, a nondescript car pulled into the motel’s parking lot. A man got out of the car and headed into the motel office. A few minutes later, the man returned and reentered his vehicle. The car drove slowly down the parking lot and pulled up in front of a room on the end.

The dark man rose from the bench and quickly walked across the street toward the car.

• • •


Somewhere in Mexico, a mangy coyote loped through the desert…




EPILOGUE







To: Editorial Department

Austin American-Statesman




Dear Sir or Madam:




The time is here. The invasion has begun. The demons are already at the gates. Escape is futile. Our defenses are impotent. Hold out as long as you can. Fight to the last man, woman, and child. Show no mercy, for none will be given. Take as many of the beasts with you as you can. I will lead the way. You wouldn’t listen to me before. Listen to me now. This is your last warning. The long, dark night of the CHUPACABRA has arrived. I’m going after them. I’ll keep you posted.

    

Sincerely,



    

Avery Bartholomew Pendleton









Copyright


Knuckleball Press

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2012 by Stephen C. Randel

Published by Knuckleball Press

All rights reserved

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of Stephen C. Randel except for the use of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.